AIBU to allow teen DD to swear at home?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

My mother is appalled by this. It came about when DD4 (15) came home in a mood about something at school, I was on the phone with my mother and sister. She said "Mr X said we cant use Y room at lunch any more for health and safety, which is bullshit, he just can't be arsed being in there".

I made sympathetic noises, she went up to her room.

Mother is disgusted that I "allow" this. DD has no younger siblings, and all her older siblings were allowed the same as long as they didnt do it in front of their not-at-senior-school younger sibs.

I just think that they are all swearing like dockers at school so what is the point in pretending they dont? I swear a lot, especially when driving, so it would be very hypocritical of me to censor her. Obviously, she knows where and when it s appropriate and never swears in front of her Grandma.

grandparent was on a phonecall, not in the room...

and the word was bullshit, more vulgar or rude than swearing.

unclench and drop the pearls

This

I swear. I’d feel sheepish telling my teens off for the odd swear word in front of me!

Mother is disgusted

come on then @PyongyangKipperbang … tell us the back story. Your mother is judgey, distant and critical, and the two of you have a somewhat fraught and tumultuous relationship…. Correct?

I've never stopped my kids from swearing. Swear words are just words and there are plenty of non swear words that can be even more hurtful or inappropriate.

I have taught them some words should not be used and that some words are ok in some situations and not others and that some words can get you in serious trouble and cause significant harm.

After that it's up to them. Neither of them really swear around family but I'm sure definitely do around their friends.

The only place I experience the C word is on MN. Really!

@CandiedPrincess can I have another medal please?

I would have had my mouth washed out with soap for that.

I wouldn't go to that extent with my own kids but I certainly wouldn't allow them to swear in front of me. It's called respect.

Its not respect if its achieved through you forbidding it; thats through fear of repercussion (whatever that repercussion may be) its respect if they dont swear in front of you through their own choice.

the difference between respect born of mutual understanding and compliance driven by fear of consequences.When a child stops a behavior like swearing purely to avoid punishment, they are practicing situational compliance, not genuine respect.

idk I think swearing is expressive but I also get told off still at the ripe age of 34 if I swear in my mum's house lol. I tell my kids swearing isnt allowed because I think it's important how people perceive you. I think if a teen is out and about swearing it gives the wrong impression and if rather people not think my kids were little thugs.

There will be an age where they will inevitably swear but context is key and I think as long as they aren't getting carried away it may be ok.

at the moment though no. I don't allow it and I don't listen to music with cuss words, I try not to swear myself and if around people who do, explain to my children how that person is expressing themselves but I want better for them.

Do you swear in front of them @IronEverything

MNLurker1345

I work in a supermarket, I hear it so much, mostly teens unfortunately, and from all walks of life, not the stereotypical ones!

I passed a mother and DD on the street, minding my own business. Mother says “well that’s bullshit, innit….”

We were outside the local primary school, DD looked 9 or 10.

How does a young one respond to that?

No

C&P'd from my post above.....

" agree with this. My mother was the same, she was very worried about appearances and "what will the neighbours think?". Clothes, hair, language, she controlled every little thing, often with violence. As a result my sister and I are both affected by it. It turned my sister into a chronic people pleaser out of fear of rejection and me into an oppositional defensive person who swears too much, dyes her hair mad colours and wear deeply age inappropriate clothing (according to her anyway, 50+ women shouldnt wear skinny jeans, band shirts and converse ). We have both done extensive work on ourselves to try and fix these things, but its hard."

Do you swear?

My mother did this to my sister. She was about 6. She had heard the word "Twat" and asked my parents what it meant, my mother dragged her up the stairs and washed her mouth out. She wasnt swearing! She was asking a question. Dsis and I both have never forgotten that moment because my mother made me stand in the bathroom and watch so I would learn the lesson too.

Yeah.....we did have a fucked up childhood.

So I’m surprised you were surprised by your mother’s reaction!

She sounds nasty as hell and I don’t know why you were chatting to her on the phone tbh!

That's awful, OP - I'm sorry you and your sister were treated so badly 💐

I wasnt surprised, just checking that I am not actually the freak she paints me as! It did make me wonder about what other people do, a bit like the "do you let your kids drink alcohol at home if they are under 18" threads. It was more checking that I hadnt actually got it completely wrong!

Why do I talk to her? For her enabler my father's sake. I am actually his carer and as she is early stage dementia, it is inevitable that I will end up being hers too. I would never want my sister to do it, and she has enough on her plate as her husband has some serious health issues and she has to work as well. Taking one for the team I guess.

Well at least keep her far away from your children

Its funny actually, a few things have come out over the last ten years. Basically she envies my close relationship with the kids, how I am not authoritarian and explain things to them so it means that they accept my word ("Sorry but we cant have Maccies as we dont have the money for that this week") instead of "No - slap- stop asking for things". And then when I dyed my hair bright pink for my 50th she said that she wished she had been brave enough to not care what other people think, like I am. She is never negative to the kids, has accepted all sorts. Its me that used to get it and not so much now.

But sometimes, she reverts to type.

How has this turned into a "Stately Homes" confessional?! 😅

My kids are 20 and 21. We have never told them not to swear. Of course I’m sure they swear but they don’t swear at home in front of us for some reason. And definitely not in front of their grandparents.

I would not have loved it though had they sworn at a young age.

Swearing is nasty but teenagers like to show off by using swear words. I always correct my son when he uses the f word. His dad swears too so I've got my work cut out! I'll be your mum 😅

That's ok. I am one of these working class people. We know the difference between regular working class people and the Cs

Yeah I never hear anyone using the C word in real life either