to ask if you consider this a real 'date' and he's flaking?

[AmberCatz]

I wasn't sure whether to post on my original thread or not, but the algorithm didn't seem to pick up my update!

I went on a date last weekend, after being hotly pursued by this guy. It lasted 10 hours! Major chemistry, laughs, and physical flirtation though no kiss yet. As soon as he got home he messaged to ask me to go a show next week (three different dates we can go, tbc).

In the meantime, I thought I'd love to see him before then and want to show interest as he's done for me. Therefore I asked him to meet for lunch or dinner when we're working in the same area tomorrow. He replied 'oh yes definitely! I should be around' - so then as I know his work schedule is gruelling currently compared to mine I said well I'm quite flexible so just give me an idea of what time suits'. This was two days ago, he hasn't responded. He did watch my stories on Instagram this morning.

Am I right in thinking he's just not as interested as he appeared to be on date one? I don't really think I should chase this up. It's sort of an interim date to our next date, but it still counts surely.

I think I always associated getting you with 'sex', then they're off!

but maybe there's another type (thrill of the chase, full stop).

It kind of bothers me, like he had his fill in that 10 hours and that was enough! Need to not attach the outcome to my self esteem in any way.

Chuck him back before you get too invested. He’s far more casual about it than you are. If he’s keen he’d have been in touch, not just watching your stories.
Even if he can’t do lunch he’d definitely have kept communication open outside of lunchtime .

it’s pretty much Friday now, he said ‘this week’ ref booking the show.
please don’t chase him up now ref lunch or show.
you already offered lunch and he’s kept you hanging.

in my experience chasing people up goes one of two ways: ghosting or half hearted effort and attempts at getting a shag before they inevitably ghost you. Someone who is interested will be far more proactive than this and you won’t need to chase.

He’s showing at the very least that he’s slack and I don’t think he’s going to be able to meet your expectations for communication if you did get more involved.

also this might sound weird but I noticed we follow two of the same relationship counsellors on Instagram! One is quite famous/general, the other is for understanding avoidant behaviours. I assumed this would mean a more emotionally intelligent guy but maybe that's a stupid assumption.

This.

you’ve met him once - have a vague plan for round two, and are trying to invade my working days.

I’d honestly run a mile abd think you were overkeen and were going to be hard work.

Especially if you're both child free and youngish I think if someone likes you there's just no doubt early on, you're not wondering.

There's nothing you can do to put him off unless you have some really mad secrets or change your appearance and personality completely.

Men that age who are available and open to a 1-1 relationship aren't risk averse when they identify someone for serious interest.

Their messages and dates might not be perfect or fun and flirty but they treat it like securing a job. As long as you're responsive and available they want to seal the deal.

I had a hookup with someone, he asked if I could come out for lunch that day.

I looked out my window and he was standing on my doorstep on his phone.... sending me a message to suggest come visit his family farm (which I guess would have meant seeing his family).

I saw him at a party after, he cornered me for an unprompted chat about how he didn't do casual.

And this was a young guy who comes across as a bit "laddish" without great messaging or social skills and who I'd had a drunken hookup with.

Whereas I've had nice well-planned first dates with guys where things just fizzle out, or maybe they breadcrumb if they want to keep me on hold for attention.

On this, I should say - when he said he should be available on Friday, he followed up to also ask which building I'd be in that day for meeting up purposes.

Really nothing was stopping him from saying out the gate that would be a little tricky if he didn't want to meet at all. He also replied within the hour, so hardly horrified by the suggestion. Anyway if I have screwed up I'll be kind to myself - maybe my first foray into dating in a year is a bit clumsy. I'll give myself a break.

You've done nothing wrong.

I'm quite a cold fish but as I said I don't think anything you do early on can be construed as "off putting" to the right guy for you.

You sent a polite invite to a guy you've been communicating with, you weren't turning up physically with no arrangement asking for attention!

If he felt smothered he could have just politely made an excuse.

It seems a bit like he wants to charm you, to keep you available but at a distance so you don't make too many requests, and he can meet others or see you on his schedule only?

Hence he's not messaged you for 2 days, he likes the attention but is worried you'll bring up physical meets when he doesn't like you enough to make time for these.

