AIBU to rethink old friends after they reacted badly to delayed flight and prioritising my family?

[WhiteDress86]

I (40F) am originally from an Asian country but moved to the UK a few years ago after meeting my English husband (40M). We now have a 4-year-old daughter.

I have a small, close-knit group of friends from secondary school: two women (Mary and Susan) and one man (James), all around 40. We've known each other for decades and have been there for many of life's major milestones. I was a bridesmaid at Mary's wedding, and Susan was my maid of honour. I consider them my core group of friends.

Since moving to the UK, I've been taking my daughter back to my home country roughly every six months because my parents still live there. I'm an only child, so it's important to me that my daughter gets plenty of time with her grandparents, especially as they are getting older. I also try to arrange meetups with my friends while we're there, but because everyone works full-time and our schedules are difficult to coordinate, it's not always possible for all of us to meet together. Sometimes we manage a group meetup; other times, I see them individually.

This trip, however, has left me extremely disappointed in my friends.

Because of the insane cost of airfare, I decided to try a new airline with a very short connection in Frankfurt. Unfortunately, we missed the connecting flight and were rebooked onto the next flight, which was 24 hours later.

The original plan was:
1/8: Land in my home country
2/8 evening: Meet my friends and their children

Because of the missed connection, I didn't actually arrive until 2/8. When I realised we'd missed the flight, I initially told my friends that I could still meet them because I could take a taxi directly from the airport to the venue, which was only about 15 minutes away.

However, just before landing, I reconsidered. My parents were coming to pick us up, and after a 14-hour flight, plus an additional 24 hours of waiting around at the airport while entertaining a 4-year-old, I was completely exhausted. I decided that it made more sense to go home with my parents and let my daughter spend her first evening with her grandparents rather than immediately going to meet my friends.

I texted the group to ask if we could reschedule.

I was immediately met with anger. They accused me of ruining their plans and being flaky and unreliable. I explained that our flight had been delayed by 24 hours, that we'd spent an exhausting additional day travelling and waiting around with a young child, and that I wanted my daughter to spend some time with her grandparents.
Instead of understanding, the animosity continued.

Mary, who is also a mother, said that my daughter had two weeks with her grandparents, so this pre-scheduled meeting should take priority. I reminded her that the situation had changed because of the 24-hour flight delay and that both my daughter and I were exhausted. I also said that I hoped she could understand why family came first in this situation.

Susan then chimed in with: "PM us individually to meet up and we decide if our schedules are free."

At that point, I left the group chat. I feel like the friendship is effectively over.

I do acknowledge that I probably should have told them immediately, when I first missed the connection, that I wouldn't be able to make the meetup rather than initially saying I could still attend and then changing my mind. I genuinely wasn't thinking clearly at that point, though. I'd just spent an exhausting day trying to navigate an airport with a 4-year-old and get us onto another flight.

What really upset me was the extent of their reaction. I expected some disappointment because they'd made plans, but I didn't expect what felt like anger, accusations and a complete lack of sympathy for the circumstances.

James, the male friend in the group, defended me in the chat and has been supportive. My husband also feels that my friends' reaction was unnecessarily harsh.

So, AIBU? More generally, how could I or my friends have handled this situation better? Was I unreasonable for prioritising my daughter and elderly parents after a 24-hour travel delay, or were my friends justified in being upset because I had already committed to the plans?

Are there any other instances where you have cancelled plans with them?

Yes it would have been better to have cancelled earlier. I also think your wording that you wanted your daughter to see her grandparents and family take priority is a bit odd, even though I know what you mean.

Ultimately you were both tired after a delayed journey and thats the main reason you couldn't meet.

Im half and half here , while you had no control over the airline , you did understand that it was a long flight and had arranged to go straight to meet them , then said at the last minute wasn’t going to.

while things change , they also had to arrange their lives to meet with you , and last minute it’s changed. While of course you put your family first , your time isn’t more valuable than theirs.

now obviously I don’t know you , but it sounds from their reaction that it isn’t the first time.

Or maybe they had a surprise for you that’s cost money /time and is now spoiled.

I'm with them, sorry.
You communicated that you would still keep the dinner appointment.

Just because you have a mobile phone does not mean that you can cancel with short notice. That was beyond rude.
Your friends had arranged their schedules around dining with you.

You need to apologise sincerely.
You had not had an accident.
You were not extremely sick.
You knew you would be slightly late and your friends were stlll accommodating. Then you pulled the pin!

It is never okay to change an agreed meeting at short notice except for an emergency.
It is also never okay to back out of a prior engagement to accept another one.

In this case you should have cancelled as soon as you missed the flight and you should have asked your friends to suggest another time and place, understanding that they might not be able to see you at all.

I think unless you've lived away from home and made all the trips back home like this you just don't understand the effort and exhaustion involved. And I only live a 3 hour journey from home but even that means I have to prioritize going home for holidays etc and therefore other holidays don't get considered.

You've flown half way around the world with a 4 yr old and do it regularly, have they ever flown to you? Because the road goes both ways.rest and sleep on it and try to discuss because old friendships are often worth keeping through ups and downs. Perhaps they had taken time off work or struggled to arrange childcare to go out, hard to be sure why they are so upset.

