AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my 19-year-old daughter’s dependence?

[MarieTheresa]

My 19 year old dd has always been hard work. She’s very kind but also very demanding. I kind of wish she didn’t live with us but we live in a university town and she plans to attend this university in september so she’ll be staying with me for the foreseeable. I think she’s too attached to me but I don’t know what to do about this. She’s lonely and she’s bored. I don’t know why she doesn’t have many friendships but she doesn’t. It’s like I’m her main relationship. But I’m her mother and each conversation inevitably turns from a chat to a mother-to-daughter guidance. I just wish she had more friends and I wasn’t so important to her. I don’t know what to do. We have some really ugly arguments, mostly, I think, because she asks too much of me and I’m overwhelmed, too stressed from work and unable and unwilling to be her friend. Any advice?

I didn't think you were unreasonable until you said you were unable and unwilling to be her friend. That's so sad.

Do you think if she was able to step back and be less reliant on you that would change? Have you spoken to her about it? It might be helpful for her to understand that you need your own space too.

If you are not in the uk it may be different but at this age in the uk friendship groups often break up as some go to uni, some get jobs away from home etc.

lets start with the positives, she has a job and is going on to further study.

now if you want to reduce rows the easiest way is don’t physically be there as much. So go out more. Find things to do outside the house. Presumably come September she’ll be out a lot more as well.

Never give advice but tell her that you know she will make good decisions for herself.
Give her fees to join a university club for her birthday.
Does DD try hobbies now that she is out of school?
Suggest that she travels to visit her best friend at college.

She will meet new friends this year.
Hopefully she will want to socialise with some.

Because the op is not her friend - she is her mum.

The relationship is very different.

It isn’t the fact the op is saying she dislikes her daughter, but at 19 the relationship is still very much parent and child.

Stop giving advice. Just empathise with her. It's a lot but she's your daughter and needs a friend and right now that's you. It's ok to say, omg sounds really shit -she'll probably say it's not that bad. So just echo that back. Yeah at least youre earning - that's great. Don't get drawn into advice, arguments etc. She's old enough to figure her own life out.Have a chat with her early evening and then say right, time for [whatever you want to do/watch/read] and do it.

DD is 20. High-Functioning ASD… her chronological age, and emotional age are not the same. She’s about 3 years “under” where you would expect her to be. So now, at 20, she’s talking about Careers, and University, and will continue to be at home for the next year or two.

PT job at a local pub. Has struggled with “real life” friendships, plenty online. She is now starting to make friends, but it’s never that easy for her. For the first time ever she went out drinking, to local pubs, with her workmates, the other week - I felt like celebrating.

We do a lot together though, she’s still “young” emotionally, and need to help navigate life. TBH I enjoy her company. I think you should enjoy your daughter’s company more. Well done to her for getting into Uni, and having a job.

She will make friends, be there to help guide her as she transitions into being more Independant.

(btw not saying your daugher has ASD, just drawing parallels around similar issues)

Don’t always give guidance, just listen. I’ll sometimes say to DD “do you want me to listen , or give advice” I also do a lot if “you are an Adult now, you can handle this, but if you need help let me know”

Do you have friends and socialise?

Do you ever do anything with her OP? Go out for lunch/a drink/cinema. I have two DDs, and whilst they do need to be independent and spread their wings I still like to think we're friends as well as mother/DD. I enjoy their company ... mostly 😃, not always!

It does sound hard though.

Definitely encourage her to halls but don’t worry about her having few friends at 19. At my 18th birthday there were three of us…including me!

Some people have huge friend networks whereas some make a few deep ones. University and living on campus will be great for her to meet people even if it costs more money.

You need to stay supportive, she needs a supportive person in her life. Being the only English speaker at her work is probably hard and uncomfortable.

She needs space from you to build some friendships of her own. A shame she's opted to stay local for university – could she not go into halls?
Mine was at home with me during Covid and we were very close (and of course Covid limited outside friendships with peers). But she eventually went university a long way from home and it was the making of her - it forced her to find a life and support network for herself, as coming home regularly just wasn't an option.

Op this is so confusing where are you ? Are you in a. Non English speaking country ?
If so why when did you move ? Has this move and language barrier affected her ??

Can you help her set up a proper stocks.and shares account to save her little wages ?

Are we missing some information here? You mention her colleagues not speaking English. Have you moved somewhere where she doesn’t speak the language? Have you not lived there long?

Does she speak the local language?

Encourage her to join clubs. Particularly ones where she can focus on the activity and not have to be too sociable until she feels more confident. Have a look on facebook for a "Parents of X University" group and ask what clubs are good for less sociable students (this question comes up a lot - do not feel embarrassed to ask). Then steer her at them. I appreciate she still has to make the effort though.

I feel a bit like this with my son; he has few friends and spends lots of time at home. I tend to put my headphones on or bury myself in a book when I can't face talking to him any more till eventually he gets the hint and goes off. That sounds horrible written down, but I do need time to myself as well.

What country do you live in and how long have you all lived there? Does she speak the local language?

Its hard for you but must also be hard for her if you are the only one she can talk to.

Can you reset boundaries, by letting her know you are not always available to talk? I work in a high pressure role and sometimes I will say to my young adult kids 'im exhausted today, just so you know I plan to relax and read my book and am not up for any deep.or heavy conversation tonight, but I will be around tomorrow after work'

Additionally could you do an activity together at home - painting, chess, movie night...so the focus is on that not on the deep chat.

I do understand bc one of my dc likes to complain about their situation but wont do anything about it. We argue bc I will say that we already talked about it and I have offered my advice which they dont want to take, and thats fine but I cant just hear about the sane thing over and over when they are completely unwilling to actually do something to change it. They get sassy saying I just want you to listen and in my head im screaming 'i have! Every bloody day for the last 6 months, I dont want to listen every day if we are not moving closer to a solution!' Obviously I dont say that out loud.

I'm guessing it's Ireland?
Where most people commute for college.
Living away isn't so common or possible.
I agree with others.
You need to set your own boundaries.
Calmly and pleasantly.
Thereby modeling adult interactions.
Try not to give advice unless asked directly and even then begin by saying hmm what do you think.

And break it up after a short period by declaring well I need a cup of tea.
How about you.
Get up as you say it.
Do not let yourself be cornered.
All the best.

Definitely get her into halls at uni -I made so many friends there

To all the people saying “she’ll make friends at university” – not if she doesn’t have and doesn’t cultivate the skills to do so.

Do most children leave home at 18 where you are? It sounds harsh to say you are sick of her. Encourage her to meet new friends but it’s not surprising that your child, who lives at home, spends time at home.

The first thing to deal with is that her similarity to you and your childhood/young experience is triggering for you. She reminds you viscerally if yourself at that age and your own mother’s lack of attunement and inability to connect with what you needed.

Start by taking care of yourself and giving yourself enough space to recharge your own batteries. Be honest with dd and just say “these times are off limits for emotional stuff.” Or go out and limit contact with her during ghe arsenic hours when she seeks you out for emotional dumping.

Once you are in a better space and have more spare energy then you can practice being empathetic without soaking up her distress or hyping it up by continually problem solving.

She will be ok. She will live her life. If she doesn’t like something she can change it. Just nod and say “that sounds hard. I support your decisions. You will work it out.”

She sounds like my daughter who is autistic.

Have you considered this ?

It sounds like the language may be an issue; could she study in the UK instead?