To be worried about my five year old on a day trip without me?

[esrlymorningdark]

Next week, ds was going to spend a few hours at a friends house because I’m at work. DH can WFH that day so in my mind, DS would spend a couple of hours playing with his friend in the morning, home maybe for or just after lunch, and then DH could put a film on or he would play himself here and then I’d probably be home around 330.

However, my friend has told me she plans on taking the boys on a day out which is a really lovely thought and I understand why. My worry is that it’s a good hour away and if ds is upset or missing us then there’s not anything we can really do. The other worry is that DS’s behaviour has been a bit tricky these past few weeks. He’s had a spate of ear infections and has barely got over one before the next and he is actually having grommets fitted in early October so hopefully not long to go. I am mindful though that he has been very argumentative and peevish lately and in all honesty his friend has a similar temperament and on occasion they can bring out the absolute worst in one another and I don’t want to inflict that on my friend!

So - AIBU? DH can take the day off so no issue there.

Unless there's more to it, let him go and have fun. 5 is not a baby. Surely he could manage (and love) a day out without you?

So many people are anxious parents these days

when did this start? Why has this happened?

kids are getting more and more anxious. It’s easy to see why

Agreed. I had to double check I wasn't misreading the OP's post.

A day out with a friend is probably easier than trying to keep them both entertained at home, and an hour isn't much time to travel at all.

He's your child and you can set any boundary that you want but it does sound like you're being a bit precious tbh. Do you have any genuine reason to suspect that this other mum can't cope with keeping your child safe and happy on a day out? Is there anything that makes the day out especially risky? Does DS want to go? If it's just that you're being a bit pernickity about a couple of ear infections and the kids possibly falling out then I'd put on my big girl pants and just let him go. Worst case scenario would be that it frazzled the friend's parent a bit and they think twice before offering such a thing again. Do what you think is right but if you raise your child to avoid every minor discomfort/risk then don't be surprised if that's the person they develop into....

You should pay for childcare then

I think you sound a bit overly anxious. Do you only have have 1 child?

I have a 5 yo and this wouldn’t bother me at all but I have other children at home so just have to be a bit more chilled/ not able to have this level of anxiety over smaller things

Sorry it was in reply to another posting saying you could tell them he’s not up to it, as a parent watching someone else’s child I’d worry that if they’re not up to a day trip they should really be at home and would possible rescind the offer of child care depending on how well knew the family etc

I agree with you OP. It sounds like he may not be ready for this. I’d explain to the friends mother about his behaviour and say you don’t feel comfortable about it for the reasons you’ve put on here. Make other arrangements for him for the morning.

He's only going to be an hour away. Why are you assuming she's incapable of looking after two children on a short day trip? It's not rocket science and if he misbehaves then she tells him off just like she would with her own child.

You are overthinking this! He will be fine. Send a bottle of calpol and lots of snacks. Let her know about the grommets and point out that if he gets cranky he might need calpol and a rest. I am sure she is more than capable of looking after 2 little boys. Totally normal for little kids to sometimes get a bit overwrought so it won't be anything new. He won't behave anywhere near as badly for another adult as he does for you anyway, that's just how kids are.

You’re being very precious and honestly quite rude about your friend by saying “not sure if she realises”. She has a 5 year old, she’ll be well aware of what 5 year olds together might be like. It’s up to her if she feels she can handle it.
Id say it’s actually a great opportunity for your child to learn to be resilient and not tied to you. He’s safe with somone he knows and his friend. Not a total stranger. It’s an hour, not a week. This is more about your feelings than his.

This is more about your feelings than his.

Sums it up.

I think it's fine if you say actually he has been a bit tricky recently and I don't want his behaviour to spoil the day and then turn down the invite. However this might mess up plans for her child as it they are an only child she might have felt taking them out somewhere together would give them each a play mate and better than when she takes her child alone.

You do seem a bit contradictory though. You are worried about his behaviour yet happy for him to sit from 1-3.30 at home unsupervised. Surely this would be worse e.g. DH assumes he is safe watching a film but actually he is quietly raiding cupboards or doing something else.

