Colleagues aren't your friends..why do I never learn

[Pioneerofaerodynamics]

I worked at a company for 11 months, started on the same day as a woman and we were in a training group together.
Got on well and helped each other out, messaged often. After a few months I was moved onto team 1 and her onto team 2, she was unhappy in the team and struggled.

We were in the same office so sometimes met at lunch and spoke pretty much daily on teams. She felt like she was being bullied by her manager and I gave her advice and support, and helped her apply for other jobs.

I got another job as I was unhappy working there and left 6 weeks ago. I had to drop my equipment off on the very last day, i told her and we said we could meet up.
I said to her "I'll be there for 10". Waited 10-15 minutes but no sign of her, but we'd already said we could meet for a coffee in town so I knew I'd see her again.

Got a message at 10:50 saying she was there. I explained I'd had to leave once I'd dropped off my equipment as wasn't allowed to stay in the building and I hadn't heard anything so I was really sorry I couldn't say bye there, but that we'd see each other for a,coffee. I even gave the following weekend as my availability for example, she replied 'no problems'.

That was 6 weeks ago, haven't seen her or heard from her. I messaged 4 weeks ago to ask how her new team was. She said 'amazing' then replied, I replied back and never got a reply.

AFAIK nothing happened, I think it's just out of sight out of mind, did I do something wrong here? Maybe by considering her an actual friend?

A lot to be said for people who are able to give constructive advice without shrieking "omg dramatic!!!! Child!!!"

It isn't an insult, it is describing your quite frankly deranged behaviour and attitude.

OK love. Have a fabulous day.

Well I am on jury service - so not sure how fabulous it will be.

I hope you have a better day.

Plenty more (friend) fish in the sea!

As ppl said, it depends on whether you are friends outside work & talk about non work stuff. I retired in January from a company I'd been with for over 20 years.

The people I expected to keep in touch didn't & although initially hurtful, I realised the only thing we had in common was we happened to work in the same place! I definitely keep in touch with people I share more in common with & now the lack of contact from others doesn't bother me at all.

Its a shame, but people move on. Ive been in this scenario, sometimes friendships die off naturally, especially if you are no longer workmates.
I only work part time now and my only 2 real friends are lifelong friends who I grew up with from childhood. We no longer live in the same town but usually meet once a year to catch up.
Its always me that has to instigate it though......

Some people just don't or can't hold you in mind when you're not right in front of them. From her POV she may not even realise that you might be hurt and if she saw you would probably be delighted. Best thing to do is just accept it but I know that's sometimes hard when you have invested a bit in the friendship.

I’m not remotely angry. Respectfully I’m not the one flouncing and blocking because someone they barely know hasn’t responded to a message.

I don’t mean to be unkind but it does jump out from your messages that you seem to feel some entitlement to this person’s friendship because you did them some favours.

I just think you will help yourself massively if you learn to reframe this a bit and relax around the idea of making friends. You seem overly stressed about it.

I will say it again; no one is owed friendship. Most people you meet won’t become friends. Keep trying but if people rebuff you, graciously letting go rather than angrily blocking keeps the door open. And helps break the vicious cycle of feeling hard done by.

Wow, that is quite a presumption on her part - you handled it well though!

As most people who have moved around know, friends are largely a product of proximity and convenience. If you move geographically a few times you'll see you lose almost all your friends. A couple are lifetime friends and it's not about who you get on with most, it's who keeps making the effort. You haven't done anything wrong, it is very natural and common.

Shes probably got the hump on two counts. You were good for a moan about how rubbish working there was, and now you’re gone she’ll have to find someone new to moan to. Also you’ve moved onto something better while she wanted to but hasn’t. Don’t take it personally.

I agree with you OP that it is best to accept that your colleagues are not your friends.

I have come to realise that most of these so called work 'friendships' are superficial and end when you leave a company.

Also many of these friendly colleagues won't hesitate to stab you in the back in the workplace if that benefits them.

I think it is best to be polite but keep your distance and limit the trust you place in the people you work with.

Yes, all of this. ^ I have actually had people stab me in the back, and throw me under the bus at work several times over the years, (not only to benefit them, but also to get themselves out of shit and throw me in it,) and I don't trust any work colleague 100% now, and never will.

Not long back one of my DH's colleagues got the sack, (several reasons for it that they had built up against them over several months,) and this colleague was whining and moaning at DH via WhatsApp saying 'not my fault, I've been set up, la la la!'

