Elderly mother and brother situation driving me potty

[Creamcracktoday]

I've just come back from a weekend at my mums. Love her dearly but I've come home knackered irritable and fed up! And work again tomorrow !

Mum is in her 80s, has been prescribed anti depressants recently as very anxious, she has decided against taking them as they caused low sodium levels. She now has reasonably severe health anxiety and generalised anxiety order. Not taking anything for this.

My brother moved back home a year ago when his marriage broke down and his wife stayed in family home.

I stay once a month for the weekend, stock the kitchen cupboards and spend a large part of the weekend cooking for them both.

Brother doesn't cook, mum doesn't seem.to ever expect him to, and worries endlessly about him. He seems fine.

I know I have to go once a month but at the moment I'm just not enjoying it.

Mum won't come to mine or stay in a hotel as anxious about travelling.

Not sure what my aibu is , I'm just fed up of the situation and a shit bank holiday weekend !

I think once a month is probably getting off lightly all things considered!

Why do you have to go once a month?
How far away is it? Could you bring mum to yours instead, so she's not travelling alone?

Well I can see why his wife got rid of him!

Why on earth are you enabling his uselessness?
He'll never learn to cook until he starts learning!

Stop wiping his ass for him FFS. He's a grown man.

By all means visit your Mum but stop cooking!

An hour or so by train away, no she won't travel either alone or with anyone.

True, if I didn't cook and buy food and stock up they would eat crackers or toast , fridge and cupboards usually pretty bare before I arrive and get a big shop in.

Between listening to my mum talking endlessly about her health woes ( anxiety, insomnia etc) and being housekeeper for the weekend I can't wait to get away again !

Got home and gone to bed!

Do love them both but find them hugely draining even for a few days

Do you not drive?

Unless you enjoy staying there then I don’t see why you’d need to stay an entire weekend.

What do they eat the rest of the time?
The meals you make obviously don’t last a month.

I’d be pissed off too.
He can obviously cook even if not very well, so there’s no excuse.

What happened before he moved in?

She’s either capable and doesn’t need you cooking for her or she’s not capable and needs someone helping her, which your brother does?

I don't drive no.

Most of the time he will eat crisps or sweets for dinner and she eats toast etc

She frets endlessly about his diet , but he's 50 so I think he makes his own choices

No simple answer I know!

I'd stop shopping and cooking for them. buy a simple cookbook (maybe one for students) and leave them to it.

visit to take your mum out to lunch or coffee, and tell brother you'll stay over if he cooks.

I agree with going for the day/one night. Take your Mum out lots and be a record on repeat that your DB is a fully functional adult who can take care of BOTH of them in return for free board and lodging. That your vagina does not make it your responsibility.

Can you organise delivery of something like Wiltshire Farm Foods for her weekly? My elderly neighbour has these and they are pretty decent and certainly better than toast! I would be having some strong words with your brother, you shouldn't have to be cook and housekeeper when you visit and he needs a good kick up the arse!

Do all antidepressants cause low sodium levels? Could you speak to her GP and ask them to prescribe something different for her anxiety?

https://www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com/?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=24070290174&gclid=CjwKCAjwzNTUBhAjEiwA7zcvWt9x5V8q2CNJrbct4NGIuRkVuEkFhmlJk4jHrXYP_m1uLZq282QnSBoClSwQAvD_BwE

What do you buy when you do a big shop? Is it items they can make a meal from? Or are they only eating proper meals after you've cooked for them? What was your mum doing for food before your brother moved in?

If she has anxiety, could it be dementia related? My mum's anxiety has increased quite a lot as she's got older and dementia is showing a little now too.

Cooking and stocking up for your elderly mother is one thing, but why on earth are you doing these things for your brother?
Were you doing the monthly visits before he moved in?
Is he working?
I agree with switching your visits up to be something else - can you travel up and go out for a pub lunch or National Trust type garden and afternoon tea? With just your mum or with both of them (he can accompany her there and you meet them there)?
And you can set up a weekly online shop of easy to prep food you know she will eat then hand this off to him to continue.
Or if he's really that incapable sort out meals on wheels for her and he can sort himself out (or not). What 50 year old man is genuinely incapable of shopping for and rustling up a couple of edible meals?

Buy ready meals instead.
I stopped cooking for my parents when I visit. I’ll make soup in the soup maker as long as all items purchased are pre chopped.
It was just getting me down.
go to the supermarket by all means but stop cooking. A weekend at your Mums once a month is a biggish commitment and chunk out of our weekends. Reduce the toll it’s taking on you.
Don’t cook for your brother. He’s capable of doing it himself.

