to ask if you consider this a real 'date' and he's flaking?

[AmberCatz]

I wasn't sure whether to post on my original thread or not, but the algorithm didn't seem to pick up my update!

I went on a date last weekend, after being hotly pursued by this guy. It lasted 10 hours! Major chemistry, laughs, and physical flirtation though no kiss yet. As soon as he got home he messaged to ask me to go a show next week (three different dates we can go, tbc).

In the meantime, I thought I'd love to see him before then and want to show interest as he's done for me. Therefore I asked him to meet for lunch or dinner when we're working in the same area tomorrow. He replied 'oh yes definitely! I should be around' - so then as I know his work schedule is gruelling currently compared to mine I said well I'm quite flexible so just give me an idea of what time suits'. This was two days ago, he hasn't responded. He did watch my stories on Instagram this morning.

Am I right in thinking he's just not as interested as he appeared to be on date one? I don't really think I should chase this up. It's sort of an interim date to our next date, but it still counts surely.

eek I don't think so. If anything, he's been the one hotly pursuing over the last month. I suggested this to look as proactive as he's been, hopefully doesn't backfire on me!

You're right about the 10 hour date. It was a lot, in a lovely way. But still a lot.

I genuinely find it interesting how difficult some people find it to just…chill. Wait and see.

OP, don’t chase him up, don’t make any decisions, don’t do anything. Wait and see what he comes back with, if he comes back with anything.

Someone who is a bit flaky and gets put off by suggesting meeting (and can't even give a polite excuse) probably isn't someone the OP should take seriously emotionally.

If he's been messaging her a lot suggesting a meet isn't like randomly turning up to his parents house in a wedding dress!

If the suggestion was a show I wonder if he's just a fun sociable guy who likes doing stuff with attractive women.

He likes the idea of seeing the show, taking a date is a good way to give himself the experience.

In general I think the guys who've been properly keen on "me" and serious about me in particular are up for meeting even if it is a bit rushed or not a perfect night out.

@BlankettedRugs I am actually suspecting this.

And the reason is, I thought he'd up for a meet up even if it wasn't some big fancy event. Originally, we were going to go for a simple coffee and walk. Then instead he suggested that show. Now he's suggested another show. He's not from here, so I also think this is his way of seeing the city (I'm a native).

I got my heart broken last year. Properly. So I'm gun shy now, while wanting to enjoy the connections. But not ignore red flags.

While we were together, he did seem genuinely interested in knowing me. He asked me more questions than any guy I've dated for sure. But...what you said here resonated. So the question is, do I go to that next show anyway? Bear in mind he also didn't try to kiss me or escalate on that first date beyond a quick hand hold/stroke and a shoulder rub.

@BlankettedRugs I wonder if I should flat out ask what he's looking for - friendship or dates?

not to ruin the mystique but it would clarify.

I once dated a guy who always wanted to see me before our next planned date. I found it a bit annoying and intrusive, especially as it was still very early stages and I was just getting to know him. My instinct was right though; I ended up blocking him as he was just too much.
I’m not saying you’re like that, OP, not at all! But not everyone likes, or can manage, impromptu dates.

Throwing in an extra random interim date has sort of thrown it off ?

I'm generally not like that. As I say, I got the impression he thought maybe my life was too busy to fit him in. I could tell from the things he was saying.

So that's why I suggested this tomorrow when I'm free. Seems like this is a bigger deal than I realised, I didn't mean to put him off.

Maybe he’s the type who just likes the thrill of the chase then gets bored. I would definitely err it not message him again. If he doesn’t message you then all will be clear.

Yes, and I know I need to be careful here as I'm still a bit fragile after my break up last year. This is making me think I'm not ready for all that again.

Can I ask - do people think I should clarify with him whether he's looking for friendship or dating?

If he asks me to the show that is. I don't want to be too much but if @BlankettedRugs is right, I could very well become his handy companion - ie. not what I want at all!

I don't think she does. Just confused about the dating game and where the chess pieces go..... Not nice to call someone you don't know a stalker and obsessed.

No. Just don’t do anything!

I don't mean just now.

