To be worried about my five year old on a day trip without me?

[esrlymorningdark]

Next week, ds was going to spend a few hours at a friends house because I’m at work. DH can WFH that day so in my mind, DS would spend a couple of hours playing with his friend in the morning, home maybe for or just after lunch, and then DH could put a film on or he would play himself here and then I’d probably be home around 330.

However, my friend has told me she plans on taking the boys on a day out which is a really lovely thought and I understand why. My worry is that it’s a good hour away and if ds is upset or missing us then there’s not anything we can really do. The other worry is that DS’s behaviour has been a bit tricky these past few weeks. He’s had a spate of ear infections and has barely got over one before the next and he is actually having grommets fitted in early October so hopefully not long to go. I am mindful though that he has been very argumentative and peevish lately and in all honesty his friend has a similar temperament and on occasion they can bring out the absolute worst in one another and I don’t want to inflict that on my friend!

So - AIBU? DH can take the day off so no issue there.

Well yes, of course children behave differently in different situations.

However you are the one saying your child's behaviour is "tricky" and "unpredicatable" which by the definition of the words means that he is behaving in ways that are different to the ways that he normally behaves. If he is always wound up by his friend on long car journeys and finds soft play brings out the worst in him, then that is actually "predicatable" behaviour?

If your son doesn't vocalise his pain and discomfort and he is quietly amusing himself while DH works (presumably in another room) then how is DH going to work this out?

Look, you are worried about this situation. That's clear. You are allowed to be worried. But I'm not sure the reasons you've come up with in here are the actual ones. It's totally fine for you to say you don't want him to go so far from home, or that he's been under the weather recently and you'd rather he had a quiet day at home. If you are just worried about the 2 boys winding each other up (i.e. behaving like 5 year olds) or misbehaving, then say that to the other parent and let her decide if she wants to deal with that or not.

@bananaobama who was the Jesus Christ at? Sorry?

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack yes this is it, I’m thinking of ds and also friend and her ds. It isn’t fair to sour their day.

@Moonnstarz i don’t think at the moment he can cope with a day out without a trusted adult, it’s that distinction. Not that my friend isn’t trustworthy. He just doesn’t know her well.

@redskyAtNigh no (and yes.) It’s the perfect storm sort of situation. He’s always volatile when his ears are bad and they have been terrible lately even by his standards. Certain children do sort of bring out certain behaviours and these two do get into that very hyped up state very easily. Combine those with no parent or teacher or grandparent and the fact it’s the end of the summer holidays so a long time with little to no structure and I am aware it could backfire a bit!

I don’t think any major disasters would happen by the way. But I can imagine sulks and squabbles, tears and emotions, I want mummy / daddy.

You do sound super worried about it so I think you should just keep him home. Sounds like your son is struggling with his behaviour and you have some work to do before you send him on play dates.

Honestly I think it’s far more likely he’ll act out in his friend’s house (kids almost always behave better when doing something new and interesting) so I can see why the other mum suggested an outing. I took piles of kids out all sorts of places at that age, it was often much easier than staying at home.

“I realise a lot of people think I’m anxious and as a rule I’m not but at the moment I am a bit guarded about him as he has been unpredictable lately and I don’t really want someone else to have to deal with that. It is also hard thinking of him in pain or discomfort (and he doesn’t tend to verbalise this) and not have a familiar adult.”………..then have a conversation with the other child’s parents and explain. If I were taking another child out for the day who wasn’t feeling well I’d be pretty annoyed if a situation developed because of it I hadn’t been pre-warned.
Communicate with people OP…….it isn’t rocket science!

Unless there is something I missed, surely you tell him in advance he’s going for an exciting day out with his friend. Talk about what they are doing and expectations around behaviour and let them get on with it. Speak positively and reassuringly. Thats what I would have done. We used to take extra children or ours would go with others to cover days in the holidays and thought nothing of it. It’s great for their independence.

I don’t think any major disasters would happen by the way. But I can imagine sulks and squabbles, tears and emotions, I want mummy / daddy.

But those sort of things could also happen if he stays at his friend's house. 🤷‍♀️ At least if they go out to soft play there are plenty of distractions to keep his mind off missing you.

As an aside, kids tend to automatically trust their friend’s parents and are nicer to them than their own! I would guess he’d be far more likely to act out if his own parents were there, that’s usually how it goes. My son’s friends all listen perfectly to me (and they are a pretty high energy bunch!) but I chat to their parents and know it’s not always like that at home.

