AIBU to stop keeping the children quiet after his late nights?

[HelloAllHere]

Two issues really but I think the first one I am probably being unreasonable about. I have two young kids full time. My partner has 2 older kids 50%. And we have a baby together. On the weekends we don’t have his older kids, he will sometimes have his mates over and they’ll go out drinking. Usually not coming back till 4-5am in the morning. That annoys me but I don’t really know why. I think it’s just us being different people. I did that when I was young/in my 20s. Now at 39 a night out for me would be like 2am max (but I don’t go out drinking) Plus I don’t understand where he ends up at till that time. He’ll say he went to such and such (which closes at 1am) yet still takes him 3-4 hours to come home so that clearly isn’t where he ended up. He will also always say he’s just going out for 1/2 drinks as well which annoys me as I know that’s not true. So I don’t get why don’t just say it will be a late one. As I then don’t hear from him till he’s home when sometimes he’s specifically said he will be going to somewhere that say closes at 11pm. It used to worry me but now I know to just not expect him until I’m nearly waking up! But I do think it’s rude to not even check in or is that just me?
My kids wake up around 6am so usually I will try and keep them a bit quieter in the morning, more so for his mate/brother or whoever. Or take them out till lunchtime. But I’m getting a bit sick of it now and feel I shouldn’t have to do that. Although he does only go out once a month. He doesn’t ask me to keep them quiet to be fair, but I also don’t think they’d be too happy if I just let the kids burst in on them or wake them up. They usually crash downstairs when they get in which is obviously where my kids all are in the morning (theres a downstairs bedroom) So AIBU to just let my kids carry on as if they weren’t here and potentially wake them up when they’ve only had an hours sleep?

You had a baby with this prince?

If he is out most weekends until dawn I suspect other substances are being used.

Does he get up with your joint child 50% of the time?

fuck that shit.

speak to him, tell him his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and he is welcome to go out but need to be home when he says and that family life will be continuing as normal and he can only bring people back occasionally.

Getting wasted this frequently must also be making a big hole in the family budget?

Why is he acting like a 21 year old at 39? He needs to get a grip of himself. He shouldn’t be going out every other weekend getting smashed till 5am and worse, inviting his mates back to crash at his where his baby and stepchildren live.

So he doesn’t usually leave the house until 9/10pm. Although I suppose he’s still been up all day. I wouldn’t have the energy myself! But I really don’t think he does drugs. Cannabis when younger but nothing now.
And no to be fair, it’s always me getting up with baby and my kids. I do breastfeed though

So he is not being honest with you as to what he is up to when he is out virtually all night. Sounds like drugs and/ or other women.

Why are you putting up with this? He is taking you for a fool. You have a wee baby but he is behaving as though he is a single guy

And definitely don't keep the children quiet. Why should you?

Honestly it's your kids home don't let them grow up thinking they have to tip toe around their father when he's been drinking. He wants to act like a teenager being out all night then he can suffer the consequences of being woken up by children or come home earlier because you know he has responsibilities.

Why is he also out so much? That's what every other weekend? It then writes off your Sunday, sorry I wouldn't be standing to lose two weekends a month to drinking when you've got 3-5 kids.

My DH goes out occasionally, him and his mates host it at each others houses when the kids are away at grandparents etc. Means everyone can sober. Up properly but also partners and children aren't affected.

It’s sad, sleazy behaviour in a 25 year old with no dependents. In a 39 year old with kids it’s just weird. I don’t blame his first wife for the split. Who’d be with someone that immature?

‘That annoys me but I don’t really know why’

you have a baby together!! How is he managing to do his 50:50 share of parenting if he does this?

i think by your statement I’ve quoted that you have a very low bar for fathers. Would you go out till 5am getting hammered once a month atm? I’m going to guess it’s a no, so why do you think it’s ok for fathers?

it’s difficult to advise here op. Obviously Yanbu for your children to make normal children noise on a weekend morning. But I fear you have far bigger problems if either of you think what he did was remotely acceptable given you have a baby together.

I remember reading posts on here where the OP would get called controlling if they had an issue with their partner going out. So I just wanted some outside opinion on what is considered reasonable here. I’ve tried raising it with him before and he doesn’t see the issue with whether he’s out till 2 or 5. And doesn’t see why he needs to tell me his whereabouts when he’s out. I don’t need to know his exact whereabouts. But I also don’t see what’s wrong with telling me where you are if it’s 4am and I haven’t heard from him?

op - the problem is that you have had a baby with a cunt. No, it isn’t ‘controlling’ to expect a parent to be able to do their share of parenting, that is a word used by incredibly selfish parents to gaslight the other parent (you) so that they get to do whatever they want and you don’t. The easiest way to think about this op is …
would you do this?
as that’s a no, think about why you wouldn’t. It’s exactly the same for him.
of course the lying is also completely unacceptable. None of this is.

