To think I won’t have this sort of relationship with DS as an adult? Those who have adult male DC….

[Dssss]

Are you close with him?

I have one DS and we are very close now (he’s 8). I am a single parent and he’s close with his dad but not like he is with me.

I often hear about women wanting a girl so they have a ‘best for friend’ as an adult and there’s that saying that a son is a son until he finds a wife.

As I don’t have other children I feel sad I might not have a close relationship with him when he’s older in the way I may have had with a daughter.

I think it’s a complete fallacy that a daughter will always be her mum’s best friend. I have an adult DS and an adult DD. DS is much more caring, friendly and interested in me and DH than DD is. We still have a good relationship with DD but she has made it very clear through her actions that her priorities are her BF and her social life. Even when I had major surgery some years ago, she showed little interest sadly. We still love her unconditionally but it’s hard not to feel closer to DS when he makes so much more effort than she does.

I know how you feel! My DD used to say that she would never leave me and we would always live close by if not actually together. She currently lives and works 4,500 miles from
me whereas DS deliberately lives 20 minutes away!

I have a DS in his thirties. We have never not been close. We both have a bit of a silly side that we wouldn’t necessarily show to other people, but we have a good laugh together. We’ve had the odd bicker but never fallen out.

My take on the “best friends” thing is that for me at least, my DC are the only people in the world I can be my true self with. So in that regard, yes they are my best friends. Equally they can be their true selves with me. For them, I’m the person they can come to for advice and they know I will always support them 100%. It doesn’t mean we don’t all have our own lives.

I think it’s sad to not be friends with your DC as adults. Sure when they’re kids/teens you need to be the parent, and I was. But as independent adults, what relationship do you have if you’re not friends?

My DD and DS are 24 and 23. I have just as close a relationship with my son as with my daughter. Not ultra-close, but good. In fact my relationship with DS is probably more relaxed and comfortable than with DD. My daughter shares more personal/emotional stuff with me, but equally I'm sure she also shares much more with her friends than DS does too.

We're not yet at the stage where they have their own families, so maybe things will change, but I don't think you should pre-judge. In fact, there is a danger that if you worry too much about "losing" him, you may drive him further away at some point.

And I definitely didn't have a "best friends" relationship with my own mother. We got on OK, she cared about me. But we were never very close as adults.

@Dssss , my sons are 36 and 32 now. One lives 10 minutes away the other an hour and a half. I would say we see them about a couple of times a month on average but we do have an active family WhatsApp group.
They are both very busy, we have 6 grandchildren; our sons definitely prioritise making time to see us though and we feel very close to them. If they have major decisions or worries they will usually seek our opinion.
Shortly we’re going to Euro Disney with the younger son and his family, we’re all twelve of us going to the Scottish highlands after Christmas for new year and next summer all twelve of us are travelling to Spain to see the eclipse and for a trip around Andalusia for two weeks. I’d say that was pretty close, we are blessed.
Right now you are the centre of your little boys world, make the most of every day; I can remember feeling like childhood would last forever. It doesn’t. Our job as parents is to bring up a child who doesn’t need us and is equipped to lead an independent life, one day we have to let them go. It’s hard.
The trick I think is to understand that your place as the most important person in your son’s life won’t last and one day someone will come along who assumes that position and that’s how it should be. Welcome that person, get to know them for themselves, treat them with respect. Locking horns with them and attempting to retain your place as top dog will only end in tears. For you. That is a battle you cannot win and you should not want to.
We are extremely fortunate that both of our daughters in law are lovely people, very different to each other but lovely and we get on very well with them. I know some parents of sons have dreadful problems with their daughters in law, this is the situation you want to avoid and you do have a fair degree of influence you can employ. If your son sees you are being unreasonable however be prepared to lose him.

I'm close with my adult son. I've never wanted a daughter. Most of my friends with dds don't have a particularly close relationship with them so there's no guarantee.
Take an interest in them throughout but as they get older, dont be too overbearing, wanting to know every little detail of their lives. The balance can be a bit tricky. Also welcome any partners even if you don't like them!
Sometimes its just personalities dictating whether you are close or not. Don't worry about it for now. Live in the moment and what will be, will be. Enjoy your ds while he is 8. That time will fly by.!

That saying is rubbish OP. I do think it sometimes depends on who they meet. We were closer to my inlaws than my own parents ... holidays together etc.

I miss them terribly, so do my DDs.

3 adult sons, they’re the best. We have evenings together, watch movies, binge watch tv shows, days out. Wouldn’t change them for the world.

I'm quite close to my adult DS, DDIL and GC but coser to DD because she's not married. Remember at the moment your DS is 8, wait until you go through the teenage years .....

