To not want any more people around me

[onabranch]

I am all people’d out, we are coming to the end of the 6 week holidays where I have had 3 kids with me 24/7 we have just got back from visiting family and Dh has been home this week and we are currently on our way home where older dc wants to come over as it’s bank holiday.
I feel like I want to cry, I just can’t handle any more people.
I know I can’t escape everyone at home but AIBU to say no to anyone else coming.
Everyone else wants to see them and I’m doing a family roast so they should be here, I haven’t said anything yet but they did text to say they would come over when we get back but my social battery is drained and I just can’t handle any more socialising.
Should I just be honest or suck it up so nobody feels left out.

It’s really mean to say that someone’s children are odd.

“There's no way I would ever exclude one child from a family event. Anyone else, sure, but your own child?! If you are drained then maybe get a takeaway instead of cooking a roast to make life easier. Or ask family members to help so it's not all on you. Tell your child they are welcome but it's going to be quite a chilled day because you're exhausted from the holiday. Don't exclude them.”

This with bells on.

I think it is unusual (probably a better choice of word than odd) for a parent to be with their teenage kids 24/7 during the entire school holiday. Younger kids maybe, but teenagers surely want to spend some time doing their own thing. Do you disagree?

It wasn't my intention to be mean, I was just surprised by that.

This is massively unreasonable, sorry. It sounds like you’re struggling but you can’t single out one child and say you will see the rest but not this one.

Incidentally this “peopled out” business is way way out of hand and become a get out of jail for deeply selfish and pathological behaviour. Since when did playing the ubiquitous introvert card become an excuse to ignore your child?

I am reading so much on here and elsewhere from people who seem to think they have an inalienable right to shut people out because they’re tired or stressed or they are an “introvert”. Sorry, but people function in communities, whether these are families, workplaces, towns. Its one thing to want peace and downtime but you can’t opt out of your family responsibilities because you are “peopled out”.

Do you mind me asking what that looked like? You are obviously hurt by her and that’s sad (possibly for both of you) I feel a little overwhelmed by my adults child’s need to see me / speak to me. I have some slightly different circumstances to your Mum most likely which do make me quite a busy / stressed out person. But I’m interested to hear how often you felt you needed to talk to her / see her / length of calls etc. I’m trying to make sure I don’t hurt my child but that I also make sure I protect my own need for some quiet time. For example, I get calls when I’m working out and wasn’t expecting them so I feel a little annoyed at having to stop what I’m doing just to chat nonsense for 30 minutes when I saw them a day or two before but then feel guilty about being annoyed. Please be honest.

I have a neuro diverse child that would insert themselves back into my body and be carried around if they could 😂 so I’m probably not the right person to answer. I just thought it was an unkind word to use and I’m glad you can see an alternative might have been better. Often on these posts the OP is slated and then more details come out and everyone says ‘oh you should have said that….’ But it’s hard to write a post, stay anonymous AND include enough detail for the post to be as true to life as possible in order to get honest opinions. I think typically teenagers want to be alone, however I’ve had 1 teenager (now adult) that really wanted all my time and attention and to spend all their time with me, it was overwhelming at the time. I do remember writing on a forum asking for advice about it and overwhelmingly I was told to get a grip and that people were glad they didn’t have a Mum like me and that it was lovely how much they wanted to spend time with me. So, unusual may be the right word but in my experience some do want to be around their parents all the time and as teenagers stay up late it can be a lot. I would have been upset had they been called odd.

Completely understand how this would be the final straw, but it’s the roast that would be abandoned and I would ask the eldest to bring the takeaway with them (I’d pay)

Great idea.

It's not "people coming over" it's your own child.
The poor kid, however old they are.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I made a flippant comment without thinking about how it could make others feel and you were right to challenge me on it. I'm sorry if I caused any offence.

Thats nice, I love people that can reflect. That sounds condescending but I don’t know how to make it not sound like that 🙈 x

This, are you a SAHP?

I hear what you are saying in this post, no man is an island etc and many people are brought up nowadays as if they are, and as a result have become too selfish, but equally isn’t it possible for a mother of three teen children plus an adult child to be overwhelmed sometimes and need some space? Especially after a busy family holiday visiting other relatives?

I am not sure either that asking your adult child to come to dinner on a different night of the week, because you are just back from holiday and tired, constitutes ignoring them does it? Op hasn’t even said she was doing that.

Unless I have somehow missed a page or two of this thread, we don’t know a lot about op’s circumstances so best not to rush in and judge.

Also I would just like to add as a general comment for posters who don’t yet have adult children, despite loving the very bones of them, and having deeply loving relationships with them, they can have a lot of energy and time on their hands, strong opinions about how to run the world and how we are doing it all wrong 😬 and some have rather a lot of gfs or bfs who sometimes can be annoying too but for whom you are expected to roll out the red carpet in case they are “the one” 😀. It can be tiring!

No mother is perfect either. Mothers are allowed to get tired.

This, it’s bloody exhausting parenting but with having the luxury of being present for the whole hols you are lucky, and agree poor eldest who’s not even welcome for a visit?

I'd be telling dh and all the DC that I need to take some time off. Id suggest they all either prepare and serve the roast or get a takeaway in. Leave them to it and take yourself off to your bedroom/bathroom. Eldest DC can pop in to see you but then you can tell him/her to rejoin the rest of the family. Your needs count.

This. You’ve articulated it very well and helped me because I struggle to understand why I find hours and hours with mine difficult. Lots of the women commenting won’t even have adult children which I hadn’t thought of. Adult children act like children in that they are happy for you to run around after them while they sit doing nothing ‘do you want to feed the baby?’ Not really, I’ve done it all my bloody life lol. Whilst simultaneously telling you that you are wrong about everything and a bit old and daft, telling you they’re skint whilst also telling you about the night out / holiday / expensive things they’re doing. Oh and the pets and OH’s that you may find slightly difficult but have to be diplomatic and enthusiastic about. It’s tiring. Not to mention when you visit them for a more considerate amount of time they’re looking at their watch and you’re lucky to get a hot drink 😂

It's your child! They 'overstay'? Good lord.

You can’t exclude your child but you can shut the door to everyone else & plan an escape to ground yourself as soon as you can.

I think you can’t say no to your own child, but say “it’s been a busy few weeks and we’re all knackered, so we’re going to do pizza and a film rather than a roast”.

Really hoping the older child is not a step-child.

Yes. I never visited a single relative for 5 hours!! It’s a ridiculous amount of time to be switched on unless it’s a staying over / getting on with other things situation.