AIBU to stop cooking for my in-laws after their rude behaviour?

[ChefNoMore]

AIBU to say I am not cooking for my in-laws anymore?

Lots of back story with in-laws being rude to me, but this really pissed me off, was the straw that broke the camels back.

We seem to always end up hosting everyone at our house for Easter, Christmas etc. Although not always on the main day because PIL usually get a better offer from her SiL or her own sister and her DH.

Last Sunday we had a lunch at our house. I’m not sure what the latest thing is that I’ve done, as no one will ever tell me, but my PIL and SIL all refused to eat anything I’d prepared. They brought a few dishes themselves, asked what my DH had made and stuck to that. You may think I’m being paranoid but I’m not. This is the kind of games they play.

Usually when MIL and FIL come alone they are happy to eat whatever with my FIL actually telling me that I’m a great cook.

I just found this really utterly rude and I am done. I put so much effort into cleaning the house, shopping, planning and cooking dishes (I made fresh bread, side dishes and 2 desserts) and they ate none of it. They even asked who made what.

My DH fully admits that his family like to play politics but I’ve had enough of being one of the main villains.

It’s nearly that time when Christmas is discussed and who is doing what and when. I’m just not doing it. I’m not having any of them over at all. If DH wants to see them he can go and meet them in a restaurant.

I’ve been so stupid putting up with this crap but I’m done.

Good for you op, I’d completely cut contact and never invite them round again. If your dh wants to invite them, you go out for the day

They would never be allowed to cross my threshold again. What rude arseholes!

You've never tried to serve them individual beef wellingtons, have you?

Ooooh. Not OK. OP, I think you might need to sit your DH down and ask him whether he still wants you in his life. If he does, he'd better straighten up and fly right. You have scope to consider your options. Those don't need to include DH, especially if to do so entails swallowing DH's toxic family as part of the bargain. Nah!

This is your DH's fight. Shame on him for letting them insult you, and for letting them disrespect you for so long. He is the problem. Unless and until DH is willing and able to step up and be a man, no in-laws allowed at your place. Period, full stop.

I don't know if it's a question of "being a man" it's time to put his family straight and that goes both ways whether it was wife's family acting like this.
No one regardless of sex should be treated like this in their own home.

Yep, Yep, Yep and more Yep.

I agree with you, stay strong.

OP, the way I look at it. By the time your youngest reaches 20 it just naturally gets harder and harder to have all your own family unit together at Christmas before they all start breaking away, working abroad or travelling or at the GFs house.

Maybe I'm exaggerating, hopefully you'll have many many more, but count the times you've hosted or made the extra effort for Xmas, Easter, kids birthdays etc.. which they have one way or another ruined for you. Don't give these rotters one more of the precious Christmas's you have left. You , your Children, and your DH should have a chance to enjoy Christmas without out all the drama, and having to put up with the contempt shown directly at you by these people, or having them call the shots about exactly how things should be done.

As they are growing up, you want your kids to remember family occasions where you all did things as just you wanted to, relaxed, fun, full of love and kindness, not the tension that arises from the behaviour you have described, which leaves you furious and upset and quarrelling with your DH who is in denial. His family are seriously affecting your marriage and your family life.

They've had their chance, many times from your description. I wouldn't host them again. DH can visit and enjoy their antics if he wants to but the longer you put up with this in an effort to keep the peace, the longer they will go on doing it.
You say SIL hates your guts. Why do you have to spend time with her? Put yourself, your children and your DH first. They won't.

This is a planned and coordinated performance of hierarchy and exclusion. Theyre not rejecting the food, they are rejecting you, OP. They are testing their son are you on our side or hers.......

If you complain to them they"ll say you're crazy. They have plausible deniability. This is indeed a husband problem. The solution is for him to understand whats happening and say to them we cooked all of this together.

If he wont, i wouldnt put any effort in at all. Remove their power to make you small. Disengage. You are meeting a friend when theyre round. Youve eaten a big lunch so wont be joining them at dinner, so sorry i have some important work to catch up on.

Turn the tables: Make a cake or something you and your kids you know you and your children bloody love and eat it together with the kids in front of them. Say with absolute confidence and enjoyment, " this cake is bloody fabulous, are you quite sure you wont have any?... What a shame. Ah well, tuck in kids!!!

