AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my 19-year-old daughter’s dependence?

[MarieTheresa]

My 19 year old dd has always been hard work. She’s very kind but also very demanding. I kind of wish she didn’t live with us but we live in a university town and she plans to attend this university in september so she’ll be staying with me for the foreseeable. I think she’s too attached to me but I don’t know what to do about this. She’s lonely and she’s bored. I don’t know why she doesn’t have many friendships but she doesn’t. It’s like I’m her main relationship. But I’m her mother and each conversation inevitably turns from a chat to a mother-to-daughter guidance. I just wish she had more friends and I wasn’t so important to her. I don’t know what to do. We have some really ugly arguments, mostly, I think, because she asks too much of me and I’m overwhelmed, too stressed from work and unable and unwilling to be her friend. Any advice?

Although you like just chilling at home it would probably help your DD to see you having a social life outside the home as well. Maybe look for an activity you could do together, where participants cover a big age range and you might both make other friends? (Line dancing is a good one.)

Rather than giving her advice which escalates into arguments, try to listen to her and ask open questions so she is forced to think about options herself. Not "Well I would..." but "What do you think you could do..."

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I’m saying it’s an inaccurate thing . What examples of neurodivergence can you say in the way I post? @beaglescurleduplikebagels

Just the general vibe, that’s all. As someone who’s autistic themselves, it’s often quite easy to spot in other people!

I sympathise OP. Ignore the unhelpful responses. They're inevitably from people with who have happy , well adjusted 19 year old daughters with a thriving social life, friends , boyfriends and jobs. I have walked many days in your shoes with a similar daughter ,for whom I am the source of all the frustrations she feels about her life , but also the solution because she has no one else. For those saying ' a kid is for life ' - where is your empathy? Until you know what it's like to be the focus of your adults child's entire life, and the absolute suffocation this causes, please try not to be so fucking smug. You cannot MAKE a life for your adult child if they don't want one. You can't MAKE them get help, be more positive, or solution focused , if they're currently more comfortable holding you, the parent responsible for them in the same way you were when they were children. None of you can know until you live it.

I was actually wondering about neurodivergence. DD2, who is 22, is AuDHd and sounds similar to your DD and the OP’s DD. I have found it very suffocating. Eventually I realised I was supporting her too much - she was relying on me to help her more than she actually needed. Me supporting her had just become a habit. I have now consciously decided to support her less and encourage more independence. It all started when she had a legal problem a few months ago - I gave her good but unpalatable advice, exDP gave her bad but palatable advice. She followed exDP’s advice and ended up needing a solicitor for £££s. (She probably would not have needed the solicitor if she had followed my advice). At that point, I made a deliberate decision to lose my temper with her and tell her that it was on her because she had ignored my good advice. Ever since then, our relationship has been far better. In the past, I have been endlessly patient and understanding with her. I realised it had gone on too long.

So you and her are very similar? Do you work on a very low paid job? Do you also not have any close friends?

You mentioned her brother too?