AIBU to stop keeping the children quiet after his late nights?

[HelloAllHere]

Two issues really but I think the first one I am probably being unreasonable about. I have two young kids full time. My partner has 2 older kids 50%. And we have a baby together. On the weekends we don’t have his older kids, he will sometimes have his mates over and they’ll go out drinking. Usually not coming back till 4-5am in the morning. That annoys me but I don’t really know why. I think it’s just us being different people. I did that when I was young/in my 20s. Now at 39 a night out for me would be like 2am max (but I don’t go out drinking) Plus I don’t understand where he ends up at till that time. He’ll say he went to such and such (which closes at 1am) yet still takes him 3-4 hours to come home so that clearly isn’t where he ended up. He will also always say he’s just going out for 1/2 drinks as well which annoys me as I know that’s not true. So I don’t get why don’t just say it will be a late one. As I then don’t hear from him till he’s home when sometimes he’s specifically said he will be going to somewhere that say closes at 11pm. It used to worry me but now I know to just not expect him until I’m nearly waking up! But I do think it’s rude to not even check in or is that just me?
My kids wake up around 6am so usually I will try and keep them a bit quieter in the morning, more so for his mate/brother or whoever. Or take them out till lunchtime. But I’m getting a bit sick of it now and feel I shouldn’t have to do that. Although he does only go out once a month. He doesn’t ask me to keep them quiet to be fair, but I also don’t think they’d be too happy if I just let the kids burst in on them or wake them up. They usually crash downstairs when they get in which is obviously where my kids all are in the morning (theres a downstairs bedroom) So AIBU to just let my kids carry on as if they weren’t here and potentially wake them up when they’ve only had an hours sleep?

I rarely ever did when I was younger, and if I did I was at someone’s house. Never still at a bar/club at 5am. But I have no clue what nights out are like these days. Haven’t been for over a year but then I was still home for 1am. To me that’s late enough when you’ve got kids at home.
So we only moved in together a few months before baby was born. I don’t think he went out before DS arrived other than a wedding which was overnight somewhere. He’s 6 months old now and he’s been going out since he was 1 month old I’d say. Pre moving in I didn’t think he went out too much but I guess I don’t really know. And couldn’t say until when.

I remember reading posts on here where the OP would get called controlling if they had an issue with their partner going out.

It's controlling to tell your partner what they can and cannot do.

It's not controlling to expect your partner to be a present and capable parent.

You can't tell him what to do but you can tell him what you're going to do. You can say this is not what I expected when we decided to have a baby together. I did not expect you to be out until 6am and for me to have no idea where you are or what you are doing. I did not expect you to be unable to parent your own child the next day due to your drinking, drugs and all nighters. I am re-thinking the situation I am now in and whether it is worth continuing with this relationship.

He can then decide what he wants to do about that. He can change his behaviour and step up to his parenting role or he can carry on being a dead beat dad. It's his choice.

You speak. You wait. You watch. If nothing changes, end it. Or accept it. Whichever you prefer.

Tgey do tend to go out later and stay out later nowadays but that’s not the point. I’d not be impressed either with that frequency, but if you are going to be ok about him going out then there is no point in pressing him to tell you where he is at 4am. Either you are ok or you aren’t.

I’d certainly not be making any effort to quieten the kids in the morning though. Natural consequences and all that.

Just read your update. What changed when ds was one month old in that why does he do it now so often but not before?

Does he happily tell you the next day where he went at those times or is he cagey? It does sound a bit strange and worrying.

Maybe. I have tried to talk to him before though and it hasn’t changed. It was either communicate better or stay elsewhere and he has decided he will stay at his mates in future. To me that says something if he’d rather do that than tell me where he’s going on a night out. Whether that means anything more I don’t know yet so I suppose we do need another talk. But I do think it’s better that he’s not here. The next day he doesn’t help much with the kids anyway and I don’t feel at home with his mates here. Nothing wrong with them but I’m more comfortable once they’ve gone.

Take him up on his offer. Go out and stay out until the next morning - either genuinely go out with friends or crash at a mates house or pay for a hotel - preferably in cash so he has no idea where you are. Pretend you’ve stayed up all night. Rock up the next day and spend the day lounging around in bed.

It’s easy to say you are okay with it when it’s hypothetical and he thinks you would never do it. You may find when you do it he’s not so keen.

If you do it and he accuses you of cheating remember people often judge others by their own standards.

