Elderly mother and brother situation driving me potty

[Creamcracktoday]

I've just come back from a weekend at my mums. Love her dearly but I've come home knackered irritable and fed up! And work again tomorrow !

Mum is in her 80s, has been prescribed anti depressants recently as very anxious, she has decided against taking them as they caused low sodium levels. She now has reasonably severe health anxiety and generalised anxiety order. Not taking anything for this.

My brother moved back home a year ago when his marriage broke down and his wife stayed in family home.

I stay once a month for the weekend, stock the kitchen cupboards and spend a large part of the weekend cooking for them both.

Brother doesn't cook, mum doesn't seem.to ever expect him to, and worries endlessly about him. He seems fine.

I know I have to go once a month but at the moment I'm just not enjoying it.

Mum won't come to mine or stay in a hotel as anxious about travelling.

Not sure what my aibu is , I'm just fed up of the situation and a shit bank holiday weekend !

What was your DMs diet like before DB came to stay ?

Sorry I think you are being taken advantage of. Does your DB actually pay any rent to his mother?

I would not visit monthly and I’d expect your mother to have made an arrangement with your brother for ad-hoc care and support if he lives there. He’s an adult and so is she, leave them to it. Travel less, do less and be less available - see how it goes.

Christ, I wouldn’t be doing any of that!

Just don’t do it OP - the end.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for OP to visit her elderly DM who lives an hour away once a month. It’s also not unusual to carry out some minor support activities for an elderly DP. The unreasonable part is becoming house skivvy and cook for two of them including able bodied DB and turning a day trip into a weekend long endurance test.

In future OP I would ignore comments about DB not feeding himself properly from your DM, or deflect them with “That Cook range is really good. Here’s a brochure.” or similar.

@whistlesandbells The drawback with not visiting regularly is that bluntly, they can go anytime in their 80's, time isn't on their side anymore. But the OP can change the dynamics of her visits, I think her idea of staying in an Airbnb and taking her Mum out more for meals is a good one.

And as @rookiemere says, it's not usual to provide some support to elderly parents, I do for my Dad (88), including online shopping as he's not tech-savvy.

Thanks yes I will stay nearby next time and take mum out

On balance it's good my brother is there as he provides company and support and a presence which she would really miss if he wasn't there, and I have to remember that.

Someone with severe anxiety is hard to be around as the conversations go round in a loop of worrying about everything and it's pretty exhausting

I'm going to take a step back and stop trying to fix things but still visit once a month and buy a big food shop for her , she has money but there is never much in. I can't afford to do a big shop more so it will have to be once a month sometimes more if weather is bad like when its very hot or later on if its snowy etc

Thanks for everyone's opinions and suggestions , have bought the book someone mentioned up thread and having it delivered. Did buy magnesium for mum a while back but she won't take it

I hadnt realised you were paying for the shop! If your mother is not short of money and your brother doesn’t pay any rent, that is ridiculous. I’d ask my mum for her card or the cash if she wanted me to get her shopping. And only shop for her to the extent that is possible not DB.

Yeah I didn't mean you should be paying for the shopping when I suggested setting a weekly online shop up!

Yes, you don't need to pay for all her shopping! I do buy some bits for my Dad but he reimburses me for food shopping.

Online shop and just take her out for nice trips and meals out every three weeks. No cleaning.

Why are you paying for the food shopping? My DM will give me her card or cash. That’s not right that you are paying for it.

Have a conversation with your brother. Point him to Mindful Chef or similar. Tell him he has to cook with you from now on or you won't cook. If they refuse to cook when you're not there: that's their choice. Leave them to it.

You're paying for the shopping? WTF?

That has to stop. Either your mum or your brother needs to give you the money for the shop, or their card details so you can order it online.

Is he working ? What does he do for money apart from leaching off his mother?

Get your mum on to those delivered ready meals so at least she is getting at least one decent meal a day. They an be microwaved so easy to prepare. I would be inclined to let him sort himself out. I would also try to get a cleaner in for an hour or soa couple of times a week so you know someone else has eyes on how she is.

Best advice ever. The challenge is that the op will feel guilty and that guilt feeling is horrible and gnaws away at you so you do anything to get rid of it. Sit with the feeling they tell you in therapy and it’s true. Just because you feel guilty or responsible doesn’t mean you are.

So if neither cooks when you've gone home what happens to all the food that you bought with YOUR money??? Do they just throw it away? Let it rot in the fridge until your next visit when you have to clean it out ???

What is your brother going to do when your Mum dies? Is he going to look to you to carry on buying his food and cooking it? Planning to live in your house to make it easier on you to be his skivvy?

No! I stock the freezer and batch cook etc
They don't waste it
Brother is domestically useless but not a bad person , he would be happy living on whatever he picks up on way home from a corner shop
Mum eats well when I'm there, but when I'm not will eat what I leave in freezer or just eat toast etc , she doesn't ever seem to have much in.
There would be a big shock if I turned up empty handed for a weekend so I don't think I can do that
I do love them both, just find them draining and honestly irritating !

Frankly your brother needs sorting out. He has the advantage of a free home with his elderly mother and doesn't even cook. He needs a boot up the rear end!

Yeah he does, but because of his past issues no one wants to upset him too much, and frankly I'm not sure I would eat anything he managed to cook!
I think the advice upthread Let them is a good one, and I'm going to try and do it

@Creamcracktoday i feel your pain. I see my mum once a week and take her shopping that comes to me first then I take it over

my brother moved back in with her, if I’m travelling for work or my mum is in hospital either for herself or my da (happens a lot recently) my brother can’t even be trusted to answer the door for the delivery as he’s tired and might be asleep

My mum has been in hospital visiting 8 hours a day for weeks she told me today how wonderful it was brother went out and got some bread and milk from corner shop (he has a car) sorry for rant

can you not pick her up and bring her to yours? I get that she might be anxious from your post or just do anything to separate what you do for her from your brother

You’re not unreasonable at all. You’re doing a lot for them, so it’s understandable to feel exhausted and resentful. I think some boundaries with your brother would be fair.

Can’t you organise an online shop or other food delivery for them with your mum’s money?