I mean, if and when he sets up the next 'date'. The thing is, after 10 hours on the first date, I really wanted to kiss him. But felt I created opportunities that weren't acted on. I don't want to embarrass myself later on.

Definitely don’t message him again. I’d see if he gets in touch about to arrange going to the show at the weekend.

don’t beat yourself up if he doesn’t get in touch - I doubt it was your suggestion of lunch. If he was as interested as he came across on your date it would take more than that to put him off. Especially if he’s the one that’s been overly keen before now

is it normal for him to leave it this long between texts? If not, that’s maybe another indication that he’s not as interested as the impression he gave

@blythet response time really varies. He's never left me hanging more than 2 days though, so this is longest ever.

He replied within the hour when I asked if he was free this Friday and messaged several times (so last heard Tuesday). We tend to ping pong back and forth or wait a day or two.

Well who knows! Maybe he had his fill on that 10 hour date, while I was hoping it could be a promising start. I will see if he sets up this show anyway.

“If he wanted to, he would”. It really is that simple when it comes to dating OP. A man that wants you makes it very clear.

I mean this kindly but the dating world is brutal, and you need thick skin. A 10 hour first date is far too long, it creates a false sense of intimacy.

Please don’t text him again, he knows you’re interested and he knows exactly what he’s doing. No man is too busy to text and arrange a date, no response is a response.

it annoys me too because I was a bit interested before but not majorly. Hence he kept pursuing me for the date. Then after the date, I enjoyed his company so much, now I'm the one that's keen!

I won't message again.

Maybe he just didn’t get the message.

Good! Every time you’re tempted come back here and read the comments.

If he texts and arranges the date, great. If not, you’ve dodged a bullet but at least you won’t have lost your dignity by texting him to follow up.

Remember your worth!

I think you’re right not to message. Sometimes people go off the boil after a good date. They might act all excited on the date or straight after but for some reason they can change their mind after all. I have done it myself.

With kindness, OP, it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to jump back into the dating world - suggesting an interim date this early on is quite full-on, and the fact you thought he was “special” after a first date makes me think you might be projecting quite a bit (we’ve all done it). Also, if he said yes to lunch then didn’t bother replying, he’s a flakey fucker. It sounds like you’re understandably very anxious about dating after last year, so better to take some time out and focus on your self esteem - you’ll attract FAR better guys that way too!

Yes there's definitely a few guys who give a good date, but dating mainly to do activities with people their own age (hobby groups can be full of older people and weird people).

Or build more attractive contacts on social media... If you've got a good Instagram network maybe he wants access?

It's hard to build a support network of attractive established mainstream people in a new city, dating is a way to fast-forward it.

I went on a first date with an eligible guy new to town, he was so polite, attentivs, paid etc. We went for a walk but no physicality.

He messaged a lot, suggested tennis for our next meet, he cancelled due to work.

I message suggesting seeing a play, and he said he wasn't interested. Then no suggestions (maybe he'd have been interested if I'd invited him to a party haha).

If he was really into you, you'd be his social priority. Not in a stalker way but he'd be interested in sealing the deal quickly (not sex, but you'd be priority over other social stuff).

If he's into you he'll know after a 10 hour date and having messaged/known of you for a month. He'll want the chance to speak his mind and impress you.

He won't need time to make up his mind. If another guy swoops in he'll be upset.

I think if I was you I would message just as I wouldn't want to be hanging around all weekend seeing if he came back about the show? I'd want to clarify and know my schedule.

But also not messaging and just waiting it out is an option.

If he's into you he won't be put off by whatever you ask. If you haven't messaged him in two days you're hardly overwhelming him!

It sounds like your intuition is saying he's drifted after initially pursuing you.

I wouldn't want to be on his list of "social networking options" if I wasn't after friendship. Or if friendship was fine with me I wouldn't prioritise him over dates.

OP things take time to develop, you sound in a rush to make your plans and deal with any issues. Leave a bit of time. See if he contacts you, see how you feel about him after a few more interactions.

Unfortunately many men are like this. They pursue and pursue until they get you. Then they back off. Thrill of the chase and all that.
If first date was intense that was your warning sign.

Sorry.