Elderly mother and brother situation driving me potty

[Creamcracktoday]

I've just come back from a weekend at my mums. Love her dearly but I've come home knackered irritable and fed up! And work again tomorrow !

Mum is in her 80s, has been prescribed anti depressants recently as very anxious, she has decided against taking them as they caused low sodium levels. She now has reasonably severe health anxiety and generalised anxiety order. Not taking anything for this.

My brother moved back home a year ago when his marriage broke down and his wife stayed in family home.

I stay once a month for the weekend, stock the kitchen cupboards and spend a large part of the weekend cooking for them both.

Brother doesn't cook, mum doesn't seem.to ever expect him to, and worries endlessly about him. He seems fine.

I know I have to go once a month but at the moment I'm just not enjoying it.

Mum won't come to mine or stay in a hotel as anxious about travelling.

Not sure what my aibu is , I'm just fed up of the situation and a shit bank holiday weekend !

I think the cooking you’re putting on yourself because it’s a nice thing to do and you’re showing you love her good nutrition. You’re clearly (or maybe I mean hopefully) not batch cooking 30 full meals to feed your mum for the whole month between visits. Ask yourself if she actually needs this, especially given your brother is living there. But also be grateful that your brother is there. Though it’s not how most functioning mid life adults would want to live it’s presumably great for your mum to have the company. Just stock up on tins of soup, even mince in a tin etc and let them eat toast… at 80 it’s not going to kill her.

Have you tried teaching your brother to cook a few simple meals, or even how to reheat a ready meal in the microwave?

My cousin is in a similar situation but her B is a non working alcoholic.

I would read or listen to Mel Robbins Let Them. Save your breath you aren’t going to change either of them. Encourage your DM to sign up for Wiltshire meals or order in some ready meals. But don’t worry about it, older people naturally eat less and if it’s not optimal nutrition well so be it.

As an only DC of declining DPs who lived an hour away ( thankfully now in a care home near us) the benefit of your DB being there is companionship and as he’s actually in the house if your DM starts needing more support then he’s the obvious candidate to provide or organise that.

OP's b doesn't sound capble of looking after himself let alone his elderly mum. A lot of this has probably been because he's been mothered by his mum and his ex wife too much.

Oh and it’s fairly normal not to enjoy spending time with DPs once the visits turn into a massive to do list and you never quite know what you will find. I would mix it up a bit, do it in a day sometimes rather than making a whole weekend chore of it. If you cut back on the cooking you’ll still have ample time with your DM.

Sympathies OP. When my parents got frail well over half my time off work was spent travelling to address their various needs.

Honestly, a weekend a month kind of goes with the territory, and it is such hard work dealing with people with anxiety, whatever age they are.

Your DBro is obviously useless BUT he is there. You would probably cook for your Mum anyway, so just look on the cooking as taking care of your Mum.

Is doing a supermarket shop for ready meals beyond your brother’s capabilities? Would either of them give you access to their card on a supermarket account so that you could order a delivery each week? For your Mum?

Well your brother will have to learn. I’m sure he’s been working all these years and can manage to follow instructions.

I would look at somehow. Tactfully getting her will written . And also get a cleaner? Cook eg twice a week - maybe a story about a nice lady looking for a few hours work. I’m all for chucking money at things if you can.
i love my cleaner we get on great -it could be someone to chat to her. Get a hairdresser to call
do you have power of attorney?

I agree. Just stop. Stop being a martyr. Tell him he needs to cook for them both. Possibly contact your mum’s GP and ask them to check on her. Your brother needs to step up.
And maybe learn to drive and reboot your own life. You sound a bit passive. Good luck.

I understand your frustration and have been in a similar situation with my inlaws and their son who failed to be an adult.
Realistically, you can only change the bits you can control - so what is eaten while you're there and any arrangements for your mum's welfare that she wants you to do. What you can't control is your brother (no matter how useless he is), how your mum enables his behaviour or any decisions your mum makes about what she eats or does when you aren't there. I would suggest you offer her options when you visit such as a regular ready meal delivery for just her (not your brother!) and a review of her medication with her GP. If you don't have it anyway, getting POA will be a good plan - your mum still has capacity from what you've described.

Well there is a very simple answer! Don’t go or just go for a couple of hours.

it’s fallen to her as she has made a choice to let it. Just as her brother has made a choice not to. Who is the fool?

I know it’s not as easy as that but they are the facts.

Could useless DB drive your DM to yours on a Friday and then pick her up on a Sunday so you don't have to go to hers?

Staying in a hotel or Air bnb next time sounds like a great plan. At least you could leave at the end of the day and decompress before returning the next day.

The thing is, with an 80 year old and a 50 year old for that matter, there is practically nothing you can do to influence or change their behaviours. If they want to eat toast and sweets then let them. They will do what they want to do and positive change will only happen if they want to put in the effort. I think I'd need to come to terms with that.

Next month do our usual weekend but stay away from the house, do what you can to support your DM, take her out somewhere nice if she wants to go and then leave them to it.

Yes he did offer but Mum got anxious about it and we stopped suggesting

Good idea , I might suggest again

I think an obvious solution (to me) would be Wiltshire Farm Foods for both DM and DB as they are suitable for all age groups & it sounds as if both of them need to eat better diets!!

Are people really still doing that? Blaming the women in his life when a man is incompetent.

I’m would leave your brother to it and arrange for a meal service to come by 5 days a week to plate up a hot meal for your mum. Then you know she’s fed and your brother can eat toast or sort something else out for himself.

Agreed.

And when your mum passes away DO NOT become responsible for him in any way. He can eat crisps and toast.

Instead of a monthly big shop, could you order the shopping weekly and get it delivered? Food would be fresher and you could order ready meals, as someone else suggested.
When you visit, only go for the day and take your mum for lunch or an afternoon tea. Make it enjoyable for both of you, and it’ll give her something to talk about.
You shouldn’t be doing the housework as it sounds like they’re capable of doing everything between them. If not, maybe a cleaner fortnightly?

Suggest as your DM has health issues, she should apply for attendance allowance.
It is not means tested
Can spend on anything to make her life easier

Here is link

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

The easiest way to learn to cook

Youtube videos

Tiktok videos

Or
Buy ready prepared meals

Buy frozen meals

He is lazy

What will he eat when DM passes away ?

Magnesium is natural and really helps anxiety.

I'd let them starve. Because they won't. They'll work it out.