AIBU to rethink old friends after they reacted badly to delayed flight and prioritising my family?

[WhiteDress86]

I (40F) am originally from an Asian country but moved to the UK a few years ago after meeting my English husband (40M). We now have a 4-year-old daughter.

I have a small, close-knit group of friends from secondary school: two women (Mary and Susan) and one man (James), all around 40. We've known each other for decades and have been there for many of life's major milestones. I was a bridesmaid at Mary's wedding, and Susan was my maid of honour. I consider them my core group of friends.

Since moving to the UK, I've been taking my daughter back to my home country roughly every six months because my parents still live there. I'm an only child, so it's important to me that my daughter gets plenty of time with her grandparents, especially as they are getting older. I also try to arrange meetups with my friends while we're there, but because everyone works full-time and our schedules are difficult to coordinate, it's not always possible for all of us to meet together. Sometimes we manage a group meetup; other times, I see them individually.

This trip, however, has left me extremely disappointed in my friends.

Because of the insane cost of airfare, I decided to try a new airline with a very short connection in Frankfurt. Unfortunately, we missed the connecting flight and were rebooked onto the next flight, which was 24 hours later.

The original plan was:
1/8: Land in my home country
2/8 evening: Meet my friends and their children

Because of the missed connection, I didn't actually arrive until 2/8. When I realised we'd missed the flight, I initially told my friends that I could still meet them because I could take a taxi directly from the airport to the venue, which was only about 15 minutes away.

However, just before landing, I reconsidered. My parents were coming to pick us up, and after a 14-hour flight, plus an additional 24 hours of waiting around at the airport while entertaining a 4-year-old, I was completely exhausted. I decided that it made more sense to go home with my parents and let my daughter spend her first evening with her grandparents rather than immediately going to meet my friends.

I texted the group to ask if we could reschedule.

I was immediately met with anger. They accused me of ruining their plans and being flaky and unreliable. I explained that our flight had been delayed by 24 hours, that we'd spent an exhausting additional day travelling and waiting around with a young child, and that I wanted my daughter to spend some time with her grandparents.
Instead of understanding, the animosity continued.

Mary, who is also a mother, said that my daughter had two weeks with her grandparents, so this pre-scheduled meeting should take priority. I reminded her that the situation had changed because of the 24-hour flight delay and that both my daughter and I were exhausted. I also said that I hoped she could understand why family came first in this situation.

Susan then chimed in with: "PM us individually to meet up and we decide if our schedules are free."

At that point, I left the group chat. I feel like the friendship is effectively over.

I do acknowledge that I probably should have told them immediately, when I first missed the connection, that I wouldn't be able to make the meetup rather than initially saying I could still attend and then changing my mind. I genuinely wasn't thinking clearly at that point, though. I'd just spent an exhausting day trying to navigate an airport with a 4-year-old and get us onto another flight.

What really upset me was the extent of their reaction. I expected some disappointment because they'd made plans, but I didn't expect what felt like anger, accusations and a complete lack of sympathy for the circumstances.

James, the male friend in the group, defended me in the chat and has been supportive. My husband also feels that my friends' reaction was unnecessarily harsh.

So, AIBU? More generally, how could I or my friends have handled this situation better? Was I unreasonable for prioritising my daughter and elderly parents after a 24-hour travel delay, or were my friends justified in being upset because I had already committed to the plans?

I have a friend who started being flaky. I made a lot of effort sometimes to meet up with her but I’m generally an easy going person and give people slack. One day I just had enough and made it clear it was the last straw. She apologised profusely and said she understood and wouldn’t do it again. I think she mistook my easy going nature with being a doormat. She now always turns up on time.

People often have to reorganise their lives to meet up with you. Don’t be that friend. Your time and effort isn’t more valuable than theirs.

You have form for cancelling they have probably had enough. I appreciate you would be tired and if you gave that excuse fine but saying you wanted child to see family they have 2 weeks with is a little odd and sounds like you were making excuses

You couldn’t even be bothered to read the OP’s two posts, I guess.

Nails every thought I had.

I initially told my friends that I could still meet them because I could take a taxi directly from the airport to the venue, which was only about 15 minutes away.
However, just before landing, I reconsidered. My parents were coming to pick us up,

So you told you friends you would get a taxi to them but also arranged for your parents to collect you?

Or was that just to collect your daughter?

Or you make various plans which will always mean that you cancel on someone?

And this is the nail in the coffin.

You missed this vital part out of your original post and tried to garner sympathy with “elderly parents” and “not thinking clearly” and “so exhausted”… when the important part is that you’ve done this many times to your friends and they are rightfully fed up and done with you.

I would be too, but long before this. I have no time for unreliable people. They’re rude and thoughtless.

It would have been fine to cancel at the point of the missed connection.

It was obscene to decide less than a few hours before meeting to cancel.

Do you realise the.efforts they must have gone to if your schedules can only line up with months of notice? And that they may have been compromising on the timing or venue to suit your flight?

I'm not surprised they're cross. But I am surprised they communicated it so directly. In their shoes, I'd have met with eachother and enjoyed it and then only agree to ad hoc plans when you're in town.

