AIBU to refuse moving house if it means changing school catchment?

[Holly11111]

So we’re considering moving house. We are waiting to find out about a promotion at my husbands work which we need to know about for budget etc.
We currently live in a v desirable area with v good schools. We had originally got plans to do work on our house but the promotion is large and would mean we could afford to move.
the problem is, I want to stay in thr catchment for our sedondary which is full. My husband is happy to look slightly further (about 10-15 mins) but this would mean we’d be in a new catchment and there’s no chance of placing requests at current school.

I really dont see the calue in moving 10 mins and the upheaval of school and leaving friends. My husband is adamant that he wants more space outside and can only get this by moving further out.

We have had a lot of heated arguments about this and he feels I’m not listening to what he wants at all as he grew up in the countryside.. and thinks the change of school for secondary isn’t a big deal and I’m over thinking it.

Do others think this move would be worth the change and upheaval when they are in a good school with lovely friends and I enjoy where we live. My husband is v angry that I won’t compromise, but u actually can’t think of one moving catchment is really the only thing he wants me to change but I feel quite strongly about that. Would appreciate experience and words of wisdom.

Right I am not going full on LTB but one of my usual questions. Is this a deal breaker? I mean do you see any way that there is a compromise or is this line in the sand time?

Im I right in thinking this is Edinburgh? If so I wouldn't bet on school catchment being the same even in 2 year's tbh. Especially as alot of the good schools are overwhelmed just now.

What counts as a good school? Academic results? Behaviour management? Wider range of specialist subjects? Good emotional support? ASN support? Positive destinations after school? Size of school? Resources? Demographics of who attends?

I'm in Scotland and the schools near me are totally different. One is very academic with great exam results. But my friend who works there says it is 90% tutoring impact. If you aren't academic or have ASN its horrendous.

The other school is far less academic but amazing for vocational subjects, sports, outdoor education, really much better balance and more friendly. Thankfully this is our catchment school because the other one absolutely wouldnt suit my children.

When did he move from the rural area?

Is he looking at it from when he was a child?

It is very different living rurally as an adults- many of my friends who moved away for uni move back and regret it/move again quickly.

Its a different lifestyle, even if only 10 minutes away.

Does he realise how much time a large plot takes to maintain (or costs if you buy in labour?)

I always dislike it when a man uproots his family and moves them somewhere rural. It almost always ends up being that the woman and children become isolated.

Additionally I wouldn't trust any man who belittles the benefits of having friends and community links within walking distance. It almost sounds like he is sneering at your and dc needs . Be very wary @Holly11111

I definitely wouldn't be moving.

These are the difficult dilemmas that make up marriage. I was in a similar situation to you except the move was over 2 hours away. Initially I ruled it out because of schools. However the topic came back a year later and my husband had found a good school in the new area.
Evebtually I reasoned that my husband was unhappy where we currently lived (though I was happy) and that would not make for happy family life long term. The headteacher at my children’s school told me they’d do well anywhere - “it’s the child, not the school” she said. It also made a big amount of financial sense since we paid off most of our mortgage.
I have to say that if you are relying on his promotion to pay for the new place is there a chance you may be overstretching yourselves? What if he’s made redundant? I wouldn’t want to be reliant on one person’s salary to make the mortgage in this day and age when companies can get rid of you at the drop of a hat and the job market is terrible.
Good luck OP - can you get the kids into school then move?

To add, he seems to be wanting to recreate his idyllic rural childhood for his children. whereas the children have a great life here already. He is being unreasonable and very self centrred here for no discernible benefit to your family.

Are you sure he doesn't just want to isolate you from your support network? His language towards you calling you 'lacking in resilience' etc and the fact that he can't have a calm discussion is worrying for me.

I don’t think you should appease him, tbh.
He seems to think the whole family should revolve around his need for a big garden?! I don’t think you and your children should have to sacrifice your friends and social lives for his fantasy house.
He has his reasons and you have yours, but according to him yours are “silly”?!

It might seem “too big” for you, but your DH is feeling ignored and dismissed, like his feelings don’t matter. And it is not 3:1, it’s 1:1, your kids aren’t in the position to give an informed view- looking back to my childhood one of my biggest regret is the fuss i and my brother made when our parents told us they wanted us to move about 200 miles to be near my dads work.

We were so upset they didn’t do it, but looking back my parents would have been so less stressed and happier, we would have seen so much more of my dad (he died when I was in my 20s so this means something) and we would have adapted.

You are being selfish, if it means so much to your DH why can’t you give it a go?

I posted before reading your update. You’re in a fortunate position. Hope it works out for you all

Adding to my previous post - I wouldn’t underestimate how hard it is for kids to adjust. People always say kids are adaptable - mine weren’t. The problem is that every time something goes wrong at school or with friends they look back to where they first lived with rose tinted spectacles. If you don’t uproot kids they never have this additional aspect when they’re unhappy.

When you have teenagers, living somewhere that they can get out and about independently is absolutely priceless. No way would I want to be living somewhere rural with teenagers.

How much more is he going to be earning?

Having teens it’s so much easier to be somewhere where they can walk and get transport themselves. I would never move from that!

OT but I often read on here that in Scotland everyone goes to their local school, and the disparity between a good and a bad school is much less. All schools are pretty good and there is not the obsession with getting into certain schools as there is in England. Is this true?

So the travel/commute was an issue to him before you moved, it will be hell when you have teens if you move.

Is he offering to do all the running around, drive when you go to BBQs etc?

It’s broadly true but literally a street away can be the difference of going to the 12th best school in the country and the 295th

Not really the catchment areas are fixed but in Edinburgh (at least) but there's a lot of people who desperately want to live in certain areas for the catchment but they are not necessarily better schools with better teachers - just more middle class area with parents that will pay tutors to make up any issues with teaching

But I don't think the op is being unreasonable not to want to move from an area she's settled.

Moving secondary schools, particularly if they are a couple of years in is a big thing- this happened to me I rolled with it, but it could have been disasterous.

How would moving affect your commute @Holly11111 ? Rejecting moving more rurally based on catchment for a secondary school for a 6 year old is imo madness. Moving before eldest goes into primary 7 gives her time to make new friends before going to an equally decent secondary school.
Not moving because it would add additional commuting to your job is a more reasonable position.

I completely agree with this. No way would I be moving in your circumstances.

I agree with this too. Your needs (friends nearby) are totally valid. The children’s needs are valid. His wants are valid too, but outvoted.

Moreover, he hasn’t got the promotion yet. And he should probably do the new job for a year to find out whether he can hack it.

And yes, there is something very unattractive about a man trying to separate his wife from her friends for no good reason. Reliving his rural childhood is not a good reason.

I’m sorry but that poster and your DH are so wrong!! There is no “them or him”. He is a grown man and can wait a few years. Your children are not able to fight for what is best for them so they need you to do it for them. Your DH should be prioritising THEM and not his desire to live in the countryside.

I would never agree to this move in these circumstances. The kids’ schooling for me would take priority.

So upset 3 people, OP and her children -
her DD at a crucial time of secondary school and being able to stay with her friends - vs 1 (and wants to move mainly because he doesn’t want so many neighbours not because of a job or commute etc)? And OP is selfish. Rightttt 🤔