Colleagues aren't your friends..why do I never learn

[Pioneerofaerodynamics]

I worked at a company for 11 months, started on the same day as a woman and we were in a training group together.
Got on well and helped each other out, messaged often. After a few months I was moved onto team 1 and her onto team 2, she was unhappy in the team and struggled.

We were in the same office so sometimes met at lunch and spoke pretty much daily on teams. She felt like she was being bullied by her manager and I gave her advice and support, and helped her apply for other jobs.

I got another job as I was unhappy working there and left 6 weeks ago. I had to drop my equipment off on the very last day, i told her and we said we could meet up.
I said to her "I'll be there for 10". Waited 10-15 minutes but no sign of her, but we'd already said we could meet for a coffee in town so I knew I'd see her again.

Got a message at 10:50 saying she was there. I explained I'd had to leave once I'd dropped off my equipment as wasn't allowed to stay in the building and I hadn't heard anything so I was really sorry I couldn't say bye there, but that we'd see each other for a,coffee. I even gave the following weekend as my availability for example, she replied 'no problems'.

That was 6 weeks ago, haven't seen her or heard from her. I messaged 4 weeks ago to ask how her new team was. She said 'amazing' then replied, I replied back and never got a reply.

AFAIK nothing happened, I think it's just out of sight out of mind, did I do something wrong here? Maybe by considering her an actual friend?

People are friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Most work friends are there for a reason or a season, and it can be quite intense. It's fine. If it is going to be a lifetime, then lots more has to happen outside of work over a longer duration. Once you leave, and you don't have the same stuff in common, it is hard to keep it going unless you both want to. Not sure if this helps or not x

I can relate. It’s hurtful isn’t it? Three weeks ago, I let my line manager know I was leaving my job. Prior to this I’d been bullied by two other women at work and they started a smear campaign against me. Anyway I’ve always been really close to my line manager. Been working at this company for seven months. When I told her I was leaving she’s switched on me and acting like she couldn’t care less about me. Just said, good luck, all The best for the future. That’s it. She has been warm and like a friend to me the rest of the time.

I was once chatting with a colleague who I got on really well with when she suddenly said “I have enough friends so I won’t be making friends with you outside of work” I was taken aback, I’d never even hinted at seeing her out of work, I just started laughing and told her not to worry I felt the same about her. I just thought that was a really weird thing to blurt out, she must’ve given it some thought and then decided I wasn’t up to scratch, lol

It's not uncommon when you've helped people out with stuff that, rather than seeing this as a bond of loyalty, it becomes from their point of view a kind of debt that hangs around their neck, and by being shot of you they can be shot of that past negative feeling.

Exactly what constitutes a friendship seems to be a subject of eternal debate, particularly on Mumsnet. Sometimes having a past in common is not enough to sustain it, and especially if that shared past was anything less than joyous.

This ^^ I was really good friends with a couple of women from a former job. We socialized outside work with our partners and I was even a bridesmaid at one of their weddings! Then DH and I moved and the friendships faded. We kept in touch for a bit but it's completely petered out now. No animosity, but the job brought us together and when we all moved on to new opportunities, I suppose we stopped making the effort.

I invested time in helping her too.

Surely you just took the time to help someone who needed it. People do that all the time without expecting the person they helped to be obligated to remain friends with them indefinitely.

Friendly relationships with colleagues seldom develop into friendships outside of work. Chances are that the posters here who have become lasting friends with a colleague or two had friendly relationships with hundreds of other colleagues during their working lives that they never became friends with. Even colleagues they had helped from time to time.

Don’t take it to heart, but maybe give some thought to your expectations of people.

I think you’re being a bit black and white about this.

Its true that most colleague friendships don’t become true friendships. Some do: I have genuine multi year friendships from jobs. But as a general rule they tend to be situation specific.

But you seem to be framing this in a negative and suspicious way. She may have a million reasons not to have found the time for a coffee yet.

Have you had bad experiences with colleagues in the past?

I’ve heard people express views like this.

Not only is this incredibly rude its utterly stupid. No one has a “friendship quota” which they fill and then they don’t have to make more.

Friendships evolve and change, sometimes people move away and the dynamics change. Its ridiculous to think of making friends as something you do once and then leave, like doing a degree or building a swimming pool.