Take your Mum out lots and be a record on repeat that your DB is a fully functional adult who can take care of BOTH of them in return for free board and lodging.

@Randommess Exactly, it makes me so annoyed when I hear of healthy middle-aged adults expecting their elderly parent(s) to take care of them.

@Creamcracktoday Could you have a chat with your brother about doing the food shopping, he could order online and have it delivered if he's short on time? And/or get some meal kits - we get them for two meals a week and the receipes are easy to follow, my teenager sometimes makes them.

As others have said, you and your Mum deserve quality time together, not you having to do all the housekeeping and cooking every visit because he can't be arsed to.

Is money an issue for either of them ? My 89 year old dad lives off marks and spencers ready meals which he orders himself and gets delivered. Or things like a pie and ready made mash are very easy to cook. Agree with others that your brother needs to step up. Does he have a demanding job or something?

Most of the time he will eat crisps or sweets for dinner and she eats toast etc

So nearly all the food you buy in "big shop" goes to waste, goes in the bin?
In that case, I'd seriously scale down the "big shop". #Can'tAbideFoodWaste

How well did she cope or eat before he moved in?
Just what do they eat for breakfast or lunch?

I kind of doubt OP is cooking and freezing breakfast & lunches.

Although you might disapprove of her diet, I suspect she ate just as "badly" before he moved in.

OP is fully entitled to prioritise protecting her own sanity if the visits get on her nerves too much. Since OP doesn't drive, sound to me like she must be getting groceries delivered. it is not clear that OP needs to be there to receive the delivery. Could shift more of the delivery to be frozen ready meals and then just catch up once a week over phone/ WhatsApp, then only go in person once every 3 months.

You can't be responsible for making sure they both eat. That responsibility needs to fall on them.

I don’t think one weekend a month is excessive for a parent in their 80s and no way would I expect her to travel to me.

I used to order Wiltshire Farm Foods deliveries for my mum.

An hour on the train isn’t that far. You could do a day trip fortnightly instead which might be easier for you to cope with.

She could try mirtazapine for anxiety as very unlikely to cause low sodium and should help with insomnia.

I CANNOT believe you have to travel to go and make them food. Your useless brother is on the spot and cannot get a grip. Helping your mum is one thing, but enabling another able bodied adult who is 50??? Hell no. He is unbelievably taking the piss.

I’d get a takeaway or just eat while you are there. Less stressful overall. I care for an elderly parent also, about the same frequency of visits, Sometimes more, sometimes less. At first I would go and prep meals/clean etc until it almost broke me - I had young child, worked full time and my own home (fixer upper) to clean. I now do online deliveries. Ask for a list/ make one up from what you know. You can set up a repeat order or buy the same list easily with a click and save favourites. The big supermarkets do healthy range ready meals and oven bakes. I use the red/green/orange labels on most food to determine how good or bad they are and only go with green/some orange. If the meal has a red on it I don’t get it and most show this online. Also some of the calorie controlled or g.l.p-1 friendly options are decent. Add in some items for basic food prep and I throw in some vitamin pills etc and hope I’m doing okay for them. When I visit we mainly get a nice takeaway or meal out somewhere. Though I have done easy slow cooker (cooked at their house) stuff a few times.

I would mainly focus your efforts on your mum, your brother is old enough to himself out and there is no excuse as to why he isn’t helping. But as that’s unlikely to change so I would focus as much on her. I suppose the fear is he will eat all what you get for her. I alternate going for the weekend and staying a night or two with staying for the day. Either has its +/- but in your case I’d try day trips only with meals out or takeaway in. Don’t pay for your brother!

only go in person once every 3 months

To her mum in her 80s who only lives an hour away? That’s harsh.

That your vagina does not make it your responsibility

I wouldn't be mentioning my vagina to my mother or my brother.

But then I don't expect that was a serious suggestion.

can you travel up and go out for a pub lunch or National Trust type garden and afternoon tea?

Not easy to get to if you're 80 years old and don't have a car plus anxiety travelling.

I don’t think one weekend a month is excessive for a parent in their 80s and no way would I expect her to travel to me.
I used to order Wiltshire Farm Foods deliveries for my mum.
An hour on the train isn’t that far.

Exactly what I did for my Mum. Only the train trip was 3 hours.