Going out once a month, no problem.

Going out at 9pm once kids in bed, great assuming he's parented until this point

Having a lie in also no problem - make sure you have one then following weekend.

Keeping kids quiet first thing reasonable, again assuming he doesn't the same for you the following week.

Bringing men back to stay - not acceptable

Him going out is annoying but not especially a problem. The issue is that not only is he not sharing the childcare but he's actively making it harder for you. I presume he doesn't leap up at noon and become super dad to make up for your difficult morning.

And he's losing that time just you as a core family.

I would have sooo many issues with this. Firstly letting you know what’s happening is just basic courtesy- I used to hate waking up in a panic at 2 am thinking my DH should be back and he is nowhere to be seen. A simple message to say he won’t be back til late will sort that out. Secondly getting disturbed when they come back in is not fun - I used to then be wide awake and struggle to get back to sleep but then you’re still left getting the kids up on the morning. Thirdly why do you have to have to be the accommodation for his friends - I would not be ok with this and then feeling like I had to tread on eggshells in the morning. Fourthly his reluctance to tell you where he ends up - at that time in the morning I would say strip clubs.

sounds like someone really needs to grow up and start being more considerate. And there is no way I would be keeping my kids quiet in the morning! Maybe if you make it unbearable you won’t have so many house guests in the future!

Yes maybe you’re right. I think he still views every other weekend as his free weekend as he wouldn’t go out when he has older kids, even if he could get a sitter. His time with them never get affected. So I used to think I can’t stop him going out just because I have my kids 100% of the time and I don’t really have childcare support. Once I’m not breastfeeding I know that he would stay in with the kids if I wanted to go out. Which I think is why I’m questioning it, as he’d he ok with it. That’s not my thing though and I wouldn’t ever go out that late

Obligatory "what have I just read"!

Do you have shared finances? Either way I guarantee you that some of his money is going on Class As. If he is going to do this every month he needs to stay with his brother / mates and not roll home high / pissed at 5am expecting a lay-in.

Going against the grain here but you said he only goes out about once a month? I wouldn't have a problem with that to be honest. I wouldn't be keeping kids quiet though, I'd just carry on as normal, if he's hungover then that's his problem! In.my experience, most blokes can sleep through an earthquake when they're pissed!

How can you afford to have 5 dc between you and one of you having massive nights out every other week? That money could be being spent on a nicer life for all of you instead of being literally pissed up the wall. I don’t know any dads who are going out on regular benders tbh and I wouldn’t think positively about one who did, especially with a baby at home. To answer your question if the dc wake up these dickheads, so what, unless you are afraid of what might happen?

I’d let the DC loose on the tambourine and drums with bedroom door wide open at 6am. Then I’d LTB for all the reasons given above.

The problem with the first 4 paragraphs is that that would apply only in a healthy, equal relationship with a parent who normally parents, and they share it equally. It’s very clear that this relationship isn’t one on those - the lying, the dismissal of the ops wants, the fact that the op doesn’t know her self worth. This isn’t a relationship where next weekend (or when breastfeeding finishes) the op is ever going to announce ‘my turn now, you’ve had 6 evenings out, I’m going on holiday with my friends for a week.’

He is welcome to go out. You are welcome to start doing normal wholesome activities in the morning such as turning all the saucepans in the kitchen into a drumkit.

Going out on occasion is fine. Dh and I both go out and do things we enjoy. I don’t drink though. But family life continues whether you’ve been out the night before or not. Dh is up with the kids same as me, taking the dog out, sorting the house. There is no lying in, except on special occasions like a birthday, because you couldn’t get yourself to bed at a reasonable time.

In fact, dh often meets his friends at a campsite and they all stay overnight so as not to wake any of the wives and children up coming home and then they’re all packed up and home by 8/9am to take over and give us a break since we were the ones solo parenting the night before.

You’ve just had a baby together op. He really should know that, and shouldn’t need to be told his life has to change now. Also, it’s very easy for him to say that you could do it too, when he knows full well you wouldn’t. If you did, I would hazard a guess he wouldn’t be very pleased.

He’s lying to you, end of.