To not want any more people around me

[onabranch]

I am all people’d out, we are coming to the end of the 6 week holidays where I have had 3 kids with me 24/7 we have just got back from visiting family and Dh has been home this week and we are currently on our way home where older dc wants to come over as it’s bank holiday.
I feel like I want to cry, I just can’t handle any more people.
I know I can’t escape everyone at home but AIBU to say no to anyone else coming.
Everyone else wants to see them and I’m doing a family roast so they should be here, I haven’t said anything yet but they did text to say they would come over when we get back but my social battery is drained and I just can’t handle any more socialising.
Should I just be honest or suck it up so nobody feels left out.

It’s ok to say
I’d love to see you oldest DC. I’m super tired after all the travel etc can you please help me by peeling potatoes/clearing up the roast as I really just need a big sit down.
Or don’t make a roast - it’s not the law.

Too socially drained to make conversation with your own child visiting? If you're doing a roast, what difference does one more child make?

I’d let my own DC come tbh but I do know what you mean about social battery.

Can you take a day’s or afternoon’s leave this week and just chill at home whilst the three DC are at school?

You sound like my mum! She doesn't like me calling her either! I have greatly reduced all contact (not that there was much in the first place). Feel sorry for your eldest x

If you can’t explain to your teenage and adult DC that you are knackered and not up for a full family roast dinner and can you reschedule for next weekend, something has gone wrong.
I’d certainly not want my mum struggling and tolerating me when she’d rather be in her bed with her book!

Eat out and say you'll be at x restaurant/pub for lunch and then leave to go home straight afterwards. This way you'll see your dc and eat lunch with minimal work and preparation required.

You need to build recharging proactively into your schedule. Make it as small as feasible if need be. A morning coffee ritual. An evening walk or bath. A weekly solo coffee date. A regular gym class. I find 2 or 3 hour slots each week keeps my sane without interrupting family life.

OP - do you work? Just wondering if you'll get time to yourself when they go back, or whether you work term time only or something?

Part of parenting is putting your children first. It's not OK to let your own social/emotional difficulties impact on your children. It's not OK at all to stop your eldest child from coming, but fine to hand over cooking to DH/cook an easier meal/eat out/get a takeaway.

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. I would feel the same if I didn’t have any time by myself for six weeks. And I understand that your older dc being here means the younger dc wiii be downstairs with them and it will be busier as a result.

I think you have to manage somehow today op and if it’s really too much, go upstairs to bed after lunch once everyone is settled claiming exhaustion or a headache. 💐

But for the future, I think it is really important to use this situation as a catalyst to do holidays differently from now - you are allowed a break too - and during ordinary “term time” build in time for yourself a couple of times a week that is just for you.

I made the same mistake when raising dc and and kept thinking a less busy period would arrive by itself but it didn’t and I came to realise that no one else was going to say “take time for yourself” you have to build it in to your weekly diary and make it happen and protect it ruthlessly. You don’t need any one else’s permission to do this. Your teens will be happier if you are happier. And they watch how we balance our life between work and pleasure.

I thought that your dc would be younger when you first posted. I get that four dc is a lot! Exhausting in fact. If they are teens though they don’t need you to be there physically as much. But I very much understand the emotional toll raising teens takes.

Can I ask is this just a holiday situation? Or do you need to adapt the way you parent to being a bit more hands off now they are older? Stepping back a bit? Letting them sort their own problems out more? Parenting alongside them rather than top down?

Is your dh stepping up enough? Are you getting enough support with housework and driving the teens around?

Can you re-think next year’s holidays? Can you take a week somewhere by yourself or with your husband in the middle of the holidays while your teens fend for themselves or go off to camps somewhere? It depends I guess on how old they are.

