AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my 19-year-old daughter’s dependence?

[MarieTheresa]

My 19 year old dd has always been hard work. She’s very kind but also very demanding. I kind of wish she didn’t live with us but we live in a university town and she plans to attend this university in september so she’ll be staying with me for the foreseeable. I think she’s too attached to me but I don’t know what to do about this. She’s lonely and she’s bored. I don’t know why she doesn’t have many friendships but she doesn’t. It’s like I’m her main relationship. But I’m her mother and each conversation inevitably turns from a chat to a mother-to-daughter guidance. I just wish she had more friends and I wasn’t so important to her. I don’t know what to do. We have some really ugly arguments, mostly, I think, because she asks too much of me and I’m overwhelmed, too stressed from work and unable and unwilling to be her friend. Any advice?

She sounds very unhappy. 19 and no friends at all?

Well suggest she goes into halls at uni?

Can you gently encourage her to go to a university away from home? Sounds like she really needs to spread her wings a little and develop some independence.

Encourage her to join some special interest clubs at uni to see if she can make some friends. I’m really socially awkward and always struggled to make friends but my mum was also not an option.

Do you have hobbies and things you can go to by yourself? Like a yoga class or a book group or whatever that she can't or isn't interested in attending? I think gently making yourself unavailable because you're pursuing your own interests might be helpful.

She has friends @PastorG , they’re just not very deep friendships. Her best friend has gone away to college.

She will make friends at uni and may join a club or two. Can you make yourself less available in the evenings and join a class or meet friends?

Yes I think this is my best option. It’s tiresome though. I really like being at home on my own. I feel a little hounded.

They’re not all ready to fledge at the same time. Does she talk about lack of friends? Has she had friends when younger? Probably things will change when she starts uni, but I wouldn’t push her away.

And socialises with them?
does she work?

This is not an option for us. We’re not in GB and that option would be too expensive for us

She’s just started a new job. I guess that’s what prompted me to start this thread. It’s all so familiar. She’s badly paid and doesn’t see much chance in making friendships there- no one speaks English except her in her new job.

What have the ugly arguments been about? Is it just the two of you at home?

She does talk about her lack of friends. She always found friendships difficult. But then so have I so it hits a nerve to hear her describe the very same things that I’ve had an issue with all my life.

What’s familiar?

No it’s my son as well. The ugly arguments begin as nice conversations. They descend into ugly when she is dismissive of my inevitable advice

I would advise going into halls for the first year. If she’s literally going to lectures and coming home she won’t have the full uni experience and won’t make any friends. At 19, does she really not have any friends or social life? That sounds incredibly lonely. Has she always been this way? Is she ND? At this age your conversations really need to be around helping her launch and get out into the world. Joining some clubs would be a good start and getting her into halls.

That she’s badly paid, that she can’t find any friends, that everything is too hard and boring

Completely understand - I have a relative a bit like this who for various complicated reasons has very little going on in his life.

Although I love him, it can be very trying when I've finished a busy and exhausting day at work and he wants to chatter about whatever rubbish he's been watching on TV or how he thinks he might possibly be ready to apply for a job at some point in the next six months...!

I don’t know what halls are and it isn’t an option here. It’s not even a real university she’ll be going to. It’s kind of adjacent to the university. She didn’t do well in school. She’s bright but not academic.

Yes this is me! It’s draining

Yes her angst is exactly like my angst and I find it hard enough to cope with myself

Maybe this is the main problem. We just don’t have the money to offer this

Yes I need to do this. My dm wasn’t an option for me either. I don’t think my being an option is good for her anymore