But I feel there’s a difference between knowing your partner has gone to such and such until 4am, than not knowing his whereabouts at all and him being reluctant to tell you the next morning. For example today his response was telling me it was too early for questions. Before he has told me a certain bar that I know closes at 1am. So that doesn’t explain to me why he’s not home until 4.30am. So yes I would be ok with him going out if I knew where he typically goes and actually communicated that he would be out late. I’m not thrilled that it’s until 5am but I guess I can’t police him too much.

Bloody hell, at least two women have opted to have children with this tosser?

I don’t know what’s changed. As I said we weren’t living together for long before DS was born, so this could have been the norm for him. If not then I guess only he can answer that. He’s not really talking to me right now though.
And no he’s never particularly happy for me to ask him where he’s been. He does usually answer though other than today. Whether it’s the truth though I don’t know. But if not then he could easily lie and tell me somewhere. I wouldn’t know. So not sure that means he’s doing anything dodgy

I actually can’t do it right now though due to breastfeeding. He won’t take a bottle so I won’t make him upset just to test him. But maybe when he’s older if we last that long!

Balls to that. Let the kids burst in on him, self inflicted! As for the time difference in what he's reporting to you, 100% that is down to drugs.

What does this loser actually add to yours and your children’s lives? And why can’t he tell you where he goes til all hours?

He sounds awful. You don’t have to put up with this.

It will be columbian marching powder for sure. It’s everywhere too.

Why are you inflicting this on your poor kids?!

You just don’t know and I would assume present performance indicates past practice. Why did you get pregnant with him and move in together? I don’t mean that in a critical way I just mean what was your goal in blending families with this man? He’s just very selfish and at s different stage of life.

' if they weren’t here and potentially wake them up when they’ve only had an hours sleep?'

who is ' them '

is he bringing a mate home with him ?

otherwise why has he turned into plural ?

or does he sleep with his older children and you don't want all your children waking them all ?

I wonder why his relationship with his older childrens mother broke down...

Yes sorry I thought I’d said that. He will always have a mate here, sometimes two. And they will sleep downstairs

Because other than this issue, there has been nothing else wrong in our relationship. And I didn’t know this was going to be an issue. He made it seem like he rarely went out. He seemed to more often stay at home and drink with mates. Like I said unless I just didn’t know as how would I. I didn’t see him every day. So maybe he just didn’t tell me. Or it is a new thing.

Do you go out till 5 in the morning?
Maybe try it and leave him with the kids.
When he asks where you’ve been say why does it matter!?

I'd stop worrying about what other people think is controlling. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This is between you and him.

But since you ask, no, I would definitely not be okay with my husband going out until 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning and not even telling me where he was going to be. If nothing else, I would want to be able to reach him in the case of an emergency.

He's acting like he doesn't have to be a responsible parent for your shared child, so I would very quickly disabuse him of that idea. I also wouldn't stop the children from making a normal amount of noise in their own home. If he doesn't like it he can crash with a friend, I suppose. Or possibly even come home at a decent hour.

Younger years yes. 40 odd year old male with 5 kids? Cocaine

This. It would be kitchen disco time in our house. Pots, pans, wooden spoons and metal ladles to the ready.

My DH works late quite often (early hours of the morning), and while he sleeps late afterwards the kids and I certainly don't tiptoe around him.

Also, turn the lights on when you all get up, pull the curtains back and tell his mates that they need to be out of the lounge downstairs as you and the kids need to use it.

I think you need to lay it out VERY clearly - very calmly lay out exactly what the facts are and why you consider it very strange that he won’t explain where the unaccounted for time is. That you have no problem him going out but disappearing for hours in the middle of the night and then refusing to say where he was, is not something you’re going to put up with going forward as you’re going to have to presume it’s not good. So he either says it or gets out - you are not being unreasonable AT ALL AT ALL

• you went out at 9/10 - I presume you were in X/Y/Z pub
• those pubs close at 11
• there are 3 places that open from 11-2 am; A/B/C
• those 3 places all close at 2
• you come home at 5
• if you can’t or won’t account for those 3 hours, I will have to assume you are either in a woman’s house or somewhere so off your face you don’t need to sleep until 5am at which point you crawl into bed

I really think at this stage he needs to account for that time, and I think you need to stop accepting it and really, really follow through with it one way or the other or else he’ll spend the next 30 years walking all over you

If he is only going out once a month that wouldn’t bother me.
I also don’t need to know where he is or what time he will be back as long as he allows you the same freedom.
i would not want hungover men clogging up the living room so tell him no sleepovers.
i would not keep the kids quiet. They can use living room as normal even if it wakes your DP.

You had a baby with a problem drinker and you are wondering if your other children should tiptoe around him and his drunken mates in their own home...

Where is your self respect?