Take care op, I hope you feel less exhausted soon. Please try and protect well-being as parenting teens is a marathon ands it’s a surprisingly demanding period of life. 💐

You sound tired , i wonder if it's as women, mothers and partners. We still feel obligated to be the one that does everthing in the family . Cooking , cleaning , trying to keep the peace between siblings . Making sure everyone is happy etc. Can you delegate some of the work , dont worry about getting all your suitcases in straight away , pop your roast on . Say yes to your older child coming over, they can chat to you in the kitchen , whilst you both peel potatoes or something

It's so odd to me seeing things like "hosting" and "entertaining" your own children! My son who had left home will always be welcome anytime. I don't "entertain" him. We just have a nice chat together and if I was feeling that tired I would just get a takeaway
If this is how your going to treat one of your own children don't be surprised if eventually they won't want to see you because this is very hurtful whether you mean it to be or not

You don't have to host older kids though, they're just there.

6 weeks with teens home doesn't make any disruption to your life the way it does with young children. The only difference to the daily routine is that they don't have school or college. It doesn't stop you doing anything.

It’s your child - I’m afraid I’d never say no to one of my kids coming home. Even if I was on my knees.

Suck it up OP. Plan a week of ‘lying in a darkened room’ (as near as you can get to it, obviously) as possible next week.

Also - while this is all very much in your head - write yourself notes/ a letter on how to plan for next year’s summer holidays without losing your mind.
Eg can you book the kids into a club (or otherwise farm them out) for the last week of the summer holidays when you know you’ll be on your knees?

I sympathise though. My kids are grown/ flown and August bank holiday Monday gives me PTSD from all the years I was absolutely psychotic by this point!

I agree with this. Easy enough to get down time with teens, simply grab your book and go to the beach/park/pub/coffee shop and leave them behind. I suspect OP has some very extreme social dysfunction.

Agree with this - I think OP needs to speak to her GP as I have hardley seen my teens/uni age DC all summer. I have the opposite issue in that i feel lonely in my own home and like i am just a guesthouse keeper providing food, lifts and laundry services!

I'd tell oldest son he's welcome but that you're exhausted from the trip and probably won't see him until dinner; he can hang out with his dad and siblings. And make sure they know this, too so you can really get some peace, quiet, and privacy. And I'd go with your gut on the roast - make it if you want to and can still get the "down time" you need during the day but if not then put your husband in charge of dinner even if that just means takeaway/delivery and join them for dinner once you've had some time to decompress.

Thats a big presumption given the information Op has shared.

Maybe shes just tired?

I completely understand this. This is an adult offspring, so is 'visiting' so to speak

My parents, now they're elderly, really cant cope with people visit, my sibling and I have to 'book' ages in advance and keep asking about visiting, I dont mind at all, I know they struggle now, no expectations on them to do anything for us, its literally the pressure of having other people in the house and talking to us that they find diffiuclt these days

Its not exactly the same as your situation but it is today as you're knackered.

This is why women have such high expectations on them and why they have nervous breakdowns

If OP said no to her older adult child coming over this evening, its not going to 'impact' on them, they're not being neglected or abused.

And putting children first is quite subjective, I dont personally think it should be a blanket position, theres times when the parents needs have to come first.

Kids are back to school next week, so despite the tiredness, if I were you, I would try to power through until then.

Suck it up OP, that's your child. Get a takeaway if you don't fancy doing a roast.

Oldest is probably feeling a bit left out that the entire family has been on holiday while they've been stuck at work. Saying you're too tired from the family holiday to see the one family member you haven't spent any time with (while doing a roast for the family members you've just spent several weeks with) is horrible.

Why have your three teens been with you 24/7 for the last 6 weeks? Don't they have friends or hobbies? Odd.

There's no way I would ever exclude one child from a family event. Anyone else, sure, but your own child?! If you are drained then maybe get a takeaway instead of cooking a roast to make life easier. Or ask family members to help so it's not all on you. Tell your child they are welcome but it's going to be quite a chilled day because you're exhausted from the holiday. Don't exclude them.

Thank you. I always feel guilty saying things like this but for some reason it really is a marathon when they visit. They overstay (I know this is subjective but we’re talking 4-5 hours) and they don’t pitch in with anything or bring anything with them food wise. I’m not saying that they should but there is a pressure to make conversation and offer drinks and snacks / food especially as they usually stay through meal times even when not invited for that. It’s actually become a bit of a problem for me recently.