My brother is much closer to my mum than I ever have been. We have a difficult relationship, she’s more similar in terms of personality and intellect to my brother and they live closer too. He also stayed at home till his early 20s whereas I left as soon as I could at 16.

Lots of reasons why but yes she’s closer to him than me. We never had the “best friend” sort of relationship some do with their mums. My best friend is male and he was exceptionally close to his dear mum till she sadly died.

My son is 23 and we are very close. I have a DD too and we are very close too. Their father passed away when they were small so it’s been me who did all the more typical dad duties, like taking my son to rugby twice a week for years and watching all his matches. Domestically though - hoo he is very high energy and three/four days is about our limit if we are visiting each other! But he texts every day. When he eventually gets married I’m sure things will change.

A partner who is too close to his mother can be a bit annoying

3 adults sons for me. We have a great relationship. I really enjoy their company.
I really hope things don't change when they get married etc and that is something that I do wonder about but I think we will all be fine.

X

Dd was close to me till she turned about 14 - things have been on the tense side since then - I’ve been told this changes again - I hope so. Ds is more social but more needy. So I don’t know if I’d say I’m closer to one or the other, the both have their moments good and bad.

Think it depends a lot on the man they become and possibly in the partner they meet. I’ve seen lads drop their families and become part on a new nuclear group much to my disappointment in them.

My best male friend is currently nursing his mum with Alzheimer’s as he’s an only one and he’s always loved his mum .

Me I am dreading they she’s not around. We’ve been away together my kids love her and she’s been a massive help to my wife.

Try not to worry and just enjoy now.

On these thread you always get the outliers posting up a storm. Statistics prove they are in the minority. We all know instinctively that this is true, but wishful thinking gets the better of us

It’s not really. I’ve just read a thread by a woman whose son is abroad and forgot her bday/ remembered but couldn’t be arsed to acknowledge it. There are countless threads of women complaining that their male OH’s leave them to sort their family bdays and Xmas presents etc bc they can’t be bothered. When the women say they’ve stopped doing it, countless say the men then don’t bother either and then they get hostility from the in-laws for not doing it themselves/ forcing the men to.

Of course there are exceptions, but generally speaking men will always prioritise whoever is ‘making their dick wet’ - to be brutally honest and crude. Whether it be gf/partner/wife over their mothers, or new partners over mothers of their children (and in a lot of cases their children). Sex is an incredibly important thing for most men so they will naturally prioritise who is giving it to them, and whoever is giving them anything else they might want or need, which is usually at the expense (effort wise) of other ppl who genuinely care about them and are close family members.

My mum has accepted my brother puts minimal effort into her presents. She has far higher expectations of me bc I make the effort so have set a higher bar. She’s not bothered as she says he’s just not good at it, which is utter bollocks. Whenever he had a gf or was in a long term relationship he would always make the effort to get them something decent they they’d actually like. Thought was put into it. And that’s the crux I guess. They know mothers will (usually) always love them no matter what so they don’t need to make the effort, compared to a relationship where the woman can decide they’re fed up and call it a day. It’s sad but mostly true, thankfully not in all cases but I think the majority.

I have two brothers aged 40 and 35 who have always been very close to my mam. They still see her everyday. My partner is also close with his mam.

I have two boys and dont worry about this at all as I know ill always have a wonderful relationship with them.

The dynamic changes but you can still be close

tbh I find it unhealthy where they say there kids are there best friend

Sadly it is largely based on their partner when they become an adult. If she doesn’t like you or wants to live closer to her own family, that usually takes precedence and can influence the amount of time adult sons spend with their families. The sons can go out of their way to visit, but this usually happens if they live close by. When kids are involved it’s even easier to dictate how often MIL’s are visited, depending on their relationship with the mother.

I have a 22 year old DS and we don't have a lot in common. It's often my difficult for me to make conversation with him beyond, how was work, what did you do last night. I'd sad because when he was younger we were great buddies and did lots of stuff together.
I do worry a bit about it. He does spend time with DH, they play football and chat about cars .
My DD is 19 and we do a lot of things together because we enjoy a lot of the same things.

It’s all nonsense. There’s many sons still close with their mothers and there’s daughters not close with theirs. It is down to the people not the sex of the child.

Adult DCs early 30s, one of each. Even though I see DD every day and DS lives overseas, in some ways, I'm closer to him than to her. Their personalities are very different. She's self-contained and private, he's very open and confides in me more. He's getting married soon and his relationship with future DIL hasn't had a negative impact on his relationship with me. If anything, it has brought us closer. Fiancée is open, warm and caring. I love and respect her, and we have a lovely relationship, which I value and nurture.

Do you think? 😂😂