AIBU to stop keeping the children quiet after his late nights?

[HelloAllHere]

Two issues really but I think the first one I am probably being unreasonable about. I have two young kids full time. My partner has 2 older kids 50%. And we have a baby together. On the weekends we don’t have his older kids, he will sometimes have his mates over and they’ll go out drinking. Usually not coming back till 4-5am in the morning. That annoys me but I don’t really know why. I think it’s just us being different people. I did that when I was young/in my 20s. Now at 39 a night out for me would be like 2am max (but I don’t go out drinking) Plus I don’t understand where he ends up at till that time. He’ll say he went to such and such (which closes at 1am) yet still takes him 3-4 hours to come home so that clearly isn’t where he ended up. He will also always say he’s just going out for 1/2 drinks as well which annoys me as I know that’s not true. So I don’t get why don’t just say it will be a late one. As I then don’t hear from him till he’s home when sometimes he’s specifically said he will be going to somewhere that say closes at 11pm. It used to worry me but now I know to just not expect him until I’m nearly waking up! But I do think it’s rude to not even check in or is that just me?
My kids wake up around 6am so usually I will try and keep them a bit quieter in the morning, more so for his mate/brother or whoever. Or take them out till lunchtime. But I’m getting a bit sick of it now and feel I shouldn’t have to do that. Although he does only go out once a month. He doesn’t ask me to keep them quiet to be fair, but I also don’t think they’d be too happy if I just let the kids burst in on them or wake them up. They usually crash downstairs when they get in which is obviously where my kids all are in the morning (theres a downstairs bedroom) So AIBU to just let my kids carry on as if they weren’t here and potentially wake them up when they’ve only had an hours sleep?

You’re making a lot of assumptions in this post!

I’m a grown up with a responsible job, pay bills etc but I still like to go out and have fun.

This is really depressing to read. I don't know anyone who would allow pissed men to crash post bender in a home full of small children. Gross, inappropriate, possibly not safe.

If he was coming home from a night shift and needed sleep absolutely keep the house quite if he’s fucking off and getting wasted with his mates no way! Family life goes on as normal!!

He sounds like he’s living the life of a single 20 something. Apart from anything else 3 kids (+2) is expensive. If my husband was out till the wee hours more than once or twice a year ( Christmas do say and one other) , I’d worry and think it wasn’t reasonable.

After this thread I tried speaking to him about it again (he was out last night which prompted it). He thinks I’m just annoyed in general about him going out. Does not see my point at all that I don’t know where he is or what time he’ll be back (about) or that he’s basically unreachable when he’s out. He says he wouldn’t be bothered if it was the other way around. That might be true as I don’t get how he can’t even see my point of view even if he doesn’t agree with it. So he’s pissed with me now! He doesn’t see the problem as in his words, he always comes home. So ended up agreeing that he will go elsewhere when he wants a night out since he has such an issue with communicating with me about it. Not sure why he doesn’t see that goes against his argument of me just having a problem with him being out in general. But as others have said, I don’t want the kids growing up seeing hungover men here all the time, and wondering why they can’t talk to daddy some mornings whilst he’s recovering!

@HelloAllHere he is behaving like a single bloke. The whole binge drinking and getting wasted thing is for those without parental responsibility. You have 3 kids in the house.

I wouldn't want my kids living in a house with someone who thinks its OK to grt wasted like that.

Massive turn off for me.

When do YOU get time to go out with your mates?

Poor children.
What a drunken loser.

😆

OP Does he go to work and what does he do ?

So he is defensive, uncompromising, and acts shitty to you as soon as you express a reasonable need? That should tell you a lot.

I would not accept this behavior in a 39 year old man and his drink/drug mates. You will have 70 year old drunken mates sleeping over in 30 years if you don’t rethink this now.

He does work full time in a professional job

I’m a grown up with a responsible job, pay bills etc but I still like to go out and have fun

I think you have misunderstood my post @lookatmylife

he is behaving like a single bloke. The whole binge drinking and getting wasted thing is for those without parental responsibility. You have 3 kids in the house.

@SunnyRedSnail has summed it up pretty well here ^^

Neither of us gave up drinking, going out with mates and having fun. However, we weren't behaving like the OP's partner.

It is entirely possible to have fun and not stay out until 5 am.

But you have a child together, his parenting responsibilities don’t stop with his two oldest.

Id have no real issue with a monthly night out, coming home at 4/5am and crashing in the public areas of the house is a big issue and I wouldn’t have my kids tip toeing round their own home to accommodate it. I’d also want a proper answer to where he is after the pubs close.

I've stayed out late in my younger years. Never did drugs. Not everyone is the same....

But, yes, 5am when you have a young family is crazy!....and him not wanting to share where he's been is a big red flag

Yanbu and he's clearly taking coke.

He's not in his younger years though is he.

So he can behave like a grown up at work and when he has his older children but when it's just you, your kids and your joint child at home, he lives the life of a single man, binge drinking and getting home in the early hours of the morning and bringing his pissed mates back to your house?

He basically leaves the care of the baby completely up to you. Obviously, his excuse for this will be that you are breastfeeding but there is still a lot he could do to help with the baby but he doesn't want to do that. He sounds very disappointing.

Yes basically. maybe he feels that he’s done his share of parenting when he’s got his older kids. I don’t know. I never really knew how late he’d stay out before I lived with him so this might be the norm for him. I can’t understand it myself. Like why doesn’t he go out earlier, say 8pm until 2. Unless it’s just me as that hasn’t been my life for quite a while! And people nowadays do stay out until 5?
Still not sure what to make of it, but at least for now he will hopefully go stay elsewhere.

Yes my husband will let me no what bar his in between moving bars ( not that he goes out often ) it’s just rube other wise . MN always surprises me with how inconsiderate some ppl ( Normally men are )

Like hell is this acceptable! I would be putting a stop to the stay overs at my house immediately. No way would I want my DC to have to put up with drunk and hungover adult men taking up the house until noon twice per month.

I agree with other posters as well - they are definitely on coke to be up and about until 3-5am, without a doubt. Have seen it a lot in one of my social circles with mid 30s to late 40s men

I never really knew how late he’d stay out before I lived with him

Was he like this before you got pregnant?

And people nowadays do stay out until 5?

No-one I know does, but I am older than you. DD is 26 and neither she nor her friends do either. Yet we all know how to have fun.

The trend these days is to go out earlier and go home earlier - bottomless brunches, afternoon drinking etc then public transport home because it is still running. Our local town centre is dead by 10pm even on weekends unless there is an event on.

I'm not sure him staying elsewhere is actually better.

I think you need to wait until both calm again and have a proper discussion about it. I think staying out late isn't the worst thing once a month. I would want to know where he's going until the morning though.

It's quite important that he doesn't just brush off your concerns.