I think you're overkeen and overthinking. This was a bonus meetup, you know his work is intense, so it might not happen. Try for that second date that you've pencilled in, that's the real test.

She’s done nothing wrong! This guy is not interested , that’s all. Dust yourself down OP and plan some nice things with yourself and friends. Shake it off! Don’t message him again. If he messages you, be wary. If he didn’t kiss you despite opportunities? Then he doesn’t fancy you. Doesn’t mean you’re not attractive and fanciable to others.

Bloody hell OP just chill out. If he contacts you he contacts you, if he doesn't then fuck him. Why do women obsess so much about men they're dating? You'd NEVER see them getting worked up about women!

If he's feeling the stalker vibes that I am, I suspect he's fading it out

I think this is unfair.

Anyway he hasn't messaged so far this morning, so I'm just going to get on with my day.

yep, that's now the plan!

I wouldn’t see it as a date I’d just see it as an informal quick lunch so could be why?

He sounds like a typical man, they don't plan stuff like we do they just wing it last minute (or forget). He'll either message you at 11 saying where are we meeting for lunch or he has forgotten.

Whichever it is, don't write him off yet but if you do get another date in with him, it's ok to be strong on your boundaries of what you want.

Leave it. In early stage dating this shouldn't even be crossing your mind. Nobody should be this invested in a stranger. In fact, I'd say that the first three months of consistent dating is an opportunity for both parties to figure out if they want to continue seeing each other.
The fact that you are already tracking his online status on SM is..not great, to put it mildly. I would give the whole dating a miss at this point and focus on your mindset until you feel that you are sufficiently emotionally detached from the outcome.

so you were going to take him out on a date? That’s what’s implied if you suggest dinner & it implies you’ll be paying. I’m sorry but you messed with his head & he may be feeling emasculated & put off continuing to pursue you. You came across as impatient & clingy.

Yes, from the OP. She sounds very needy

Honestly, when someone likes you a request to meet for lunch wouldn’t put them off. Ignore all the people saying red flags etc etc, that’s so mean of them.
I wouldn’t overthink things when you’re new to dating, but the best approach I found, was to expect nothing, that all men are shits until they prove otherwise. Harsh I know, but it’s really to protect yourself. Don’t get invested in any way, don’t start to like them, don’t answer messages straight away. Keep yourself emotionally safe. It takes months and months to know someone and even then you don’t know everything.
So see how this guy behaves. You’ve done nothing wrong. If he flakes on you - it’s his problem and you’ve dodged a bullet or not suited.
Oh and it’s also not weird to scope out other people’s social media - it’s not stalkerish or anything. How else are you supposed to know the person is not following Only Fans for example. Posters on here really like to bully & bitch. Ignore them.

She asked him for LUNCH.

WTF is wrong with you? Missing the playground? Grow up.

This.

It's all data gathering and social signalling really in the early stages.... If he flakes its information, if you feel uneasy with the communication style it won't get better.

The OP has done everything fine, there's a lot of flakes out there.

Guys who want to be your boyfriend are not sitting there going "Oh no, she's suggested lunch! I feel she's too dominating! I've gone off her!".

They're worrying if you like them, or making sure you don't meet someone else.

The guys who have been seriously interested in me all made themselves very available in the first month.

Even helping me move boxes or coming to a demonstration (me contacting them).

Or being apologetic and explaining loads if they were busy. One guy sent me a spreadsheet of his shifts so I could see when he was around.

Let us know what happens today, OP!

Asking someone for lunch is not needy the rest is

I hate mixing business and pleasure. A rushed lunch hour, queuing at a sandwich shop, when you have to clock watch to get back for a meeting, or have to cancel last minute because an issue has come up at work that you must deal with immediately – that is not the mood for developing a new romance.

You don't know his workplace attitude to lunch. Lots of places expect people to grab a sandwich at their desk or work through until a natural break. Even if I really liked someone I'd feel very pressurised by that suggestion.

He is probably keeping you hanging as he is talking to multiple women and he has worked out that you're interested. He knows that he can keep you hanging whilst he tests out other dates. I wouldn't message, if he does message you with the usual sorry i've been flat out etc..You can decide if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, myself personally, I would jog him on!