AIBU to refuse moving house if it means changing school catchment?

[Holly11111]

So we’re considering moving house. We are waiting to find out about a promotion at my husbands work which we need to know about for budget etc.
We currently live in a v desirable area with v good schools. We had originally got plans to do work on our house but the promotion is large and would mean we could afford to move.
the problem is, I want to stay in thr catchment for our sedondary which is full. My husband is happy to look slightly further (about 10-15 mins) but this would mean we’d be in a new catchment and there’s no chance of placing requests at current school.

I really dont see the calue in moving 10 mins and the upheaval of school and leaving friends. My husband is adamant that he wants more space outside and can only get this by moving further out.

We have had a lot of heated arguments about this and he feels I’m not listening to what he wants at all as he grew up in the countryside.. and thinks the change of school for secondary isn’t a big deal and I’m over thinking it.

Do others think this move would be worth the change and upheaval when they are in a good school with lovely friends and I enjoy where we live. My husband is v angry that I won’t compromise, but u actually can’t think of one moving catchment is really the only thing he wants me to change but I feel quite strongly about that. Would appreciate experience and words of wisdom.

Demands that his wants be met, and fuck his wife and kids and their needs. What a dick.

This. Exactly this.

He is the one being selfish. When you have children they have to come first.i would refuse to move out of catchment too
In this situation the time to move is when all the children have got into the school .
Tell him you will be able to move to a house with more land but he has to wait

And what about the OP and their children always resenting their husband and father for needlessly uprooting them? I would never forgive my husband if he did this to my children. But he would never out his own needs over those if his family

Is part of the reason that he isn't as happy where you are is that he hasn't made friends and connections? If so, this doesn't bode particularly well and he won't appreciate what you are giving up. Driving everywhere only seems normal until you have the life you do, OP, and it sounds like I live in a similar place to you and I would never go back to suburbs or rural, I love knowing a good chunk of my community.

Also, there is very little violence at my DCs high school, it's a really nice happy vibe and when my DD was pushed once, they were on it like a ton of bricks, don't believe everything you read.

Can he try and get an allotment? Can he articulate what he wants a little better rather than foot stamping so you can see if there's a middle ground. If it's only 10-15 mins to the countryside, can he start doing more outdoorsy things like mountain biking with your DCs at weekends and maybe that'll get him his "fix?"

Why have everything g happening at the same time? Stay in the current house, get child into desired school and then when husband is embedded in his new job look at moving house.

Personally I would renovate the current house before moving as you will generally get less for a house needing work than a house that is refurbished.

I think you both have valid points, and a compromise is definitely needed here, but it’s also important to recognise that compromise can’t mean one person being railroaded into a life they don’t want. Wanting to stay in the catchment isn’t being “unresilient” — it’s wanting stability for your children, who already have a strong network, good friends, and a school you’re happy with.

Your husband’s desire for more space and a countryside feel is understandable too, but that doesn’t automatically outweigh the upheaval of changing schools, losing friendships, and leaving a community you’re settled in. Both needs matter. The solution has to be something you both can live with, not just one person giving in.

I’d want to know if he is committing to doing all the school runs and any extra curricular stuff for the DC and is he going to be happy to drive Everytime you want a drink.

Absolutely crazy to want to move out of a good school catchment areas. Most people move IN to these catchments as they are prioritising their children’s future. Your husband is being selfish. Surely he can wait a few years.

So he'll drive to work every day then come home and play lord of his country estate evenings and weekends, disregarding the inconvenience to you of all the weekdays, everything being further away, your friends and social life being further away, no decent shops or facilities nearby, having to drive everywhere etc etc. DON'T DO IT!! If he insists on moving, find a bigger house with bigger grounds in the catchment.

I speak from experience, one of my closest friends moved to a rural area with her husband (he was brought up on a farm) and she got severely depressed by the isolation. Subsequently his health has deteriorated, and she has had to oversee the move back to civilisation, plus now has the millstone of a lovely house they can't sell because the COVID trend of going rural is over.

YANBU. Your DH is being a selfish wally. He wants to make a decision which will negatively affect everyone except for him. I assume he is happy to take on the school runs, take the kids to their clubs/friend's houses, and pick them up, as well as maybe taking you to see your friends and picking you up should you want to drink, or at least pay for taxis. If you can even get them where he wants to live.

This would be a ridiculous thing to do at this time of your lives. Maybe take stock when the kids are in their school, but I wouldn't want to live rurally when I'm used to walking to where I need to be, and especially with teenagers.

He has plenty of time to live in a bigger house with a bigger garden, but now is not that time.

