AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my 19-year-old daughter’s dependence?

[MarieTheresa]

My 19 year old dd has always been hard work. She’s very kind but also very demanding. I kind of wish she didn’t live with us but we live in a university town and she plans to attend this university in september so she’ll be staying with me for the foreseeable. I think she’s too attached to me but I don’t know what to do about this. She’s lonely and she’s bored. I don’t know why she doesn’t have many friendships but she doesn’t. It’s like I’m her main relationship. But I’m her mother and each conversation inevitably turns from a chat to a mother-to-daughter guidance. I just wish she had more friends and I wasn’t so important to her. I don’t know what to do. We have some really ugly arguments, mostly, I think, because she asks too much of me and I’m overwhelmed, too stressed from work and unable and unwilling to be her friend. Any advice?

I agree with this. I don't think giving advice always works and I've seen it be the cause of fall outs when the advice giver doesn't feel appreciated too many times. I've made a conscious decision to try and switch to empathetic listening with my personal relationships because in the absence of a quick fix for their problems it's more useful.

Obviously being similar to you as you say you may also be neurodiverse if you have always struggled socially.

She needs to understand you nave boundaries and be gently encouraged to give you space.

I know how hard it is hut for now I would focus on holding that boundary

I agree with this. In my experience they get to an age where its sometimes better all round just to listen and not offer advice.

She can go to a university club to do something that she is interested in (or might be a new interest). She might make friends or she might not. But it will make her less dependent on OP either way.

Agree with a couple of Pp above.

She sounds very much like my DD who is autistic. My Dd is emotionally and socially about 3-4yrs behind her actual age.

So at 19 she was no where near ready to engage with her peers socially and emotionally like most girls her age.

She’s not autistic. She’s fine socially but she doesn’t seem to have many friends. Some old friends really let her down and she moved on from them.

No advice but just wanted to say I sympathise and you are not the only one going through this 💐

Encourage her to get a job while studying. If she’s not also coping with an adjustment to a new town and home she’ll have more than enough time, and shit PT student jobs are a great place to meet friends at that age.

Who else lives in your house? Is it just you and her? I would suggest being out more often/less physically available to her. When she messages you during your work hours do not immediately reply. Do you have a bedroom you can put a TV in and make into a bit of a cave for yourself? Go to bed early, give yourself alone time.

You haven't answered any of the language barrier questions.

If you live in a different country, why is it a negative for your dd that not many people speak english at her new job?

Did you move her to a country where she can't speak the native language and just expect her to get on with it?

Just to Mythbust .. plenty of Autistic people are fine socially, especially girls who have learned from a young age how to mask … it’s one of the reason girls are women are under-diagnosed.

Not saying your DD is, but don’t base judgment on a myth

You sound oddly detached to me OP. Like you see your child has purely an obligation rather than a gift. Having your daughter be your friend is a blessing and I’m not sure why you’re turning away from it. Was your mother cold and detached too?

It sounds like she wants support but you’ve decided as she’s over 18, that’s no longer your role. A kid is for life I’m afraid.

Are you an insular person? You mention lacking friendships yourself. Is there neurodivergence in the family?

I’m wondering this too. If she can’t speak the language, it’s pretty normal to expect her to lean on her family who can. You need to be realistic OP, you can’t take a kid to a different country with a new language and expect them to hop along, that’s really unfair of you.

The language question is irrelevant. She speaks the native language. The people she works with are immigrants from different countries and they don’t speak the language

I didn’t take the kids to a different country? Where did people get this idea.

people are confused about your location because of the reference to speaking the native language / being the only English speaker

This was exactly my thought. You both sound like there is possibly some ND but at different stages in life.
I feel for her because she must desperately crave love and affection that she isn’t successfully building in external relationships but you are now rejecting her too.

These replies are a little weird, although I welcome the input as it is interesting. No I’m not an insular person, in fact I’m more broad minded than most. No neurodivergence in the family. I wouldn’t describe myself as either cold or detached in person however writing on an anonymous forum is itself a detached thing to do.
I’m wondering about you, @WhisperingHi are you often so quick to criticise other people?

Why do we both sound neurodivergent? I know people are quick to amateur diagnose but this is truly wild. Loneliness now suggests neurodivergence?

It’s just me and her, it’s a pity we don’t have a larger family. She comes into my bedroom all the time for chats. But thanks for your feedback @WhatNextImScared as it is thought provoking

Did you set up home in a place where the majority language is not your daughter's first language?

Your DD sounds very isolated and unhappy. I don't think you're going to help her by pushing her away, as difficult as it is to be in your position. Is she suffering from anxiety or depression? Has she experienced any major moves of location or trauma? Why does her best friend get to go away when this isn't an option for her?

Oh yes, we often do things together, and it’s often enjoyable. I’m just concerned about how dependent she is on me.

It does sound like you need some boundaries around your bedroom and your need for some downtime.

I think that there are broader concerns around young people and loneliness these days. In an ideal world you'd be able to do some gentle pushing and she'd find some good avenues to connect with her peers in the local area but there seems to be less and less things like this.

This sounds like such a tough situation. I’m sorry.

She’ll likely find her wings at university. She’ll meet different people and develop new interests, she’ll find her tribe. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up moving in with friends in her 2nd year. Sometimes it just takes people a little while to find their feet.

No, the way you post and describe your daughter suggest neurodivergence. it's not a criticism or a bad thing, merely an observation.

Also, your DD being "fine socially" means nothing when it comes to whether she might be autistic - lots of girls mask and manage to appear fine socially for years before the wheels come off and they struggle - I was one of them.

I'm surprised by people jumping to conclusions esp re the language at work comment.
where I live the majority of low wage workers do not have English as a first language.
These are the type of jobs likely avato a teenager .
Eg care work. Cleaning. Hospitality..
Nothing OP has written implies they have moved to a foreign country.
Also not everyone can afford to pay for separate accommodation while at college.

So if it's easier to commute daily that's what they'll do.
OP has already said she is not in GB.
Probably somewhere where comprehension still forms part of literacy learning...
Take it easy OP.
All the best to you