I hope it all works out

You should really have told them right away.

and then you told them they weren’t your priority during your visit. Which is natural but must’ve stung them.

You do appear quite flakey and also a bit daft for scheduling friends for the first weekend you’re back.. I’d apologise massively, try and get other plans in the diary and be clear that in future you’ll be more thoughtful at timing them when you’re more likely to be settled.

If you asked them to reschedule just before landing, and had originally planned to get a taxi straight from arrivals to the venue, you cancelled very last minute - they would have possibly already got themselves ready, paid babysitter, set off to the venue themselves. I can see why they are pissed off. A sincere apology is due OP. Totally understandable you were exhausted but you over promised here, realistically you were never going to make the meet up, or enjoy the meet up, with an overtired 4 year old.

Sorry but you messed them around quite badly by cancelling at the last minute.

They have lives and would have made arrangements or possibly foregone other plans in order to meet up with you.

To be met with a last-minute cancellation and then a preachy comment about how family comes first must have left them wondering why they bothered.

Plus, as a general point of planning, you cut it quite fine by making plans for your second night back. It isn’t uncommon for travel to be delayed or to feel rough after a journey so perhaps it’s best to build in some leeway?

You are not unreasonable for cancelling, but you should've done it earlier (which you acknowledge)

I'd say you're unreasonable for leaving the chat. They can't change last minute, they're annoyed, that's fine. Just arrange to meet them individually.

Unfortunately yes im not known to be reliable

It’s not about prioritising family, that’s an odd way of expressing this, it’s about exhaustion after a long journey.

You were crazy to think you could leap off a 14-hour flight with a 4yo straight into a social event. Poor child. You should have let them know as soon as the flight was delayed. Though, they should have recognised this too. Are your brains all still in your early twenties, with only yourselves to think about, when you meet?

So were I them I’d find the late change of mind annoying. But also the irrelevant line about wanting to prioritise your family - which is really just rubbing salt in the wound and makes something accidental sound like a deliberate snub.

You’ve said that they overreacted, and you are right about that.
However, don’t you think it’s a huge overreaction on your part to end the friendship over one blip? It’s like, one strike and you’re out!
I’m also wondering if there is something you haven’t told us, such as cancelling on them before.
Anyway, I don’t blame you for being shocked and disappointed at their reaction. But we’re not in high school so don’t do anything rash. Let it blow over and talk again when calm and common sense have taken hold.

Also sounds like you hadn’t communicated clearly with your parents, given the ‘get a taxi to venue’ idea had been replaced with ‘parents picking us up’ before you’d even made your own mind up. Sounds like you had two plans running in parallel and hadn’t let your parents know not to come - then used them as an excuse to your friends.

YABU then. If this was the first time then they probably wouldn’t have reacted that way. If you’re known to be unreliable, you said you were still going then last minute you told them you wanted to prioritize family and you weren’t coming then im not surprised they acted how they did. You weren’t being a good friend.

Ok, so it’s not just about this one time. What an annoying drip-feed 🙄

Which they've but up with for many years, it seems. You on the other hand, want to go nuclear after one negative reaction (despite it being at least partly due to how you handled it).

Well this the reason. Seems like you cancelling on them last minute is the latest in a line of times you’ve disrespected their time, Their anger is valid.

This. Why would your parental be at the airport if you were going a 15 minute taxi ride away?
Sounds to me you cancelled when they were literally at waiting for you in the restaurant. That is not acceptable.
You need to apologise ir lose the friendship.

Well if you've done similar before, maybe more than once, then their reaction becomes more understandable.

You were unreasonable to even consider attending a meet up straight from a flight after all that travelling and should have texted to reschedule as soon as you missed the flight. At the point you cancelled they'd likely already got their DC ready and the kids were probably excited.

i guess you’ll have to apologise and hope they accept and stop messing people around! Your time is not more important than theirs.
it was clear from the start you‘d be too tired why let them believe you’d come. So weird and unnecessary. No wonder they are annoyed!

If you’re going to use AI to post, at least make it appear realistic.

you were “extremely disappointed “ in your friends?

I imagine that they have been extremely disappointed in you for some time and this was the final straw. You really messed them around, and not for the first time. You travel often, you know you’ll be exhausted, you know what young kids are like travelling, you know you’re unreliable, and you messed your friends around. You should have planned better and cancelled sooner.

I don't think you were unreasonable to cancel in the circumstances, and I think they've overreacted, but your overreaction to end the friendship over this is much much worse! Just meet them separately this time!

I would be very annoyed, because your reasoning doesn't make sense. There is a difference between unable to go and being unwilling to go.

"I'm absolutely spent, unable to keep my eyes open" - that would be close to health emergency. Nothing you can do about it.

"I want my daughter to spend some time with her grandparents." - was your daughter supposed to go to the meeting with you? Or would your parents get her home and you'd come later, so she would have spend the time with them anyway?

I agree. You thought you would have the energy to meet them but discovered you didn't, and needed to go straight to bed . Nothing to do with prioritising family. That phrase might have been what annoyed them. I hope you can sort it out with them.