AIBU to feel hurt my husband will not let me join padel?

[Treebaubles]

ok, I’m willing to accept I abu, if I am.
I have a disability, it slightly affects my day to day life but I don’t linger on it and am able to manage 90% of things. My DH started to play Padel and has said I’d really enjoy it, he’s gone with mates. He’s raved about it, telling me and the kids we should go. (You need 4 to play like doubles tennis).He’s won 4/22 games so he’s not amazing. He finally asked me and the kids to go and I did really enjoy it, it’s one type of game I can actually do. We had a lot of fun. So I’ve been asking to join him since but he said no because I’ll bring his rating down and none of his friends will play non-competitive (which won’t affect his ratings). I know his friends, I also know that he’d allow new players to join his games, as he has done so. His excuses range from it’s “a man thing” (competitive-ness) to “he’s protecting me” (they’d aim balls at me) to “you’ve only played 45mins” (he had also only played 45 mins at one point yet everyone let him play). “ It’s a male-female thing”, (the game is mixed sex and low level).
I may not be amazing to start, I probably would affect his rankings to start but that has never stopped him being partnered to newbies before. I mean, he’s won 4/22 games. He thinks I am being totally unreasonable to be hurt but am I? Do Padel standings really count that much? He’s now very angry and is not talking to me.

My DH plays in London and he often comes up against women, pairs made up of parent and child or siblings, range of ages. I’m surprised how varied it is

I'm baffled. He said you'd enjoy it. He said you should try it. You did and he was right, you loved it. Now he doesn't want you to go. The reasons he gave have not arisen since he encouraged you to try it so why the fuck does he want to stop you going. I wonder if maybe you played much better than he did the first time he went and he is worried that it won't take you long to outplay him. Men have behaved irrationally for stupider reasons.

Just see if you can put your name down to play with other beginners. If you can get that sorted, keep at it at least long enough to whoop his arse on the court.

There must be a list on the wall there that you can add your name to. My husband plays golf. His golf club had a spreadsheet according to handicap ( golf handicap not disability) that you could sign up to. You picked someone with a similar level to you and added your name, then turned up at the chosen time to play. Perhaps he's worried you'll end up being better than him .

It is a bit weird that he was raving about it to you but now doesn't want you to join.

In your situation I would just look for another group of people to play with. It's really popular at the moment so there must be lots of people in your area wanting to play.

Do you have a local FB group you could post on looking for people, or just contact the centre where they do it and see if they have anything you can join?

You can still play, just get involved via a different route. I wouldn't want my husband encroaching on the things I enjoy doing without him (but I also wouldn't invite him along!).

He wants to keep his version of his hobby for himself, this is reasonable.
You’re free to play on your own terms, he’s not stopping you from playing, he just doesn’t want to add you to his team.

He told you you'd love it and you did. Your assumption was he was saying 'you'll love doing this with me and I'll love having you there', but he's been clear that wasn't what he meant.

Anyway, you did enjoy it and you're on your way to finding groups/other people you can continue to enjoy it with. And I don't understand how the ranking thing works but I'm sure you'll soon overtake him!

I wouldn’t want my DH gate crashing a hobby with my friends

It's good he found a hobby he enjoys. But it sounds like he realised he made a mistake telling you and encouraging you to play as you now want to join him and his friends. But he wants to keep this a separate thing.

It isn't wrong to have your own separate hobbies but he shouldn't have been heavy on the encouragement if he knows you have no one to play with and won't play with you and the kids either. However, if he is happy to play with you and the kids I don't see why you have such a need to join him and his friends.

Reach out to people you know or groups to see if there are others that might be interested in joining you.

Good for you. But what I don't understand is do you HAVE to go as his partner? He must have started as a singleton surely? Can't you just go along and pair up with someone else when you get there?

I think he's right to keep something for himself. You can still play - join a club or take some lessons and build your own padel group.

I have this with DP. Every time I do something new he says 'I'll come' like he's doing me a favour by offering me company. I should put my foot down and carve out some time to do my own thing without him.

Would he not play an extra game a week with you and DS, keep it separate from his games with his friends?

I'd say that he's embarrassed that he's quite crap at it and doesn't want you to see him getting thrashed (or worse, beat him).

Hope you enjoy going without him!

Surely there's a beginners group you can join?

In the time it took you to type that, you could have googled. What a pointless post.

This sounds sensible.

Him getting really angry over it is not on, though. What’s he usually like?

Me and my DH starting playing padel a few years ago and at the time hardly anyone was playing (not like now) and we only had 2 other couples to play against. Both couples went on holiday at the same time so then we had no-one to play. We decided to throw ourselves into the socials on offer at the club and we also joined separate male and female mix-ins. I'm so glad we did, we now have a huge group of similar level people we can ask to play so get games 2 or 3 times per week. I would definitely just go for the socials and let him get on with his own game if you're enjoying it and want to play more.

most padel places have singles courts too for 2 players. they are the same length just narrower. why not let him have his hobby game then book a singles court for the 2 of you on top of that. we do this, have a family game at the weekend and just me and the husband on a weeknight - fitness has improved enormously thanks to the singles court.

I play padel (as does my partner) but he is way better than me as he's played tennis for most of his life. When I started out, I took lessons and found groups at my local padel club with a combination of levels, as it's good to play with someone who can actually play at first so you learn off them. I would recommend lessons in a group, then seeing if you can arrange to play with the group levels.

After 18 months my partner will now play with me, but there is a lot of eye rolling as he will always be better than me, but I am improving, and he does give me tips. I would however rather play with other people who are less critical!! As he points out, it isn't much fun for him at his level to play with a beginner, as he wants a good game. I can see his point!

He probably just wants to have something that is only his, have fun with the boys away from the family to escape for a moment. Imagine you had a weekly coffee catch up with your girlfriends and he kept inviting himself over because he likes coffee. Let him have it

Can you not just go on a different night to him so you won’t be participating at the same time?

Whatever the issue giving you the silent treatment is never ok.
If you enjoy it find other people to play with.
He is being a dick about it.
He should be happy you've found a sport you can do with your medical issue.

@Treebaubles FWIW my DS generally recommends NOT playing with your spouse or partner, even if your standards are similar, unless both parties are really, really keen to do so as it can often end in tears...

He's a professional padel (and tennis) coach and works out of a big London club.

Does sound like he gave you mixed messages about whether he wants you to be a part of it or not OP, which isn't really fair.

I think it's healthy for couples to have separate hobbies tbh. But as pp have said that doesn't stop you playing it separately to him OP.

He’s a nasty piece of work! Go to the padel on your own and play against other people and ignore your husband being there. You are probably better than he is and he doesn’t like that!