Colleagues aren't your friends..why do I never learn

[Pioneerofaerodynamics]

I worked at a company for 11 months, started on the same day as a woman and we were in a training group together.
Got on well and helped each other out, messaged often. After a few months I was moved onto team 1 and her onto team 2, she was unhappy in the team and struggled.

We were in the same office so sometimes met at lunch and spoke pretty much daily on teams. She felt like she was being bullied by her manager and I gave her advice and support, and helped her apply for other jobs.

I got another job as I was unhappy working there and left 6 weeks ago. I had to drop my equipment off on the very last day, i told her and we said we could meet up.
I said to her "I'll be there for 10". Waited 10-15 minutes but no sign of her, but we'd already said we could meet for a coffee in town so I knew I'd see her again.

Got a message at 10:50 saying she was there. I explained I'd had to leave once I'd dropped off my equipment as wasn't allowed to stay in the building and I hadn't heard anything so I was really sorry I couldn't say bye there, but that we'd see each other for a,coffee. I even gave the following weekend as my availability for example, she replied 'no problems'.

That was 6 weeks ago, haven't seen her or heard from her. I messaged 4 weeks ago to ask how her new team was. She said 'amazing' then replied, I replied back and never got a reply.

AFAIK nothing happened, I think it's just out of sight out of mind, did I do something wrong here? Maybe by considering her an actual friend?

I think if she were interested she'd have suggested another coffee date if she couldn't have done then. We used to speak almost daily and it was very much 50 50, it wasn't always me initiating. I don't really get people! Also we live fairly close by so it'd be easy to catch up.

But did you ever see her outside of work? I mean, you spoke on Teams, but you weren’t even working in the same office…?

It depends on the people doesn't it. I'm still friends with someone I with from 1998-2000 and we meet up most months. And another person I worked with from 2000 as well( different companies)

Me too. But I worked with them for longer, and would have seen them outside of work too.

For the most part, you are correct @Pioneerofaerodynamics

Sorry you have been let down.

We've all learned this the hard way.
I spent weekends at colleagues who were friends houses. We exchanged so much personal information.
Then when one or both of us moved on, we'd exchange emails briefly and that was the end of them.

Sometimes loosing that commonality (the job) means that the friendship ends.

Don't take it to heart.

Soft retired from my company two years ago. Do the odd bit of consultation still in contact with a couple of people.Really great friends with one of them.

Call centre type role so couldn't leave the desks whenever, but saw her on breaks sometimes

I know how it can feel OP. You work together and share an awful lot about your general lives, but quiet often the relationship changes when one moves on. It can feel like a close friend ship at the time, but clearly it wasn't in this case. I wouldn't message again and see if she makes contact.

You never know how these things will go.

I have been on holiday, shared flats illicit substances and even dated and married people who I met at work - my life in new cities would have been dire if I didn't make friends with colleagues. But oftentimes it was just proximity and convenience and we move on, other times we stay close for ever.

Fortunately I am still friends with other colleagues from different jobs, but with this one it was like night and day, wasn't even a gradual fade. I invested time in helping her too.

I’m self employed now - so no co workers thank fucking GOD. But my rule used to be “if I haven’t seen you break company policy you’re not my mate”. That means no socials, no friendships, no nothing. They get the fake persona. Once I’ve seen you break policy THEN we can be friends.

For the person asking i saw her outside of work, we went out once, and we were supposed to when I left but that never happened. But as I say we met up on breaks, it wasn't any less because I didn't regularly see her outside.

Well, it depends, doesn't it. Many of us met our friends at work so I wouldn't say "colleagues are not friends" is universal truth. The deciding factor for me is the fact that you never socialised outside of work. Yes, you had lunch together but this is still a work-based activity. I've been to my colleagues' houses for dinner, stayed over on their sofas when I was in-between houses, helped to watch their kids, went on holidays with them, hosted them at mine many times over the years, got drunk on a night out, shared a hotel room more than once... Changing jobs and, sometimes, cities didn't matter a single bit because our friendship was no longer based on work but on shared experiences outside it.

We did socialise out of work, and as I say we were planning to again. It doesn't mean they should ghost you the second you leave the job.

I would probably have been more direct and persistent, because she isn't a mind reader either. She doesn't know you want to keep on being friendly, because you've told her you can't wait around, then waited for her to message you. I'd say something like 'would you fancy that coffee? When are you free?' And then if you get nowhere, you could be more sure.

We all have busy lives. It's worthwhile to be a bit thick skinned.

I could totally imagine myself doing what she's done and not thinking twice, and still thinking of you as a nice person I wanted to know.

She didn't reply to my message saying I was free the following weekend for coffee, nor to my subsequent messages 4 weeks ago, I think the message is clear.

Yeah, it’s not uncommon sadly.

I lived in a city in a job I was outgrowing but I had such a wonderful group of colleagues. It really was like a team of friends. I loved it there. But, I needed a new challenge and also wanted to move closer to family.

It broke my heart to leave my colleagues, but I knew deep down that my family loved me and I had to choose my family. I promised my colleagues I would keep in touch.

I have been keeping in touch, but it’s been me who initiates every single time, with all of them. It’s been a year, and I am tired of chasing now. I’m a bit sad about it but I know that I did the right thing. I fitted in, we liked each other, but we were never really close personal friends, even though it felt like it at the time. It took moving away to learn that.

I've had this too. Good friends for about three years while we were colleagues, regularly over for dinner as we lived a few bus stops away from each other. I quit, traveled for a few months and kept in touch over texts re a mutual interest. When I got back she texted 'we should meet up for coffee!' a few times but never replied when I asked when she was available. It was weird.

On the upside, from the same workplace I had a loose group of friends who really came together after we all quit, and we still hang out nearly 10 years on.

She was only interested in you until she saw you as someone with whom she can vent her problems daily and who can help her with job search etc. You served your purpose and were of no use to her as you were leaving.

No, I mean did you see her socially in the evenings or at weekends? As in, did the relationship ever move out of the office?

In my current job, I caught one of my colleagues slagging me off on a teams call she didn't know I was on! Very very awkward for all concerned. Froze her out for a few weeks but then decided to be the better person, and started lightly speaking to her again.

Shouldn't have bothered because she did it again. Then she just got up and left one day and didn't tell anyone. Our manager announced it. I was relieved as she was a headcase.

Years ago I had a very good friend at work. We both left, but kept in close touch, had lunch together loads, etc. One week I emailed her asking where we should go for our next lunch. A reply arrived. "I don't think it's doing me any good to be friends with you anymore. It's just not the right time. Best to your family".

And never heard a word again! She'd also blocked me on LinkedIn. I swear NOTHING happened, it was a light and fun friendship, but we also helped each other through various marital mishaps. She was even really sore about a mutual friend of ours who didn't have time to meet because he was studying to be a GP, and would often say how rude he was! I know there was nothing untoward which I said or did. She just lost interest.

It happens, op. If I've learned one thing in life it's how bloody weird so many people are.

I think most people who are congenial will get on with a large group of their coworkers. But I think you really need to click if the friendship is to continue afterwards.

in my last company I had a large group who I got on with and daily working life was great. That company sadly folded and I’m only really friendly now with one. But we are really close and have loads in common, so that’s a win for me.