Elderly mother and brother situation driving me potty

[Creamcracktoday]

I've just come back from a weekend at my mums. Love her dearly but I've come home knackered irritable and fed up! And work again tomorrow !

Mum is in her 80s, has been prescribed anti depressants recently as very anxious, she has decided against taking them as they caused low sodium levels. She now has reasonably severe health anxiety and generalised anxiety order. Not taking anything for this.

My brother moved back home a year ago when his marriage broke down and his wife stayed in family home.

I stay once a month for the weekend, stock the kitchen cupboards and spend a large part of the weekend cooking for them both.

Brother doesn't cook, mum doesn't seem.to ever expect him to, and worries endlessly about him. He seems fine.

I know I have to go once a month but at the moment I'm just not enjoying it.

Mum won't come to mine or stay in a hotel as anxious about travelling.

Not sure what my aibu is , I'm just fed up of the situation and a shit bank holiday weekend !

Did I miss the part about the OP's mum being housebound? I thought the travel anxiety was around taking train to visit OP rather than a short taxi ride (accompanied by OP and/or OP's brother) or even a walk to local pub or restaurant.

I agree @HeddaGarbled. For most people, the onus shifts to the adult child visiting when their parents are in their 80's, and to be blunt, you can't leave it for months, because you don't know how much time you have left with them.

Of course, you hear about the occasional 85-year-old still travelling alot, but it's uncommon from what I've observed in my family and with friends' parents. I'm in my 50's so we're all dealing with elderly parents now!

That's why I'm seriously unimpressed with @Creamcracktoday's brother, this isn't how you treat your 80-plus mother.🙄

Did I miss the part about the OP's mum being housebound? I thought the travel anxiety was around taking train to visit OP rather than a short taxi ride (accompanied by OP and/or OP's brother) or even a walk to local pub or restaurant

Well we don't know, do we? We don't know how the generalised anxiety affects her. We don't know her mobility, whether she could walk to a local pub. Mine is 2 miles away. Not many people live within a taxi ride of a National Trust.
So many unknowns.

Yanbu.
Living for free with his mother no doubt and wont get some food in.
What a loser.
His wife must be thrilled to be rid of him.
I'd be buying nothing he likes and 2 months shop for your mother.
Ring her instead of visiting perhaps.

Prep food for your mother, tell your useless brother he can fend for himself. Better still, buy him a cookbook and tell him to start cooking for himself and his mother. He lives there, presumably rent free, he should be doing the lions share of caring for her.

The answer is to get to the bottom of what's bothering you about the situation.

Firstly, you do not need to cook. Buy some food - fine if that's what you want to do. Buy things that don't need cooking or only very simple cooking. You don't need to martyr yourself.

Secondly, can't you try to treat it like a break from your routine? So go for a walk, listen to an audio book etc? What are you actually doing with the time you are there? Put something in the weekend that you'll enjoy, even if only an hour.

Some thoughts:

• eating decent meals for a single weekend a month and eating toast (or crisps / sweets) the rest of the time is rotten for physical and mental health alike. If your DM is incapable of providing better quality food for herself on a regular basis (whether for physical or mental health reasons or both), it sounds like she needs way more support than she is getting now. Your coming over to cook for one weekend a month isn't achieving anything much surely? Does your DM need a Care Act Assessment at this point? And no, I'm no saying that providing more support should be up to you, but I'm curious about what you think your current visits are actually doing for you and for your DM.

• living with anxiety is horrible and most people would say yes to reducing it if it were as simple as waving a magic wand. However, it can also be incredibly 'functional' for many people. The process of worrying takes up a huge amount of thought and time and energy, which can fill up conversations and otherwise boring days. Worrying about another person's wellbeing in particular can feel to people like a way of caring deeply about a loved one who they cannot practically change or help - an exaggerated, all-consuming version of when we tell someone in distress that we are 'thinking of them'. Does your DM have enough interests and activities and friendships to make her life feel full or is worry the main thing she has to build her life around at the moment?

• would your DM consider psychological therapy for her anxiety as an alternative to medication? Anxiety tends to have understandsble causes and sometimes requires a personal plan of action built with a professional. I know several people in their 70s and 80s who have found some version of NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety helpful - it is never too late for someone to explore themselves and their life in this sort of way. And yes, NHS therapy options can be limited and frustrating too but private therapy might be an alternative if it's in reach for your DM.

No wonder your brother's marriage broke down if he was as useless when he was married as he is now.

Was your mum happier and less stressed before he moved in?

You shouldn't need to batch cook meals for your brother and and I agree with other posters who have suggested ordering meals to be delivered such as Wiltshire Farm Foods for your mum only. Your brother can sort himself out as he is a grown man in his 50s.

Is your Dmum npt able to afford much in the way of food? Because you can set her up with a repeat shop and then just get ready meals. My DP parents just had ready meals once they got to 80 plus. At least that way she can have a nutritious meal once a day and as long as she can use an oven or microwave, they are easy to do.
As PP said, a healthy meal once a month won't cut it. And I would say that you need to get her to the GP to try to get some other meds. There are alternatives that may have less side effects

but she Doesn't live alone??

imho, reasonable to only visit every 3m if visiting more often is undermining OP's own mental health.
OP MUST make important her own mental health.
I can't say if OP needs to visit only once every 3m, but because it was very stressful to visit more often, would be very valid reason to do so.
(Unless you're like my mother who declared that such behaviour would be selfish and co-dependency was a myth and people were just using my logic to be selfish, etc)

Apols if I missed it but... is there a statement from OP where she says the elderly mother would even allow her adult son to do stuff? In another situation where my older male relative lives with his mum, the mum loves feeling in control and won't permit the son to do much around the house. He would at least call an ambulance and keeps an eye on her, and those have huge have value.