You need help with your anxiety.

Ultimately, you're the parents, so if you're not happy with it, then don't let him go. You have already said that DH can take the day off so you can keep DS at home instead.

Honestly, I would be a bit surprised if a 5yo couldn't cope with what you have described, and I find myself wondering if you are being overly anxious. I think that's something for you to ponder, as too much parental anxiety isn't good for children. However, you know your own dc better than anyone on MN and there may be undiagnosed SEN, current behavioural issues etc that none of us are aware of, and at the end of the day, you have to follow your own instincts about what's right for him.

You don't have to agree to anything that you don't feel he is yet ready for... just try to that that you're making the decision on the basis of what HE is ready for, and not on the basis of what you're ready for as parents.

Where are they going …. Presumably a fun place of some description. A play farm or child centric entertainment. If he’s currently well I would have no issues with him going. I’d let her know if she doesn’t already that he’s had an ear infection recently but I think you’re overthinking it. Children will behave far better for other adults than they will their own parents especially if they want to go to the place concerned with their buddy.

Yes the bit about him missing you and being upset really stood out to me.

He presumably spends 5 days a week at school. I genuinely don't know any 5 year olds who would be upset and miss their parents for such a short amount of time when they were having fun with a friend. I know many who would get upset at bedtime or if they'd been away for a few days and the novelty was wearing off for example but none who would be upset during a single fun day out with a friend.

So your DS's behaviour is so "tricky" that you worry about your friend taking him for the day, but you are absolutely sure he can amuse himself for a whole afternoon without disturbing DH (a higher than normal standard of behaviour for a 5 year old)?

I think you just don't want your child to go and are trying to come up with excuses to justify. Any 5 year old might kick off on a day trip. If you're a parent offering to look after one, then you know this. If you don't want him to go just tell the other parent and sort out alternative childcare.

@redskyAtNigh yes.

A day somewhere unfamiliar with a soft play (and soft play seems to be a massive trigger for him because of the acoustics I think) where he’s been in a car for a while with his friend winding him up and egging him on (and him winding his friend up and egging him on!) is very different to at home watching a bit of TV and playing with his toys. I am honestly not being awkward but I can’t see how those two facts don’t coexist.

I realise a lot of people think I’m anxious and as a rule I’m not but at the moment I am a bit guarded about him as he has been unpredictable lately and I don’t really want someone else to have to deal with that. It is also hard thinking of him in pain or discomfort (and he doesn’t tend to verbalise this) and not have a familiar adult.

Honestly, if his behaviour is that unpredictable at the moment and you're worried about his friend winding him up, it isn't really fair to ask the other mum to look after him in any case, as he is just as likely to behave badly in her home.

Just get your DH to take a day's leave and keep him at home.

Jesus Christ!

if playing with friends and soft play will cause him pain and discomfort it will best keep him home to watch tv whilst your husband tried to work

You seen determined to think it's going to be a shit show. Why would they wind each other up I've had DS and his friend in the car multiple times at that age and they just talk to each other, albeit sometimes loudly and if they get silly she just tells them to behave. To assume it will all go wrong is an odd approach. Are you often quite a pessimistic person?

If he is poorly then yanbu, but your posts read more that you are worried about him being too far away and his behaviour.

I think you need to see what happens. Most kids behave entirely differently for other people, so if he is testing you at home it is unlikely he will for friends mum.

My friend's son has PDA, PDD, ADHD and is a bloody nightmare for his poor parents. Smashes the house up when told no for something, regardless of the reasons. However, when his carers take him out or he comes out with me or other adults, he is angelic. Absolutely nothing to do with anything special about us. And purely about the fact that kids behave worst where they feel safest.

Maybe speak to the mum, explain he has been testing boundaries and you are concerned about him doing that whilst with them. See what she says.

Well it sounds like you don't think he can cope with a day out, so I think you would be best for DH to book the day off.

If you don’t want him to go then say no, simple.

My daughter is 7 and I actually don’t think I’d trust anyone except some family, school and 1 other family we know to take her out for the day.

I find the majority of people we know don’t supervise their kids very well.