Gracious. No confrontation. Smile genuinely. Revel in taking back your power. You may even feel the urge to giggle......They may mumble an excuse....or even be forced into a tiny slice......

Complete wankers.

Good for you. These sort of rides extended family who take others for granted are unfortunately a feature of every family. Need to be dealt with with strong boundaries. Easier said than done, however

You win the internet for this one. Top post.

Just tell them to get lost next time it's suggested YOU do or host anything!

Drop the rope. If your DH wants to just them, he does the lot. I’d make myself scarce to be honest, you don’t need to have a relationship with these people!

Oh and your DH is spineless and pathetic. But I think you already know that…

That you Erin?

They sound awful, but also not very clever. I’d be having too much fun with this OP, but then I don’t mind confrontation and making rude people squirm.

No need to cause a nuclear scene, just go out. No cleaning, tidying. Just go out.

If my DH was that oblivious to shit coming my way with kids at witnesses I’m not sure I’d ever forgive him. And to do it repeatedly…..

When your DH says he never notices it, etc. what he's doing is picking which problem seems easiest to manage. He believes it's easier to manage your disappointment than his family's reaction. If he's the least favourite child this is a hard topic for him, but you need to make it clear that you will become a much, much bigger problem if it continues. He's betting on you not rocking the boat as much as they will. This might be subconscious and not intentional, but you need to make him see the dynamic.
Then you never host again. If they come over it's a day of your choosing and he does all the work. One spiteful comment or mean behaviour and they're barred. If you don't want them over Christmas they don't come.

I agree with this. If he wants to host them, he cooks for them.

Please remember your children have noticed this behaviour, they have seen your reaction, how you have dealt with the disrespect. As they get older they will no doubt have to deal with these family members, do you want them to experience the same humiliation you are experiencing. You need to show them how do have the confidence as adults to interact with these arseholes especially as your husband doesn’t appear to have the balls to stand up for himself nor his wife. The husband is a completely different thread, not sure if I could respect a man who clearly can’t stand up for himself or his immediate family. If he can’t then you need to.

This is so so spot on. It is a planned and coordinated performance of hierarchy and exclusion. I’ve actually seen them do it to other people. I’ve heard MIL and SIL say what they’re going to do and coordinate themselves against someone. A team effort.

Personally I am more of a round table sort of person, with everyone equal and important, and everyone heard. They are more dictatorship, with a couple of flying monkeys as henchmen, and certain people at the bottom of the hierarchy knowing their place.

I have an awesome SIL, married to my DB. There’s just no way she’d put up with this shit. She is the most polished, classy, gracious person I’ve ever met, but if you piss her off you are in serious trouble 😂 I’ve decided to use her as a benchmark WWSD.

It must be a slow day at the office as they usually direct their dramas towards MIL and FIL’s family, with my SIL feuding with them too, and DH just stays out of it. There seems to be less narcissistic supply from them at the moment, so they’ve turned their attention to me.

Someone mentioned my DC. What I will say is that the moment anyone directs any negative attention towards my DC is the day I will absolutely lose it with them, and I think they know this.

I think they are all very stupid because I know that underneath my MIL, FIL and SIL are cowards masquerading as bullies. I’ve seen my MIL completely crumple when challenged by her own family, and when I lost it with her once.

Sorry but what exactly is your AIBU. You've decided not to host and cook for these people any more - quite right.

The bigger question is WHY are these people so rude and why does ANYONE put up with it? It all sounds hugely dysfunctional and silly (tbh).

I hope that posting here and seeing all the replies affirming and validating how you feel will help you. Your dh doesnt want to see it........ Sometimes being able to name and identify what is happening gives you a little bit of extra power and takes some of the sting and hurt out of it.

Im not so sure that confronting them with their behaviour will work, quietly or otherwise. They will side with each other "whats she talking about?" , do you know dh. "No idea". Then probably accuse you of being depressed or anxious and suggest you see your GP........

Its harder when they are teamed up.

Sending hugs to you across the internet. Xx

Sorry but my inner passive aggressive bitch would see me, as soon as they mentioned anything about Christmas Day, say Oh we are going to enjoy and quiet one just us this year, I mean there would be no point in all of you coming anyway, given you won’t eat anything I make’ and then walk away… but I am the queen if dropping the truth grenade.