People who say things like this don’t understand friendships.

I had a work friendship that didn’t even survive me moving to a different floor in the building, let alone the company. We had been on holiday together, socialised outside of work, knew personal stuff about each other, had lunch together most days (with a few other people). I moved departments and my lunch hour was at a different time, it was an office with just me and another woman, we had to have lunch at different times. ‘Friend’ had no restrictions on when to have lunch. I pretty much never mixed with her again, every time I suggested she have lunch a bit later so we could catch up (and so I didn’t constantly have to have lunch alone) she’d say ‘But the team up here are going earlier.’ Still annoys me!

On the flip side, I have made some very good longstanding friends from work, which have lasted decades. And a couple that I thought would last outside work, but petered out almost instantly.

Did you text much outside of work?

It seems that most of your interaction is within the working day.

I have colleagues who I get on so well with, I absolutely love them but we’re not really friends as we don’t speak or socialise outside of work.

But the I have colleagues who are my friends who I text and meet up with socially.

It doesn’t sound like you were proper friends.
It sounds as though you were work colleagues and you were building up to be friends.

I wouldn’t take it personally though.
She obviously likes you as a person but you don’t know what she’s got going on in her life and she’s probably just really busy and struggles to maintain a friendship.

Yes, we messaged outside of work on WhatsApp and Facebook.

Im so bored with 'busy' being used as the excuse for everything, it's not a competition, everyone is busy, she hasn't replied for 4 weeks and never replied to the coffee date.

You sound a bit petulant.

You seem to be framing this as she “owes” you a coffee/drink because you helped her at work. Friendships (proper ones) don’t work like that. They should be freely given by both parties, not transactional because one party owes another one. There could be a million reasons she hasn’t replied. Many of which have nothing to do with you.

If you approach making friends like this you’re not going to make a lot. You need to reframe this.

Chill out a bit, leave it with her. Maybe she will come back, maybe she won’t. If she doesn’t, chalk up to experience.

But I think you need to learn to back off a bit, let people make organic decisions about choosing their friends and accept that doing someone a favour doesn’t automatically entitle you to a friendship.

I think she’s likely too busy to meet rather than too busy to text.
(or other issues like financial difficulties etc)

Most people would meet up with someone they got on with unless there were other issues like being too busy, in a controlling relationship, can’t afford it etc.

The not texting back for weeks is rude and I wouldn’t bother messaging her again but that’s her saying she’s not that interested in carrying on a proper friendship.

I wouldn’t take it personally.

A lot of people are like this, they only socialise with work friends inside work but not outside. When they leave, they never think of that person again! I’m like you and have messaged asking after them, only to receive a dry response!

I've deleted the number now and just moving on, then won't be tempted to message again.

You said once? That's not really enough to build a friendship

Ah I'm done with this argument over semantics, just because we didn't meet up tons out of work it doesn't mean I imagined it all or that there was no connection, no matter what I say I'll be told 'well you didn't regularly socialise out of work so it was meaningless'. It doesn't mean there was no connection and that's why they vanished the second you left the job.

There’s no need for this melodrama.

You were work friends. She’s left. You have left the door open to a proper friendship with an offer to meet. She hasn’t replied (you don’t know why).

You don’t need to slam the door on her because she’s failed to respond in what you consider an appropriate timeframe. No need to make an enemy of someone. You gain nothing by blocking her except a brief sugar rush of spite.

Just let it go and stop overinvesting in people before you know them properly. So unnecessary and childish.

You're being dramatic!

Who know why she hasn't been in touch, only she knows!

But quite frankly deleting her number smacks of being childish!

You need to look at why you get so invested and so hurt by them not following your rules

Someone's made you angry today...no need for it

Not really bothered if you want to scream that it's 'childish' I've little to gain by keeping the number.

The poster you quoted doesn't sound angry at all.

You on the other hand are coming across as a petulant child

Yeah, ok. 'Child' is a boring insult, frankly.

i think people come into our lives and also leave, not everyone is supposed to stay with us for our life journey. They are just part of a few chapters or just one chapter.

once you take that onboard, it’s easier to enjoy the friendship and let go at the end of a chapter

This chapter was about your help and support.

What will the next chapter bring, what will you learn and how much fun will you have