I think you’re far more likely to ruin their day if you cancel last minute. Am guessing the mum is happy to supervise two boys entertaining each other, but taking one child to soft play is pretty boring for them.

Have the conversation with your friend.

Point out you’re thinking of her as much as DS and DH can take the day off - give her an out in a positive way that she knows she can take it with no ill will.

If she still decides to go ahead - buy her wine 😂

You need to build his confidence stop showing your anxiety and tell him how amazing it's going to be. Children are born with 2 fears falling and loud noises everything else is learned behaviour and at 5 you're his biggest influence

My communication must be pretty poor as I genuinely don’t know what you’re trying to say here, I’m really sorry. Is it that my posts don’t make sense? Sorry, I’m multi tasking.

I won’t be cancelling last minute, it isn’t until next Monday. And the money side of things is relevant as a day ticket to the place they are going to is £22 plus ice cream money etc. (I also don’t like the place at all but that’s by the by and I didn’t mention it in my OP as I’d swallow it for ds but I hate lining their pockets!)

Anyway; thanks for the responses

@fumingrightnow1 he isn’t scared and I am scared of him ruining a day out rather than the car crashing or anything. I know some people do think it’s anxiety and it isn’t, I do know my own DS though and I’ve had to leave a few places this summer due to problems arising.

This poster was quoting your post and it's followed by her reply.

Also you might not like the choice of venue but I suspect the other parent is not going for something you or she would like but something the children would enjoy.

THIS

Her reply was to communicate and it was this I didn’t understand. But I think I have enough answers now; will give it some thought this morning. I’m leaning towards giving him a day with his dad - apart from anything else it is cheaper

She meant communicate with other parent. As in tell her he has had ear infections, might get silly etc I thought it was pretty sensible advice given how much you're worrying about the day. I would communicate ASAP if you've decided to change plans because her son will likely be quite excited about a day out with a friend and sad that he's now not coming and the day out likely won't happen without him.

Also is it genuinely cheaper for your husband to miss a whole day of work than it is for you son to have a day out with a friend? That seems unlikely.

Is it cheaper if his dad actually needs to take a day off work?

It seems a shame to cancel a day with a friend. Especially if the other parent knows he might be a bit emotional, and is still happy to go ahead with the trip.

OP - god love you for asking for parenting advice on mumsnet 🤣

You know your kid. You know your friend.

If you think it's best that this time he doesn't go then that's what you should go with.

So my advice is trust your gut.
👍👍

If his behavior is really this bad and unpredictable perhaps you should both be staying home and working on that.

If he's got an active infection making him grumpy and poorly then keep him home.

If he hasn't, let him go. Yes there may be the odd meltdown or uncomfortable feeling but thats fine for him to experience and get through.

No wonder kids are so anxious these days with parenting like this. If hes healthy you honestly believe hes better off sitting on a sofa watching hours of TV alone rather than being out in the world experiencing all the things he needs to, with his friend and a trusted adult? 😬😬😬

Talk to your friend. Use your words.

Say "ds has been out of sorts recently with his ears, his behaviour has been a bit up and down. I'm not sure how he'll manage with a whole day away at xyz place. I would prefer if you didn't take him this time and just stayed somewhere quieter closer to home".

The other mum isn’t a friend - the kids are friends.

I wouldn’t appreciate a message like this honestly. Send your kid or say no thanks, easy enough. And work on the behaviour issues so he won’t have to miss out next time.

You know your own child. Go with your instincts. A whole day out with adults he doesn't know well is a lot at this age.

Use your words is really rather rude unless you’re talking to a three year old.

I am not ‘using my words’ on this occasion because I am using my head, my thoughts. And I agree with @PurpleThistle7 that the quoted post would be an extremely blunt and dictatorial to someone who ultimately is doing you a favour.

@Floppyearedlab his behaviour has become difficult in certain environments and situations because he’s half deaf and in a lot of pain. I don’t know if you know much about ear infections or perforation of the eardrum but I promise grommets are rarely put in now. They don’t do this unless it’s bad, and it is bad. He does have boundaries and consequences but equally I know some places are like a perfect storm for him at the moment and avoid them. Avoiding a place like this with someone he doesn’t know well isn’t the source of childhood anxiety that’s screens its exercising some common sense. I was wondering if I was being unreasonable but I don’t think I am as while there are a lot or helpful posts a lot are just personally insulting me, which isn’t helpful.

He's currently half deaf and in a lot of pain? Then yes of course you keep him home surely?

Your DH playing with himself while your 5yr old is around is a bit off😂