Expectation as a young grandparent?

[CyanDog]

Looking for advice please.
I am in my thirties with two primary school age children. Work full time in demanding job with no significant spare time. My husband, who is 11 years older than me, has a 23 year old son. His partner has recently had a little boy.
We don’t have a close relationship, nothing unpleasant just not.. close. I’ve met the partner twice. We live in different countries (south west England and Scotland for context!)
they have recently started asking for help with childcare, stating that they need support, would like to go away etc. Financially we have helped but logistically we can’t do much. I know that they have lots of support from wider family and mum isn’t working.
It’s really starting to stress me out as she is sharing lots on social media about grandparents not helping, being deserted etc
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice? I am feeling really stuck, my husband speaks regularly to his son who doesn’t mention these things - it is more the partner asking me. I’ve tried to build a relationship but in all honesty it feels very transactional and off.

I can't believe she means you when she talks about GPs not helping, OP.

You're hundreds of miles away, you have a f/t job and young children of your own. And I assume your DP works f/t too. It's not like you can pop in for a few hours to give her a break every now and again.

If she does mean you, perhaps she needs a bit of a wake-up call.

What are you supposed to do from another country? She's bonkers. Mute and carry on. I don't mean to sound harsh, but she chose to have a baby... the world doesn't revolve around her.

Next time she contacts you looking for childcare, I’d reply quite clearly saying you live a distance away from one another, you have two young children yourself and work full-time so surely herself and her DP can see that it’s just not possible for yourself or your DH to offer child-care.

I’d also mute/block her on SM if she continued posting about lack of support - it’s very childish.

I have been exceptionally lucky to have weekly childcare from my PIL and an aunt for a while.

Both retired young with no dependents, lived very locally and we were close emotionally as well. Our life would have been hard without their support.

However it was not an expectation, we always paid for solid childcare once working, and they live about 5 miles away.

I am afraid I would not be able to resist replying to her ridiculous posts.

Has your husband not addressed it with his son? Why are you being asked and not your husband?

It’s really hard having a baby - it is. It’s exhausting and stressful and I totally understand needing help but she isn’t being realistic.

I think for your own peace of mind, you can go one of two routes.

Obviously, given work, your own family responsibilities and the distance you live apart, you can't be any actual help. Plus, to be blunt, you aren't actually a grandparent. You're the 2nd wife of her father in law.

Route 1. Mute her on social media. She'll continue wingeing but you'll never see it. You don't live near them so it won't have a knock on effect on anyone you see.

Route 2. Don't mute her and every time she makes a comment, reply, with a statement like
'If we didn't live 400 miles away, we'd be there in a shot to look after baby.'
or
'Our next scheduled annual leave is in May. We'd love you to drop baby off with us for a week! Let's make a plan.'
or maybe even
'If you ever have plans to move to Cornwall, count us in for regular babysitting with the gorgeous little man!'

Mute her. I agree with the advice given above. You’re not a grandparent and you have a full plate of your own!

The baby is not your grandchild. The baby presumably has four grandparents of its own. No idea why you would stress about childcare requests given the circumstances. Maybe you have a DH/partner problem if he is expecting you to help......

Some people use social media to post lots of ‘poor me’ nonsense. I’d block and ignore her.

They chose to a have a child and they need to understand that only they are responsible for looking after it 24/7. The fact they still have working parents who send them gifts and money is a massive bonus and they ought to be extremely grateful for that, not whining like a toddler about how it’s all so unfair…🙄

Some people call their step grandchildren just grandchildren, and some step grandchildren do the same for the step grandparents. The OP has referred to herself as one of the grandparents, and that is up to her and the child’s parents if she is referred to as such, not us on MN. My children’s grandad is actually a step, but he is regarded as a grandparent as much as the others, as he is a lot better than the absent biological one!

If you live 100's of miles apart from your step-son and his partner, how exactly is his partner expecting you to help???!!! It's not as if you can offer weekly babysitting, if you live 250 miles away (for example)!! I fail to understand what your step-son's partner realistically expects you or your husband to do?!

You both presumably work full-time, and have two young children yourselves. Add in the distance you live from your husband's son, there's no wiggle room for you to offer any practical help!