He's living in her house & if she likes things done in a certain way, he's going to go along with it. He's not going to over-ride her wishes if she doesn't wish him to cook or clean etc.

Thanks everyone, it's really helpful to get other people's views and experiences

To answer a few questions

1. Mum has money so finances not an issue
2. My brother is pretty useless round the house , mum would let him cook or clean but he just doesn't, not a bad person at all, just hopeless. also has anxiety and mental health issues but is medicated
3. My mum won't take any medication at all for anxiety now after having low sodium on anti depressants and feeling very ill.

I'm thinking of staying in an air b and b next time I visit and take mum out for lunch and dinner and then go home after a night.

Certainly I am feeling alot better after a good night's sleep and being back at my own home!

If your brother is living there surely he would look after himself and your mum. Unless of course she enjoys looking after him. But it sounds like responsibility for food/cooking has somehow fallen to you even though you aren't there. I would set them up with a weekly supermarket delivery. Surely your brother can do an online order?

OP obviously it might not be right for you and I completely understand if not, but in your position I would try to persuade my mum to come live with me. Sounds like she can’t manage for herself alone and DB being there makes no difference to her level of support.

Treat yourself every time you go. It makes things less horrible. But not unhealthy food. A nice meal out maybe, or extra time to yourself.

I understand, I have one of those too, and elderly dad. But, really, what are useless brothers for, anyway?? They seem to plague the world everywhere. I know so many of them. The one thing is you can worry less than if your mom was by herself.

I would definitely order a big shop in op. As well as all the essentials you could order some ready meals. The special range in Tesco ...lasagne, chicken etc is quite good. If you order individual meals rather than for two, they can eat what they like so, if your mother says about a particular meal ...brother wouldn't eat that ...well he needn't but she can. They are freezable as well.
Also can order in fresh fruit/veg and all the heavy to carry stuff. It's a life saver.
My husband is ill so we also order the bags of fresh vegetables that can be microwaved. A quick way to get fresh veg.
A shop for a month is a killer to buy, load, take home put away. You could order fortnightly or weekly to cover fresh stuff. That would take a heavy weight off you. Doing that shop must take a lot of your time.
You could then maybe go there and back in the same day on the train, saving your other day for yourself. Have something you are doing the other day sometimes ...invent if you have to. It may be, if you are less available, your mother will come to you. If not, dropped Ng the big shop for deliveries would be a massive help to you.
💐

Could you get your mum set up with a regular online shop?

My grannies are/were in their 80s and 90s and do a regular online shop. I think for some of the supermarkets you can even set up them to auto-purchase the same items. Then they'd have some food in? Your broker could take charge of it once set up. Obviously you shouldn't have to set it up at all because he should be dealing with food as her lives there, but it might stop you from feeling like visiting is essential every month, and from feeling like you have to cook when you get there?

We used to visit my Dad with dementia once a month for the weekend (400 Mile round trip) and it's not just the time we were there. At least a week before it was getting anxious about what we would find when we got there. What state the house would be in and how much we would have to sort out over the two days. Doing a shop for him to take with us, batch cooking stuff for his freezer, etc. Then after the visit worry about how he was coping. we used to say it took us a week to stop feeling stressed after every visit, we would have a few days and then start getting worked up about the next visit. I think I would have coped better if we lived nearer. My brother who lived near him was brilliant with the day to day stuff but he worked full time plus overtime and had two small children at the time so I used to try and do as much as I could when we visited. It was a terrible time for everyone.

OP you need a serious talk with your brother about the way they both live and he needs to grow up and act like an adult.

Cant your brother shop online . You could set it up if he doesnt know what to buy and get some kind of menu going and then he learns to do it. He could go to a basic cookery class. Why not. Talk to him about it in a serious grown up way. Tell him it's important he learns. There's so much...."oh just cut them off " stuff on here.There is a middle way between doing everything and having no input at all.

Does your brother get shouty/abusive when asked why he is completely useless politely, why he isn't doing the cooking?

You need to arrange for carers if she isn't eating properly.. Assuming your brother can't be persuaded to cook. I would say to your mum , (as she will have to pay), that you're setting up someone to go in each day at say half 5 to cook her up a meal.

You may need to start ordering in lots of frozen ready meals which your brother takes in and puts in the freezer..I realise you haven't said she has dementia but it sounds as though she cannot look after herself properly so this is what I'd suggest..gOod luck..

I wonder if your mum is like mine was when my DB moved back in - she'd moan and complain about him 'not doing things' but wouldn't hear of him moving out, as she liked the company.

I agree with pps, can you set up a once-a-week online shop for food that only needs heating up - lots of ready meals and suchlike? Not great for health or anything but it sounds like a better option than toast or sweets. And you presumably can't just order for your mum - how do you stop your DB from just eating whatever is in the house?

Would getting a cleaner for her once a week help? Just someone to make sure the kitchen and bathroom don't become health hazards, and to lessen the work that you do when you are over?

So if, when you went round, you said 'right, brother, we're having xxx so why dont you cook this time?'
What would he say? What would happen?

OP could do this but what's the betting her b will eat some of it because her mum will encourage him so he doesn't go hungry?
I would be looking at care homes if she can't feed herself and is so anxious. It would also sort out the useless b. He needs another mug to ponce off.
Is the house owned or rented? He won't be in a rush to leave if he considers it his home and m might will it to her boy.
So many potential future problems.

No, but he would be quite uncomprehending

My mum and his ex wife both do everything for him, washing cooking etc , partly as he has had MH issues in the past I think

Yes you have hit the nail on the head, she moans constantly about his mess etc but I think she would be very lonely without him there , he does help with things like gardening , mending things and other stuff, he's just completely useless with domestic things