AIBU to stop keeping the children quiet after his late nights?

[HelloAllHere]

Two issues really but I think the first one I am probably being unreasonable about. I have two young kids full time. My partner has 2 older kids 50%. And we have a baby together. On the weekends we don’t have his older kids, he will sometimes have his mates over and they’ll go out drinking. Usually not coming back till 4-5am in the morning. That annoys me but I don’t really know why. I think it’s just us being different people. I did that when I was young/in my 20s. Now at 39 a night out for me would be like 2am max (but I don’t go out drinking) Plus I don’t understand where he ends up at till that time. He’ll say he went to such and such (which closes at 1am) yet still takes him 3-4 hours to come home so that clearly isn’t where he ended up. He will also always say he’s just going out for 1/2 drinks as well which annoys me as I know that’s not true. So I don’t get why don’t just say it will be a late one. As I then don’t hear from him till he’s home when sometimes he’s specifically said he will be going to somewhere that say closes at 11pm. It used to worry me but now I know to just not expect him until I’m nearly waking up! But I do think it’s rude to not even check in or is that just me?
My kids wake up around 6am so usually I will try and keep them a bit quieter in the morning, more so for his mate/brother or whoever. Or take them out till lunchtime. But I’m getting a bit sick of it now and feel I shouldn’t have to do that. Although he does only go out once a month. He doesn’t ask me to keep them quiet to be fair, but I also don’t think they’d be too happy if I just let the kids burst in on them or wake them up. They usually crash downstairs when they get in which is obviously where my kids all are in the morning (theres a downstairs bedroom) So AIBU to just let my kids carry on as if they weren’t here and potentially wake them up when they’ve only had an hours sleep?

Him going out is fine. But he's not pulling his weight with the baby, that's the issue. If you're breastfeeding he can bring the baby to you for a feed on the days when it's his turn to get up, and then take baby downstairs while you go back to sleep.

Please don’t waste any more of your life in this way.

By all means get angry. Don't do it by letting your children run amok with grown ass men who are still drunk and have only had an hour's sleep.

They are people, not pawns in this game. I think they need to be protected from seeing this as normal just like his older kids are. You are right that he is treating you badly. Get angry but sort it out as an adult, don't play games with him.

Er no. This is not on. Why are his mates crashing at your house.
There is no way in this earth I'd be creeping around trying to be quiet. I'd be up bright and early and possibly getting the hoovering done.

If he can't cope with family life continuing tough shit.

He needs to get up and be present in the morning and helping with the baby.

My husband loves a lie in a s it has caused quite a bit of resentment over the years but I certainly would not be stopping family life beyond it.

Also op, I would say that a man only having his children from a previous relationship EOW is a red flag. That’s only a little bit over 10% of the time, he has left 90% of the parenting to his ex whilst he goes out on bi-weekly benders as if he’s not a parent. That isn’t what good parents do. Of course he is attentive to them in the little time he has them, I would have thought that the absolute bare minimum if you haven’t seen your own children for 12 days.

He has them nearly 50%. So we have them 2/3 days in the week as well

Going out is one thing, being unfit for parenting the next day is another.

I would be ok with him going out if I knew where he was until that time. Does that make me controlling? We don’t live in a city where there are multiple bars/clubs open until really late. I literally don’t know anywhere that’s open past 2am bar the casino, a gay club, and maybe strip clubs if there are any.

That’s good then. Is he parenting his baby 50% of the time that he’s not at work too? (Outside of breastfeeding)

If anything I’d be encouraging the kids to make as much noise as possible. Here, let’s get the drum kit out Alfie! 😂

Once a month big nights out ok, though I wouldn't be keeping the kids quiet and if they didn't like it they would be welcome to stay somewhere else. In fact isn't it someone else's turn to be the crash pad by now? Do you give them coffee or breakfast or something?

Never getting up with the kids - not ok and don't let this go on a moment longer. If you do,don't be surprised if it's then a problem later when you want to go out or just want a lie in, 'they won't settle for me'.

amd can you clarify - is it him looking after his children on the weekdays that they’re with you?

No op, that does not make you controlling. That means that you want a respectful relationship where you treat each others with manners.

it is him, he takes them to school and their activities etc. we take it in turns to cook. I can’t generally fault his parenting at any other time

With his older kids anyway

Ah ok, maybe he’s more reasonable that I had gleaned from your op. Back to your original point then - no to lying, no to bringing mates back, no to pretending you’re controlling when you ask for courtesy, yes to letting your children be children in the mornings.

Buy the kids a drum kit.

Where's the drum kit? It's alot of pressure on you, constantly telling the kids to be quiet, they're kids, thats what they do. I would intentionally make loud noises...When do you get a lie in???

@HelloAllHerecocaine 100%. No one stays out that late without it. He’ll be back at someone’s house doing it

Why can’t he go to his mates house and sleep on their sofa? Why can’t they go home???? They are all clearly at the strip club taking drugs till the early hours!!

get rid of this arsehole! You can do better and your kids deserve better than to see that in Their house all the time!

Would you expect your partner/husband to let you know where they’re going on a night out and an approximate time they’d be back/if a couple of drinks was going to turn into several hours out?

His mates etc do all live far away. Like an hour or more so I understand why they stay. My partner rarely ever goes to stay with them. I think maybe because our house is bigger, don’t really know. I think I should suggest this to him though

Hold up, he’s bringing home random mates and/or his brother? Don’t think I’d like that much and no, you shouldn’t have to keep the kids quiet, they live there! He says he’ll be home by 2, then tough if it’s actually 5 (where the bloody hell does he go til then?) and they’re as.eep when the children get up. You shouldn’t have to control the dc, given there are 5 of them and he’s chosen to go out, get roaring drunk then not come home til stupid o’clock.

I'm not in a position to answer that because DH had become a grown up responsible adult before DD was born.

I don't understand why men decide to have children before getting this immature irresponsible behaviour out of their system.

Going out for a few drinks with mates and getting home this side of midnight is fine. Going out, getting wasted, probably indulging in drugs/going to a casino/strip club then rolling in at 5 am with a load of drunk/drugged up mates is inconsiderate, selfish and immature behaviour.

That you even need to ask if you are being unreasonable is worrying, because you aren't the unreasonable one, your partner who is behaving like a freshers student is.

I definitely would not ask the children to be quiet and tiptoe around. Let them get up early and get on with their usual early morning activities. Maybe if it bothers him so much he will learn from it, although I very much doubt it.

No I wouldn’t. I also don’t tell him.
By now I’d just assume he’s going to be late and not expect him home.
If it’s only once a month I really don’t see the big deal.

Don’t spend the next day trying to keep the kids out of the way though, he’ll cope.