Your husband needs to speak to his son, and ask if all is OK with his partner. This situation is for your husband is resolve, not you.

I’m afraid I would have no time for someone sharing lots on social media about grandparents not helping, being deserted etc

Bloody cheek. You work full time in a demanding job, live hundreds of miles away in a different country, have two young children yourself and are already helping them financially.

When you have a baby, you kind of accept that your holidays will include them from now on! It wouldn’t have occurred to me to feel deserted because nobody would let me have a baby-free holiday! What a load of emotional rubbish!

perhaps send your husband to stay and help out , but don’t let him go without taking your two school age children for a visit.

She's contacting you not your DH? When you're not even a blood relative? What, because sorting out childcare is women's work?

Tell her you're in your thirties with small children and nowhere near the grandparenting phase of life. Then mute, block and ignore - if she wants something from your DH she can ask him directly. Although I presume she doesn't because she knows she'll get a typically male response - something along the lines of "Can't. Working"? Sometimes men have more sense on this stuff. Emulate them.

Or, you know, have some fun with it and start listing all the times she can do your childcare, if you're now in an all-female village... Before blocking her.

Could the baby stay with you? Or could your husband go down to stay for a few days?

Did you miss the fact that she has young children and works full time?!

OP as others have said, mute her. She sounds lukewarm right drama llama posting things like that on SM

You could offer to have the baby Friday evening to Sunday lunchtime if they book a hotel weekend away in your neck of the woods. They probably wouldn't but atleast you will have offered.

I’d reply ‘ooh yeah that’s a great idea. We could have a reciprocal arrangement. I’ll have Jacob for a weekend so you can go away and then you can have Miles and Stanley in return! We never get to go away either since childcare is a rarity. That’s brilliant. Let’s get some dates booked in’

That should shut her up

I would ignore it. You aren’t actually the grandmother. You are a working woman in her 30s with two young children. She must be talking about her own mother or the ex-wife. Not you.

If she means you, she is ridiculous.

I also wonder where millennials got the idea that their parents should do do much childcare for them. It certainly wasn’t the norm in living memory.

Exactly. She may well appreciate the occasional chat/chance to vent with another mum of small children. Mid-20s can be a tricky age to be a new mum: too old for all the groups aimed at very young mums, but younger than most people in NCT groups etc.

Agreed.

The distances involved make it completely unrealistic for you to be an involved grandparent.

Your DH needs to ask his son to shut this down. If DH won't do this, or son can't/won't set his wife's expectations you just have to ignore it all.

I can't see why a woman in Scotland would expect her DH's stepmum in Devon (an assumption) to rock up regularly to babysit. I'd definitely be keeping my distance from her, though.

I will drop everything to have my baby granddaughter. However, DS and DIL bought a house a five minute drive away, I'm in my fifties, retired and youngest DC is at university and finally I have a close bond with my DGD because I took DIL and baby for lunch every week whilst she was on maternity leave and we built up the time I had her alone slowly.
My DGD is a joy because she knows us so well. We take her for fairly long days out regularly (9 am until 6pm).
We do not have DGD overnight, which must be what you DSS's partner is asking you to do because at sixteen months she's a bit young and we wouldn't want to mess around with her bedtime routine and sleep.

If you're so far apart, presumably they want you to take the DC for a week to let them go off on holiday? Have they provided you with any child care for your kids when they had none?

I think you just need to leave this to DH, really. If you've hardly met the mother her posting on Facebook can't have much impact on you can it? Who does she know who might think badly of you because of those posts?

I think it's a shame if your DH isn't involved with his DS and DGC, though. Has he invited them down for a stay, taken them on holiday, been to visit and help out or anything?

CF I'd post a reply on her SM explaining the situation from your side and how disappointing it is she is badmouthing you publicly. That you're sorry you're not a free babysitting service for a stepchild's newborn when there is no attempt on her part to build a genuine relationship with you.

Or post on your own SM / forward posts about CFs expecting free childcare. Passive aggressive route!

They cant expect that of you when you have two primary school children.. they know this take no notice block social media or mute and be honest saying its a different relationship for you as you have your own young children to love and care for x