to ask if you consider this a real 'date' and he's flaking?

[AmberCatz]

I wasn't sure whether to post on my original thread or not, but the algorithm didn't seem to pick up my update!

I went on a date last weekend, after being hotly pursued by this guy. It lasted 10 hours! Major chemistry, laughs, and physical flirtation though no kiss yet. As soon as he got home he messaged to ask me to go a show next week (three different dates we can go, tbc).

In the meantime, I thought I'd love to see him before then and want to show interest as he's done for me. Therefore I asked him to meet for lunch or dinner when we're working in the same area tomorrow. He replied 'oh yes definitely! I should be around' - so then as I know his work schedule is gruelling currently compared to mine I said well I'm quite flexible so just give me an idea of what time suits'. This was two days ago, he hasn't responded. He did watch my stories on Instagram this morning.

Am I right in thinking he's just not as interested as he appeared to be on date one? I don't really think I should chase this up. It's sort of an interim date to our next date, but it still counts surely.

I wouldn't have any idea ahead of time what time I'd be getting my lunch break as we have to ensure adequate staff cover, and if something pops up that I need to deal with I might not even go when I was planning on it. I would have interpreted the exchange as "yes, work permitting, I'll be about" you then told him "I am happy to wait to hear from you when you know what works as I'm not working around anything else, and I've not given you a timescale for letting me know by". So he hasn't.

There's no way of knowing if this is lack of interest or miscommunication. If he messages you tomorrow and let's you know a time, there's your answer. Equally, if he doesn't mention it, and you just get a retrospective "sorry was super busy" after lunch, then that too is your answer, unfortunately!

Thanks @HydenSeek

If tomorrow doesn't go ahead, should I NOT let it get in the way of the next date if he is proactive in scheduling it?

I understand what you're saying here. It's the fact he said yes but hasn't spoken since. I feel quite anxious during early stage dating, it's not great.

God the dating game is so shit! Why can’t people just be direct and honest?

if it were me, I would want be to ask him if he’s interested. Because I’d want to know. But realistically that looks needy so you’re just gojng to have to wait. Which is shit.

personally I would say that 2 days of non response isn’t really showing interest and I’d think he is sticking his fingers in a few pies and seeing what works.

men. Absolute fuckers. Until you find the right one.

I think he just saw this as a play it by ear thing. I personally would wait until the day of to follow up, maybe late morning and just say “Hey, how’s your day looking? Still free to catch up for lunch?”
I don’t think he’s being flaky at all.

this is what I'm trying to work out! Is he taking it as a real date or just as a 'maybe' between our next actual date. wish I hadn't suggested it now, I was just keen to see him.

so yes - I'm wondering whether to message again in the morning, or leave it. I feel quite sensitive about looking too keen.

Is the show date sorted and booked in?

"I should be around"
If I wrote that I would mean I've no idea if I would be free.
You've said you're flexible, he may be busy.
Look forward to an actual date at the show. That sounds like great fun.

Not yet. And this feels important too.

He said he'd come back to me this week with dates that work so we can book. Maybe he'll do it this weekend after the working week - we will see. He's in no rush though is he?

I had a terrible break up last year. I want to be protective of my heart while also enjoying a new connection. Don't want to ignore red flags this time!

If the show date is a definite (booked and paid for and logistics agreed etc) I would honestly leave the lunch date.
You have only been on 1 date, and to have another one so soon, when the official second date is already planned may seem a bit much to him ?

Sorry, but I doubt you'll ever hear from him again.

I’m seeing red flags 😩

Ok so the second date isn’t booked… I personally would feel if he really did want this Show date he’d have pulled his finger out and sorted it.

I think he just saw it as a casual potential arrangement based on what’s happening at work that day. Just treat it like that and as if that’s what you intended too. I think if he’s watching your stories and responded enthusiastically (which he did, but also with ‘I should be around’ which just suggests to me he wasn’t sure what would be happening that day work-wise). I’d message on the day, but very casually and wouldn’t get upset if he can’t make it, only if he doesn’t reply at all.

I had the best first date with him too - you get your hopes up. I felt he was special.

He said he would come back to me on the show this week so I suppose the real test is whether he sorts that out say this weekend or not. Ah I bloody hate being back into dating! Remembering why I don't bother....

part of the reason I did this was because I feel up until now he's done most of the pursuing. He then said when asking my plans for this week 'wow you seem really busy compared to me' - I wanted to show i can make space for him in my life. He said a few things that sounded like he felt I was really busy.

I am but I will always make time for the right guy and am keen to!

I would never meet a love interest / date during my lunch break. It’s too stressful. Work is stressful, getting a lunch break is one thing, knowing when I’ll grab 30 mins is another. You’ve only met once so I wouldn’t read anything into that.

I do remember from before I met my husband (second husband..)
I hadn’t dated like that before as I met my 1st DH really young.

It can be harsh and you have to be firm and strong at times and try not to get attached too early! I hate all the games though and wondering what/when to make contact.

yeah maybe this is my mistake then?

Maybe, giving benefit of the doubt, he wanted to sound keen but now has gone off doing it during the work day. But I mean, dinner was possible too.

I think we don't know each other well enough yet.

I would wait until tomorrow to see if he contacts you about lunch/dinner. That’ll be your answer. If he was really into you he wouldn’t ‘forget’ and would be booking the show/actively arranging a date to see you again. Leave the ball in his court and you won’t have to wait long for your answer!

To be honest I would never have suggested the lunch date and I might be mildly irked that you suggested it if I were him.

He already came back to you immediately with plans for your next date, maybe it’s just my personality type but I would have accepted this and then looked forward to it. You suggesting an interim date at a time when you know he’s busy just throws it all into chaos. It’s too much.

Maybe he is busy i would hate to feel pressured like this there is work time and date time and eep my life in compartments

Tbh, if he's really into you he won't be put off by anything.

You don't need to over think being "breezy" or subtle or messaging at the right time.

Obviously a lot of crazy intense messages is probably not a good idea but a simple one will show where you stand.

I'd be shitting myself but also it's better to bite the bullet. I'd message him NOW tonight before it's too late.

"Hey,

Hope all well!

How are things looking for

(I) Lunch or dinner tomorrow
(II) The big show?

Xx AmberCatz"

Then don't message him again.

His good response, or flakiness, or lack or response will be all the information you need for the next stage.

If he's boyfriend material he'll make the next stage easy, if you feel uneasy or he leaves you hanging probably not.

@dracn yes but it's not booked yet. So not officially set up to look forward to.

I didn't mean to irk him and to be fair he replied sounding keen! So he can't have been that irked surely. God dating is a minefield :(

we met at his workplace because I have ties there too (won't bore you with details). but basically that's why I'm there tomorrow, so we'll be a 5 minute walk apart.

he's also now been on instagram posting but still not replying to me. Yeah - I dunno. We will see.

You might be giving off slightly stalkerish vibes. You sound absolutely obsessed! I’d just chill out and wait for the next scheduled date. Ten hours is quite intense for a first date. Take time to process it