AIBU to refuse moving house if it means changing school catchment?

[Holly11111]

So we’re considering moving house. We are waiting to find out about a promotion at my husbands work which we need to know about for budget etc.
We currently live in a v desirable area with v good schools. We had originally got plans to do work on our house but the promotion is large and would mean we could afford to move.
the problem is, I want to stay in thr catchment for our sedondary which is full. My husband is happy to look slightly further (about 10-15 mins) but this would mean we’d be in a new catchment and there’s no chance of placing requests at current school.

I really dont see the calue in moving 10 mins and the upheaval of school and leaving friends. My husband is adamant that he wants more space outside and can only get this by moving further out.

We have had a lot of heated arguments about this and he feels I’m not listening to what he wants at all as he grew up in the countryside.. and thinks the change of school for secondary isn’t a big deal and I’m over thinking it.

Do others think this move would be worth the change and upheaval when they are in a good school with lovely friends and I enjoy where we live. My husband is v angry that I won’t compromise, but u actually can’t think of one moving catchment is really the only thing he wants me to change but I feel quite strongly about that. Would appreciate experience and words of wisdom.

It’s my understanding that the potential move isn’t linked to the new job though. It’s just that the new job means more money - bigger house.

When I met my ex wife I moved from inner city to rural.

Having to drive everywhere was a complete PITA

Someone I knew moved to the country when their kids were late primary school age and his comment was 'they will never move back after university'

Why would the children need to change school now if the new house would be 10 mins away?

OP, no way would I be moving happy children for a selfish angry father.
I actually think I would rather end my marriage.
He doesn't sound nice.
Your children are happy and settled.
You like the area, school, friends and 3 out of 4 are happy.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Moving to be driving?
Don't do it.
Start doing the math, can you stay in the house?
Any man prepared to uproot the family so selfishly is not one I would risk a move for.

If it’s ED…..is it moving from Bearsden to somewhere like killearn / Balfron?

im from near killearn and like your husband had a lot of support growing up. My gran ferried us about everywhere as mum and dad both worked from the age we started school. Prior to that mum had to stay home with us as there were no other options for childcare locally.

the fact that a car was needed for everything was very isolating and frustrating growing up. I’d say I was very aware of it from around age 10.

I couldn’t wait to leave and did so as soon as I could.

i do see the appeal of rural living, but it needs to be a full lifestyle change or it just won’t work.

as you say, the house needs to be bigger and better enough to justify it. You need a support network around you (ie for things like transport - trains only to as far as Milngavie so people are always picking each other up from the station after a night out etc). Do you work? I’ve always thought you really need one stay at home parent if living rurally with kids.

i think he would need to really look at the logistics of it without his rose tinted specs.

Yes, he said as much tbh. But I also don’t want to make a change that doesn’t go well and resent him.
I like where we live but he wants me to prioritise where he wants to live more than the catchment and area that we’re in. But he is definitely upset about it all and thinks I am not thinking of him.

So he thinks only of himself and doesn’t care about you or the children. Forcing you all to sacrifice for him and give in to his demands is the hill he’s willing to die on.

I’m really not sure where you go from there. Absolutely do not move, but expect this to be the end of your marriage. He is beyond selfish and he seems to be showing contempt for you as well. Has he always become angry/irate when you don’t think the same way as he does or don’t agree with him?

And she will resent him for forcing the issue ...

And the DCs may well resent him for moving just when the oldest is about to plan moving up with their friends to high school ... and having to start over elsewhere socially.

I would say you'd be happy to discuss moving like he wants after both DCs are safely in their preferred, top catchment school where you are now ...

@Holly11111 are you east ren and wanting to move further out? I wouldn’t! Put your foot down

The kids are 6 and 10 so not at high school. In fact the perfect time to move for the older so they can start at a high school in the same boat as everyone else. Maybe read all the relevant posts.

Moving to the country with teenagers is crazy !! You will regret it . I cannot imagine how much busier I would be if my five did not have access to public transport . Your kids would hate it. Stay where you are !

You said the other school is good too so you’re just avoiding the move incase your DC don’t get into the school because they won’t be with primary friends or something? I don’t know if it works the same where you are but here kids go to different secondaries scattered across the town/city rather than every single child from a primary class going to same secondary. In other words, if it’s the same as this they won’t necessarily be with all friends anyway. Plus everyone makes new friendship groups at secondary anyway.

I don't see the value either - bigger mortgage, more driving and lots of disruption and change for the DC.

I would bet that in his mind, his wish for 'space outside' has entirely demolished any ability he might have had to think about all the practicalities. You also mentioned 'walking to friends', which you enjoy. Obviously you wouldn't be able to do that, and there will be a hundred other things which will affect you and the kids, but probably not him.
I'm saying this because I've seen it so often. Bloke wants a bigger status symbol house in the countryside, and to hell with any other considerations. Five years later, everyone's miserable, and he doesn't know why.

It’s not about changing school now it’s when the kids go to high school.

where they are just now the high school is better but the catchment high school in the new area isn’t as good so if they move now they won’t get into the better one when it’s time for high school

Or to the one all their friends will be attending

catchment area

He hasn’t even got the promotion yet. Park it for now, you’ve both said your piece.
IMO if he gets it, you should move in 5 years - use the money do improve the house you’ve got then sell up and move once they’re in school.

I love that he's approaching this as you and him arguing over what you both want. Presumably the kids are both of yours. Yet he's arguing for something he wants for HIMSELF and you're arguing for something in the best interests of your children.

The kids should be a joint priority. And then you both compromise your own wants from the middle ground of that.

He wants his wants to be the most important, the kids to be compromised and you to not even be considered.

As I said upthread I think this goes deeper than moving....definitely deeper than school choice. We moved several times for my late husbands job and every single time we were able to discuss it and come to a joint decision...the same with every big decision in our marriage. Yes sometimes it was an uncomfortable process but no one slung insults around and there was always a compromise to be found. I think that the problem the OP has posted about is not the problem here.

Her children won't be in the same boat as everyone else at a secondary school in a new area as most of those children would already have friends from primary

Yes true.
But either way the situation painted here does not come across as a marriage with much more longevity.

yup, this

Couples do break up over moving (Google Boris and Jessica on Couples Therapy). I have to say I would be on your side of the argument and having to drive my kids everywhere as teens would send me bonkers, but that isn’t really relevant having read all your posts. It doesn’t sound like you are a loving couple who are trying to find a compromise. The thing is if you do break up you may have to move out of catchment anyway. He might be able to live on a shed in a big plot quite happily in that situation, but you wouldn’t get what you want for you and the kids.

So I guess trying to put some questions in order:

1. Do you want to stay together, and if so:
2. What would make his plan work better for you?
3. What would make your plan work better for him?
4. Does one or more of those “improved offers” feel ok to both of you? And if not - is one of you ultimately more willing to accept not getting what you want to keep the family together without it storing up resentment that makes you all miserable?

OP mentioned changing school which is why I asked.

There are four people.
One of them just gets angry and won't have a reasonable discussion and wants his own desires to take priority over the needs and best interests of the other THREE people, two of whom are children.
Don't express it as you being "worried" about the other school. Or fretting or whatever.

That's not it. It's that he is being entirely selfish. And he is the one not understanding how you feel, not the other way around, not to mention not prioritizing his childrens' education and independence.