AIBU to refuse moving house if it means changing school catchment?

[Holly11111]

So we’re considering moving house. We are waiting to find out about a promotion at my husbands work which we need to know about for budget etc.
We currently live in a v desirable area with v good schools. We had originally got plans to do work on our house but the promotion is large and would mean we could afford to move.
the problem is, I want to stay in thr catchment for our sedondary which is full. My husband is happy to look slightly further (about 10-15 mins) but this would mean we’d be in a new catchment and there’s no chance of placing requests at current school.

I really dont see the calue in moving 10 mins and the upheaval of school and leaving friends. My husband is adamant that he wants more space outside and can only get this by moving further out.

We have had a lot of heated arguments about this and he feels I’m not listening to what he wants at all as he grew up in the countryside.. and thinks the change of school for secondary isn’t a big deal and I’m over thinking it.

Do others think this move would be worth the change and upheaval when they are in a good school with lovely friends and I enjoy where we live. My husband is v angry that I won’t compromise, but u actually can’t think of one moving catchment is really the only thing he wants me to change but I feel quite strongly about that. Would appreciate experience and words of wisdom.

umm "can't see the value" does sound a bit like you can't see the value to him?

Has he actually seen a house he likes?

Will he be around to taxi the kids everywhere?

They are good, just not as good. I like where we live now, and so do the kids. We can walk and have great transport links but where he wants to move this would not be possible. There’s a chance that we kids would also not be able to walk to their friends when older.

I like the friends they have and thr friends I have I this area. I like where we live but he disregards this and the fact I like walking and having friends nearby as he says it’s normal to have to drive places etc. I have said I understand his wants and that we should wait and see what comes up.

im just not sure that the house would be so significantly better than the one we’re in after work to warrant that change. But he would like slightly more rural.

Having kids in a ‘desirable’ Scottish school I’d advise there’s no such thing as ‘desirable’ these days. Violence is rife throughout our school. It’s terrifying. I went to a rough N Lanarkshire school and this so called desirable school is so much worse. The reason our school has good results is MC parents getting in tutors.

If it’s such a big promotion an education matters and you live in Scotland I’d look at private.

I mean when I look at the change etc that would take place for the kids that the extra bit of house wouldn’t be significantly more to feel worth it.
I understand he likes the idea of it and I understand why he wants it. I just think the day to day and reality of it is very different to his rose tinted version. When he lived there he had lots of support as a child and we wouldn’t have any help at all.

I’d invest the additional income and move in 5 years.

so why would you not do the due diligence and at least look at what you might get? you are talking about "after work" but work won't give you what your husband wants which, if I have understood you, is a more rural surrounding and a bigger garden?

Before this promotion was floated, we had plans to do the work on our house. And I almost wish this hadn’t happened as we would just be progressing with this instead of potentially looking to move; which was mainly driven by my husband.

Your husband is crazy mad. His move can wait a few years for his move. I'd also say that he may change his mind when he realises teenagers actually require a taxi service which will be a total pain from some rural idyll !

Have you sat down with him and worked through these issues? Its what you feel is worth it and while I understand that feelings are feelings, it seems that they feel more worth it to him? It does sound to me that the school is a bit of a blind?

I have. The actual houses aren’t significantly better, but there are more houses with larger plots etc. I’ll continue to look but the change for the kids when they’re in a very good school with very good friends, near my friends who help us a lot, seems like it’s a lot to give up. And I’m worried they won’t thrive in the same way and then I’ll be resentful too.

Is he going to be ferrying the kids about from your rural home, or will he be too busy with his fancy job?

If you're banking on the new promotion to afford the house I suggest you wait a while first. What if dh hates it, the new job goes wrong or he's made redundant? I'd spend at least a year or two saving first.

Then start looking, by the time you find somewhere you love your second child will probably be close to secondary age.

Yes, you’re right. He does think it’s worth it and I don’t. But he grew up closer to there so has a draw to it. I don’t..
He finds it very hard to stay calm when we disagree and he starts suggesting I’m ridiculous and unreasonable and have no resilience because I disagree with his perspective and worry about the school and leaving an area I like. He was dismissive when I said I liked being able to walk to my friends etc but I love that and we do play dates and bbqs and wine nights etc. But he thinks they’re silly reasons..

I work in a school and I know how difficult a transition can be for kids. But he thinks it’s not a big deal if everyone is starting secondary. It’s just my kids wouldn’t know anyone, and everyone else would!

But he is prioritising himself over the rest of his family..?

Yes I had to keep reminding him that there are four of us and he kept saying that I wouldn’t find a compromise. But I’m struggling to find one because there is a literal red line set by catchment.. I said we could move in a few years but he said that I wouldn’t actually do it. So not sure what I can say to appease him except to accept his choice.

You're saying the school catchment is a red line but this suggests something else

I like the friends they have and thr friends I have I this area. I like where we live but he disregards this and the fact I like walking and having friends nearby as he says it’s normal to have to drive places etc. I have said I understand his wants and that we should wait and see what comes up.

To be honest, the school catchment sounds like a red herring here. Fundamentally you gave friends and a lifestyle (walking places, friends nearby, transport options) that you like and don't want to change. Completely valid. I wonder if you're relying on the school catchment as some sort of red line because you think that'll get through to him but it's not and he won't listen to what your actual issues with moving are?

umm so is it a moving problem or a relationship problem?

Very possibly. High quality state schools are like gold dust and add thousands to house prices in the catchment area.

Op says they aren't

Yes, I think it’s both. I don’t want my kids to have the upheaval of change because they love their friends etc and the school is great and near to everything. So I personally dont see the benefits of making them change, which o know they’d be anxious about.

But I do like where we live, and I don’t want to drive everywhere. But bc we live in my status quo currently, I think he feels like he’ll be stuck like this and he wants more rural. But I feel like the disruption of the status quo for extra garden/fewer neighbours is too big an ask atm.

Ignoring the major fact that he's belittling you for wanting the walkable and sociable lifestyle that you have, who would be maintaining this bigger garden that he thinks is more important?

Both I think. He feels like we moved here more for me but at the time he definitely was keen for less commuting etc. But he always looks to become the victim of the situation and that he deserves to be taken into account this time. But this is definitely rose tinted as we did live rurally before and he agreed it was too much driving, and this was pre kids!

I did try to say I understood, and I do, but I just feel like he wants all 3 of us to change something we like and a place we love living so that he can have more space. And he’s definitely just reliving childhood..

No, they’re not. They are actually good schools too. It’s just that transition etc would be hard, especially for the eldest as she is already excited about moving with her friends to the big school.

How old are the kids?