Expectation as a young grandparent?

[CyanDog]

Looking for advice please.
I am in my thirties with two primary school age children. Work full time in demanding job with no significant spare time. My husband, who is 11 years older than me, has a 23 year old son. His partner has recently had a little boy.
We don’t have a close relationship, nothing unpleasant just not.. close. I’ve met the partner twice. We live in different countries (south west England and Scotland for context!)
they have recently started asking for help with childcare, stating that they need support, would like to go away etc. Financially we have helped but logistically we can’t do much. I know that they have lots of support from wider family and mum isn’t working.
It’s really starting to stress me out as she is sharing lots on social media about grandparents not helping, being deserted etc
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice? I am feeling really stuck, my husband speaks regularly to his son who doesn’t mention these things - it is more the partner asking me. I’ve tried to build a relationship but in all honesty it feels very transactional and off.

Can you just mute them on social media?
Surely they know you also have young kids?

How exactly are you providing this childcare from another country?

If they want childcare from you tell them to move within 30 miles of you. Or block her.

You’ve met the partner twice? How many times have you met the baby?

What is she actually asking for?
You live hundreds of miles away, have 2 children you can't leave and a full time job. What exactly is it she thinks you can offer?
Or are they thinking your DH could take a few days off work and go up and help them?
If you live in SW England, are they thinking it would be nice to visit you for a holiday? Di you have room to put them up?
They want to go away? Are they thinking they can leave a small baby with you? It can hardly go to school or holiday clubs with your children while you work.

Surely your husband can speak to his son and say
"I'm worried your struggling, Mabdy keeps asking Suzie for childcare but obv we're here in Scotland woth two young kids. How can we help because I want to support you?

Are you sure they are expecting you to help? Seems odd if you live so far away and are not the grandparent especially as you have young children yourself. Perhaps she is referring to her own parents or your husbands ex.

Once

Is the partner wanting money?

Well, good luck with that. You've got your own children to raise. Plus living in a different country and full time work, what does she expect from you regarding childcare, that you clone your husband and you to go do childcare?

I'd distance the partner. She sounds immature or unreasonable, maybe both.

Most grandparents who help out do so because they’re in their 50s/60s/70s and don’t have little kids of their own to look after. YANBU!

This isn’t your grandchild. It’s your husbands grandchild so it’s up to him to ‘help’ should he wish too. Has the son helped his dad look after his half siblings?

Have you and your husband made the effort to go up and see the new grandchild?

I think you're wrong. I don't think children (at any age) should ever be expected to help a parent do something the parent chose to do. (this is based on the principle that children don't choose to be born). Obviously, they can, but it shouldn't be expected.

YANBU. The partner sounds attention-seeking, and frankly a bit dense! How does she expect you to help from hundreds of miles away, when you’ve both got full-time jobs and young kids of your own? I would mute/block her on social media and ask your husband to have an open conversation with his son about expectations - I wonder if he even knows what his partner has been posting.

What sort of child care are they expecting? You live hundreds of miles apart from your DH's son and partner and you work full-time and have small children of your own. How old is the baby? It doesn't sound very old at all so the fact that the baby's mum is wanting to go away without her baby is quite odd.

What does your DH think? I think that he should speak to his son about his partner trying to guilt-trip you into providing childcare, even though it is completely impractical. It certainly isn't your responsibility.

Considering you don’t live nearby I’d offer a week in the summer holidays.

Is what she is saying on social media actually aimed at you or are you just interpreting it that way?

Could it be that her family aren't helping as much as she would like and is trying to guilt them into it.

I would be tempted to post back something along the lines of "yes, it is so hard when you have children especially when their grandad lives in another country!"

If she asks directly, I would ask what help she is hoping for? At least then you can deal with her expectations!

Why do you think her social media posts are aimed at you? You're not the baby's grandparent, your husband and his ex are.

It's really nothing to do with you and it's for your husband to discuss with his son and his son's partner. What specifically has the partner asked you to do, directly? Presumably the distance between you precludes you being able to help with childcare?

Sounds like she’s pissed off at her own parents and his mum, not you. Mute her if it’s annoying. Maybe invite them up during October half term and say they can have a couple of date evenings if you’re that bothered?

Are you sure it’s not her parents she is posting about (not that that is OK)? How do they expect you to help with childcare when you live so far apart? The baby will hardly know you

mute her posts and don’t worry about it, this isn’t your problem. Your husband could maybe do more but that’s on him, not you. The difference she is missing in her memes is that grandparents who help are retired! They have chosen to have a baby very young and I’d say this would be one of the consequences of that.

Unless she’s expecting you guys to fund a nanny or your dh to visit for days to providing child care she’s barking up the wrong tree aiming any of it your way considering the distance involved.

Maybe dss mum or her parents are not being as much use as she hoped.

I would assume she was posting about your DSS’s mum or her own parents. It would be a bit batshit to expect you to be very involved from another country. Either way I’d just block/ unfollow her and move on.

You’ve nothing to feel
guilty about. You can’t realistically help from so afar, and I agree they may be criticising her parents, not you (unfairly). Maybe they’re demanding too much of her parents.

Also, although maybe harsh, they have a baby now and need to grow up and take responsibility for it.

Just a thought, is she coping? Being a young mum with a young baby is hard? Maybe she’s struggling, and not adapting from being a young, free young adult to the responsibilities of being a parent, especially if she’s the first of her cohort to have a child.

Your DH’s child. He deals with it.

Mute her & carry on with your life.