Expectation as a young grandparent?

[CyanDog]

Looking for advice please.
I am in my thirties with two primary school age children. Work full time in demanding job with no significant spare time. My husband, who is 11 years older than me, has a 23 year old son. His partner has recently had a little boy.
We don’t have a close relationship, nothing unpleasant just not.. close. I’ve met the partner twice. We live in different countries (south west England and Scotland for context!)
they have recently started asking for help with childcare, stating that they need support, would like to go away etc. Financially we have helped but logistically we can’t do much. I know that they have lots of support from wider family and mum isn’t working.
It’s really starting to stress me out as she is sharing lots on social media about grandparents not helping, being deserted etc
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice? I am feeling really stuck, my husband speaks regularly to his son who doesn’t mention these things - it is more the partner asking me. I’ve tried to build a relationship but in all honesty it feels very transactional and off.

I think everyone who is wanting to start a family should be given one of those fake babies, the ones they used to give to teenage girls to put them off getting pregnant ( dont know if they still do) the ones that start screaming randomly and you have to see to them because they wont shut up.
(Much like real flesh and blood babies)
It might teach some of these whingers to think more carefully before they reproduce.
Parenthood is relentless and far from the idyllic cute chubby baby babbling serenely in a moses basket 🙄😬

You are not a grandparent here OP, so mute her and leave it to your DH. How do you know she’s not talking about her parents?

Surely it’s aimed at her parents? You can’t provide childcare from Scotland!

I can’t imagine what childcare they think you can do from different county. You have your own young children and have only met the baby once.

Ignore the social media comments.

Yeah this. How old is the baby ? Is she maybe talking about grandparents who are more local rather than you? I can't see what they can expect, except that maybe you'd visit.

She is unreasonable. Block her on sm. Let your dh deal with them. You mentioned they are hoping for a holiday, are they imagining you two will offer to have the baby for a week while they go away? They are delusional if this is the case. They have chosen to have a child this young, they can raise it.

Sounds like she needs to grow up. She is a parent now and should act like it. Winging on social media about family is childish.

I really think the posts are directed at those in a physical position to help, it might be nice to go up a wee holiday in the school holidays for a few days and see the baby for a few hours and let them go out if you want to go and the kids want to see the baby but not to give into a demand of childcare. I've a friend who has 2 toddler grandchildren and just had a baby with her new partner, had her eldest at 20, is now 45, daughter had babies at 22 and 23. All very ordinary ages for everyone to be having babies. They are apparently having a great time having each other to watch the babies when needed. But that's not quite your position. You are a step grandparent, this isn't your daughters child etc etc.

I'd go up for a visit just to have a nice wee holiday and help out while there when you are able to. Don't put yourself out financially or upset your own children so if necessary your husband could go up himself. Babies are hard work, you know that yourself, so sending a small bit of support if you can seems ok to me.

She sounds like an awful person. Id probably ignore it. You dont want to jeopardise your husbands relationship with his son and grandchild.

Why? OP also has small children, is the stepson's wife going to offer a reciprocal week?

I think your husband needs to talk directly to his son about this.

It is unclear what exactly they want you to do - you mention going away so is she just a CF who is wanting money for a holiday or money for childcare (perhaps there is some guilt on dad's side if he doesn't see his son and they aren't close).

You also don't know what the son has said. If her family help out a lot and if his mum is around maybe it's more obvious that dad isn't present (and maybe this is a bigger issue of dad starting a new family and not being present in son's life if they live quite a distance apart).

Posting personal gripes on social media is a sign of immaturity. I'd just mute her.

Invite them to come stay with you every now and then if you have space, and if the baby is easy you could watch it for a couple of hours while they have a date night. Looking after a baby you barely know for longer than that wouldn't be appropriate/fair on the child even if you didn't have young children and a full time job of your own

I was in my 40s when my grandchild was born. My own baby waa a toddler.

We lived in the same city then. I uses to have DGC once a week when her mum returned to work.
Now they live a few hours away, its just in the school holidays.

I would ask her directly what help she needs.

Just delete any and all social media accounts.

How on earth are you supposed to help when you’re at opposite ends of the country?

They want help, they need to move where their family are. When you take the decision to have a baby, you should factor that stuff in!

If her family help I would assume this is directed at her your DPs ex / her DPs mum...

I'd put her on mute or whatever and crack on with your lives.

If she asks you directly to provide childcare for a solo holiday ask her what sort of reciprocal arrangement she had in mind as school holidays are difficult to fill so a weeks childcare would be a great help.

Are you sure she's not posting these and they are directed at her parents or the mum? Because no one in their right mind would expect any childcare help from someone 100's of miles away. It is impossible!

Sounds like its aimed at anyone' who will listen and she is struggling, why would you take it to heart surely it is up to your husband and his ex wife if they want to help out, does his dad not visit them either ?

Some young people just want it all. They’ve had a baby young yet still want and expect to be able to have all the nights out, weekends away etc. Hence the unreasonable demand for childcare help.

You owe them nothing. They’ve made their bed and need to sort it out. She doesn’t work so there’s no work/childcare issues for now at least.

Logistically and practically there’s nothing you can do to help nor should you be expected to. Let her post her ridiculous expectations - mute her or unfriend her.

Given you don’t know her, the post could well be aimed at other people - including absentee own parents - and a general sense of helplessness at this stage. As someone else suggested commiserate with her and talk about how difficult it can be as you well know because you still have two primary school age children.

I’d just block her. Attention seeking ’woe is me’ posts on social media are really fucking tedious.

This ^
i wouldn’t expect you providing childcare at all, just expressing interest to how baby is doing and visiting from time to time.
How could you provide childcare ?You don’t have a magic carpet to fly to theirs.

I would also use @curious79 ’s advice - it is really good.

She’s obviously being passive aggressive on social media but as you’re so far away and obviously not available for regular babysit could she be refereeing to her own family if they are closer?

I would just block her. Couldn't be doing with that, she doesn't work so why does she need babysitters? Surely they can hire one?