DH was messaging back and saying 'that's what these fuckers do, they'll stab you in the back, they're ageist, they're shits etc etc, I'll be there in your corner...' I said to him, 'delete those fucking messages NOW.' He was like ?? and said 'err why?' I said, because firstly, you're compromising yourself by communicating with an ex colleague who has been sacked when you still work for the company, and they're taking action against them, and because when push comes to shove they will use this to their advantage - like at their appeal...

They will very likely say 'well Mr Zov said that you're all shits and bastards and you've set me up and you're ageist' (and all that jazz!) and they would have his WhatsApp messages to prove it. How do you think that's going to work out for you? Is this colleague going to be there when YOU are in trouble, and maybe even sacked? Are they going to help us with our bills when your wage disappears?!

He deleted all the messages, and put the things on disappearing messages, so after a few hours his messages disappear.

The colleague messaged and asked why he had deleted all his messages and was annoyed as they would have been useful for them, and can he send the same ones back.

He wouldn't, and this colleague blocked him.

I think the only angry person on this thread is you…

Wow 😳
He's lucky to have you in his corner - I could have done with this advice in the past 🫣.

You met one of life’s users. You served your purpose for her so she’s done.

You invested too much time in her. Next time only do this if you see have had genuine kindness from someone.

Sorry OP but reading your original post and subsequent follow ups, it seems pretty petty and disingenuous. You are using one recent example to try and make the point that, ‘Colleagues aren't your friends..why do I never learn’, but in a later update you say that, ‘Fortunately I am still friends with other colleagues from different jobs…’
So you’ve answered your own question haven’t you?! Sometimes they are sometimes they’re not. And all you have described is the sort of thing that happens to people all the time, and that it’s in a workplace makes not difference.

Really, it seems you want to attack this one ex-colleague (and have us all join in the pile on), because she was late for a goodbye coffee - working in a call centre where, you say yourself, it is rather hard to manage breaks - and hasn’t (yet) then arranged an alternative meet up.

Of course the real reason you’re furious and have since deleted her number (why? What an utter overreaction!), is that you feel that you supported her over a workplace bullying issue, and you now feel she owes you something - continued friendship. Friendship shouldn’t be transactional. It is a lovely thing that you supported her, and hopefully she was grateful, but it’s something you should do from kindness and human decency, not because you expect something back.

You only find out who your actual friends are after one of you leaves, and whether you still keep in touch.

OP for what it’s worth, I am with you completely on this.

Don’t know if you read my earlier message. Is disingenuous of her to lead you on into thinking you had a genuine connection and that she cared about you, but then just drops you. with my situation, I am reporting my line manager as I feel used and don’t want her being like this with someone else. With your situation, I’d probably just ask her in a text out right what’s going on. Not in a confrontational way or anything, just say it’s thrown you a bit.

That’s not a friend friend it’s a work friend, your only bond is work and when that goes your work friendship goes. what did you talk about? If it was mainly work that’s your answer.

What? This is nuts.

If its “disingenuous” to maintain cordial relationships with people who you work with no one would get anything done.

Honestly its not a romantic relationship.

You work with people, you rub along with them ok to oil the wheels of work. This is totally normal. That doesn’t mean you can’t develop proper friendships but you are not marrying them!

I have loads of friends that I met at work - previous jobs and my current job.

Someone above said "it's not a friend, it's a work friend". Bizarre. Why are friends that started off as colleagues perceived to be different types of friends to those you meet at NCT classes or bookclubs?

It's another way that MN doesn't seem to reflect normal life in many respects

Yes, absolutely this. There's nothing at all 'disengenuous' here.

And the situation the OP describes doesn't sound as if it ever established itself as a friendship outside of work -- they worked at the same company for 11 months, weren't working on the same team, so only saw one another at the initial training and sometimes at lunch, but don't ever appear to have seen one another out of work.

I mean, it could easily have been the beginnings of a genuine, lasting friendship, but it just doesn't sound as if the OP and her colleague had enough time to establish things on a firm footing before the OP left, which makes whether things continue a lot more chancy than if they'd been on the same team and/or regularly saw one another outside of the workplace so they'd got more integrated into one another's lives.

A lot of people on Mumsnet really struggle socially. I am often gobsmacked at how bizarre people’s reactions are to very ordinary social interactions. The threads about school are eye opening.

A lot of people seem to expect to go from 0 to 60 with new friends overnight: they latch onto someone (at work or at the school gate) identifying them as a BFF and then become furiously angry when this isn’t reciprocated.

Friendship is organic and takes time. You can try to facilitate it but you are not entitled to it and can’t force it.

Its like a lot of people have missed that part of their development where they learn this.