AIBU to allow teen DD to swear at home?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

My mother is appalled by this. It came about when DD4 (15) came home in a mood about something at school, I was on the phone with my mother and sister. She said "Mr X said we cant use Y room at lunch any more for health and safety, which is bullshit, he just can't be arsed being in there".

I made sympathetic noises, she went up to her room.

Mother is disgusted that I "allow" this. DD has no younger siblings, and all her older siblings were allowed the same as long as they didnt do it in front of their not-at-senior-school younger sibs.

I just think that they are all swearing like dockers at school so what is the point in pretending they dont? I swear a lot, especially when driving, so it would be very hypocritical of me to censor her. Obviously, she knows where and when it s appropriate and never swears in front of her Grandma.

Obviously, she knows where and when it s appropriate and never swears in front of her Grandma

Then that's all that matters and her grandma needs to mind her own business.

It's absolutely nothing to do with her what you do and don't allow in your own bloody home.

The word 'chav' is far more offensive than the word 'bullshit'. Embarrassing to use that word.

It would only be disrespectful if they were doing in front of people who were upset and offended by swearing. The OP isn't upset or offended by swear words, so her DD isn't being disrespectful to use them. As the OP says, her DD doesn't swear in front of people who don't like it, such as her grandmother. Her grandmother overheard her on a phone call, so the DD wasn't swearing in her grandmother's presence.

What I would consider offensive would be people throwing sneering classist terms like 'chav' around, so I would nip that in the bud straight away.

We swear at home.

And I have big age gaps (mine are 23,13 and 6) so younger ones have always heard it.

They all know where swearing isn’t appropriate. None of them have ever got in trouble for swearing at school, in front of other people etc.

A teen's just been sacked for swearing in the local cafe. The problem is that if you always speak in a certain way, it's harder to control it. And some words really upset some people, but don't bother others at all.

The OP has already said that she knows where and when it's inappropriate.

There are lots of things that teenagers might be allowed to do at home that they aren't allowed to do at school. You can't expect parents to run their homes like you run a school, because they're totally different environments with different norms and different rules are therefore appropriate.

The problem is we're then trying to send them in to the work place where employers / customers / clients won't accept ot

Depends on the workplace. In a lot of workplaces swearing now and again (or constantly, in some places) is totally normal and fine. I work in communications for a (very) professional body and words like 'bullshit' and 'can't be arsed' are used routinely in open plan offices and smaller meetings where colleagues are familiar with each other will include the odd F-bomb (and, when my boss and I have our one-to-ones every fortnight, far worse... we both love a cathartic swear, and in my boss's case, that can be in both his languages).

A lot of what schools claim is 'preparing pupils for a work environment' bears little resemblance to normal workplaces, to be honest.

I can only assume my mother found the thread as she used the word "vulgar" too! As for "chavtastic", have a fucking word with yourself, that is far more offensive than any swear word.

I don't know the op's daughter but lots of parents think their kids don't swear outside of the house (or drink / smoke etc) but the reality can be very different

I remind the students that it can be ok to swear in social situations but I'm constantly met with "my Mam let's me" and it's totally different in a situation with 30 teenagers who really need to follow the social norms that swearing isn't acceptable in most work environments

She would rather die than swear in school. She has never been in trouble except once she got a detention as she misunderstood a homework assignment, she was inconsolable all evening.

I think it is wildly unrealistic for parents to say that their kids never swear. Every swear I ever learned was from the school yard. Just because you dont hear them doesnt mean they dont do it.

Oh I love swearing! My dc know how and when to swear, and when not to.

1 dc has never sworn and I imagine never will, and the other swears like a trooper.

I've not really got much time for Pollyanna's who don't enjoy a good swear word now and again.

We never limited DD’s language at any age. We did explain that there were words that society arbitrarily decided were bad words and that she couldn’t use them in certain situations without people getting upset. Never a problem with her using language in appropriate context and situation.

For anyone wondering, yes, I did use words like arbitrarily to explain this to a 3 year old. That is just how our family operates and she has hyperlexia so it was also how she spoke.

My ds 13 and 16 swears at home in context. None of them swears infront of their grandmother, other parents or in school. At home they let their guard down just as when they are with friends.

Those words aren’t even proper swearing anyway

Why is the word chav considered so offensive lately??

One of my brothers worked in a bus depot doing repairs and stuff. There were definitely plenty of swear words used there

I wouldn’t allow it in my house but she’s not my child and as far as I’m concerned you can parent any way you want, it’s not your mums business!

Not sure why you say 'lately' - there has been criticism of use of the word for many years.

My Dc never swore in front of adults and we never swore in front of them. We’re now all adults so a little bit of swearing takes place. However, we rarely swear in anger about someone as such. That’s just the way we were!
My eldest DGC might occasionally shout ‘oh God’ when he’s annoyed on his PS, which is a sign that he’s been on it long enough. If an inanimate object annoys you so much that you swear at it, you’ve lost control of your emotions.
I actually cannot abide it if a driver swears when they’re driving because it’s a sign that they’re not fully in control of the vehicle.

I think this is a really family specific thing. Given you say, you do it in the car often and your mum does it, I feel like it's not an issue.

We don't swear at home, or outside. My parents don't swear and I've also never heard my ILs swear. In keeping with this, I wouldn't want DC to swear although i appreciate things will be different come school age and they will have to respect the no swearing rule even then.

Thats a novel point of view! I do most of my swearing in the car, usually at bellends who cut me up or drive dangerously.

Our kids code switch. We sometimes have to remind them that we're their parents and therefore words need hard endings, grammar should be correct and expletives need filtering. Thel code switch much better around grand parents and other adults that they've not heard swear.

We as family do not swear so it would be a serious problem if 15 year old DGD swore at home or here.

Her friends at school do swear, she doesn’t. We are all different.

I knew my kids swore at school. They know they aren't allowed to swear at home. They still follow my rules even though they are adult now (except occasionally when gaming in a room with a closed door - I suspect they think I don't hear them). It's a very good skill to have - being able to not swear when required. Otherwise it becomes automatic and can make things difficult in some situations.

I will enjoy my new name, Pollyanna 😇

Absofuckinglutely