If he keeps on at you, and belittling you and putting his selfish wants over his kids' needs, I think you might want to reconsider your marriage.

Do not give in on this OP. Your DH is being a selfish cunt. And I speak as someone who moved across the country six times when my children were school age in order to facilitate my DH's job. This entailed six school changes for our children and each move was calamitous for our kids and for me. Neither the kids nor I ever managed to form a proper friend network before we were on the move again and, since we always lived a large distance away from our families too, there was little support that they could give.

DH never really appreciated what these moves cost us financially, physically or emotionally as long as he was happy because he really had no idea about the stress the upheaval involved for everyone else. When the children were in their second secondary school my he wanted another job related move, but I finally put my foot down. We had ended up in the relatively posh suburb of an industrial town and were close to all amenities, the kids's school and excellent public transport links. Furthermore, both kids were entering the important exam years and my career had also finally started to take off and there was no way that I was going to sacrifice it.

Like your husband, mine wanted to live somewhere more rural and we did move to the country after both kids had finished uni and left home.

Tell your cunty husband that he wouldn't actually be spending much time in his new kickass house and garden because he would be too busy ferrying your kids around every evening and weekend for the whole of their teen years. Or alternatively, he won't be able to fund such a move anyway when you divorce him and he has to maintain two separate households. Remind him that there are four people in your family and that it isn't reasonable to make a move that only benefits one of them. Take no notice at all when he tries to shout you down and remind him that you are primarily considering the needs of your children as all good parents should. Absolutely do not give in to him if you feel it would make your and your childrens' lives more difficult. No where is it written that men - especially cunty ones - should always get their own selfish way! Good luck!

OP, my 4 children are all just through excellent schooling, youngest now hitting university.

As a parent we made sacrifices to privately educate them.
We spent a large inheritance on it.

They were happy and contented throughout their entire schooling, were encouraged and supported in a great environment, loving their circle of friends that lived in the general area.

It is absolutely priceless to have happy contented children in a school they like, living near a great circle of friends.
Particularly as they hit the teenage years when their friends become so important to them and influential.

Absolutely priceless.

Talk to any parent with a child that is less than happy and they will tell you that it hugely negatively impacts the family.

I made the decision that we would spend this money on them.
My husband supported my decision.
Neither of us have regretted it.

Your husband is neither a good man, husband or father.
He is happy to risk his childrens happiness on his.
He is 100% putting his needs ahead of you and his children.
Good men do not do this.

I couldn't love my husband if I thought he was prepared to play chance with our childrens happiness.

Don't entertain him, not for a minute.
Do your math and tell him crack on alone.

I think you need to make it clear now that you have thought about it, you all agreed to live where you do now for good reason. And you have considered what he wants now, but you've weighed it against what you want, too. And what is best fo the children you brought into the world. And frankly, you have no interest in moving. That wasn't what you agreed when you bought your house. In fact, you had plans to renovate it and improve it. So no, you don't want to uproot your lives and add a considerable commute just so he can live in the middle of nowhere while you and the children are miserable. And you will be miserable if you do this by the sound of it.

I suspect the marriage may be done, and moving will make that harder for you, not easier. I'd stay where you are.

Who the actual fuck does he think he is? Does he know women got the right to vote a while ago? Gets angry when you defy him does he? He would not know what had hit him if he tried that shit with me. I have no tolerance, patience or temperament for abusive, entitled men.

As has been noted, the marriage is over, it will serve him better to strand you somewhere, obviously. It won't serve you or the kids at all. Don't move.

"My husband is v angry that I won’t compromise..."

"I had to keep reminding him that there are four of us and he kept saying that I wouldn’t find a compromise."

What would a compromise look like?

How could you compromise? Or is the word you are looking for 'capitulate'.

Yes, the word your DH is looking for is capitulate.
I don't imagine he's particularly suggesting compromises either.

In your shoes OP I wouldn't agree - unless he has always made clear that he wanted to move turally and this was part of the agreement of buying your house ages ago. Given your updates that he hated all the driving when you lived there before. It sounds like you agreed to live where you do now mutually, it works for your family, he has an idea that works (in his head) for him and no one else and is now throwing his toys out the pram because you're not going along with something that's not in your best interests.

I don't think it's just about catchment either, there just doesn't seem any benefit if you're settled at the moment - you'd be putting up with a load of inconvenience for the benefit of a bit of extra space which you can get in your current house anyway.

Also I think late primary and teens is the worst stage to move rurally. The kids will be doing hobbies and wanting to see friends. Long car trips multiple times a day, or your kids missing out, are both sit options