Has any part of you thought to just say sorry and learn and do better at any point over the years or is your reaction always to be defensive and find support for why you're a victim? It all sounds very whiny and "James is on my side. Mumsnet are (half) on my side. Why are my friends soooo mean! Poor me."

It was unreasonable to schedule this meetup on day 2 of your visit given that delays do happen and even with no delay you would still have been zonked out on day 2 after such a long journey

It was HUGELY unreasonable to tell them you would honour the meetup initially, and then flake-out after reconsidering. You should have thought about it properly as soon as the delay happened.

They weren't unreasonable to say that they couldn't necessarily rejig their schedules to find a new time. You are not the main character in their lives.

Of course it's fine to rethink your friendships. Your priority is your own family and it's fine to stick with what works. Don't therefore put them under obligation to share those priorities.

Next time you visit, and on any subsequent occasions, you do the work to identify an appropriate venue, set aside a day that is in the middle of your visit - no earlier than day 5, and you let your friends know that they are welcome to join you there if it is convenient. Those who want to see you will, and no pressure on anyone who can't make it, and if it doesn't work for someone who wants to see you then hopefully it will work out as possible next time. All this drama is unnecessary but based on mismatched priorities so you need to reframe it to something lower pressure where there are no expectations or requirements. No one has to accept your proposal if they have other things to do.

They're pretty self centred and unsympathetic aren't they? Tbh if this was me with a friend, when the friend said we'll still meet, I'd be saying you'll be exhausted let's reschedule. Of course you were trying to not affect their schedule, but why? You must have known you'd be tired. I wonder if you already know your friends are demanding/high maintenance and you were trying to avoid a fall out...

Nonetheless, I'd give it a few days and reach out to them. If they're still snappish then don't meet with them.

Sometimes, in the hardest of times for us, our true friends shine through....

This.

You were the rude one OP.

We had similar with a friend suggesting fun meet up with the kids but then dropping out due to family. I do think in their case the turn around time was too tight really so wasnt about family.

It was madness to think you could go from that length of travel to a dinner with friends, especially with a 4 year old. If you had messaged them immediately to cancel because your flight was late I think they’d have understood.

You know how hard it is to get everyone able to meet when you’re there and yet you admit yourself you’re unreliable. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all for them to suggest you contact them to meet individually while your in country, much easier than trying to coordinate the group again.

I see this so often, the unreliable friend repeatedly messes people about and when they finally push back “the friendships over”. You need to be more respectful of other people’s time.

CoronaperonaShe said she’s not known for being reliable?**
I did miss that, however I did say I was with her ad long as she hadn't been flakey. She has shot herself in the foot !

McSpoot You couldn’t even be bothered to read the OP’s two posts, I guess
Correct! Now are you going to pull everyone else up who said similar to my post or are you just singling me out?

I'm starting to doubt this thread is real as surely nobody can be self aware enough to realise they are flakey but also not understand why their friends are pissed off about it.

You admit you're "not known to be reliable". In this case you missed the connecting flight which caused the 24 hour delay in arrival. You haven't given any good reason for missing the flight so I assume it was your own fault. You didn't communicate with your friends and then you told them you were going straight home with your parents instead of meeting them. Sounds like a shambles and I'm not surprised they're pissed off, especially as you've got previous.

YANBU to have wanted to go straight home from the airport, but YABU to have waited until you landed to let them know.

Presumably they had all made space in their calendars, arranged childcare etc already so it’s frustrating. It can be difficult to establish a clear day between multiple busy people, so suggesting you meet individually makes sense.

Ok, so this is the issue. Are you by any chance still trying to act as if you were single, childless and living locally, instead of the new reality - for example agreeing to do things but finding family life, distance means you have to cancel or was the unreliability from before you moved to the UK? How do you handle cancellations - is it last minute text or giving plenty of notice? That also makes a difference.

Your flight wasn't "delayed", you missed your flight due to bad planning. You twisted the truth to your friends to garner their sympathy, but...you essentially lied to them. Everyone knows that short connections barely work if you travel by yourself, but you're travelling with a family - what on Earth made you think you were going to make this flight on time?

In fact, this whole trip's fiasco comes down to your bad planning, and you leaving things until last minute. Such as clear communicating with your friends. Of course people are going to be pissed when they've gone out of their way to come see you, and you cancel last minute. I suspect this isn't the first time you're pulling stunts like this.

I wouldn't have reacted like your friends did though. I'd just meet with the others as planned and not bother with you again.

Did you miss the connection because you were arsing about?

If you've got form for being unreliable they were probably expecting something to happen but you assured them no, I'll be there then flaked out at the last minute.

I'd be pissed off with you too.

I don't know why you think it's you that should be disappointed in them.

I knew it. Nobody reacts as strongly as your friends did if it's not a reaction to consistently unreliable behaviour. Do better, if you don't want to lose your friends.

Why didn’t you send your daughter with your parents and you get the taxi to the venue to meet them?

Your own bloody fault then 😂

And telling them you'd rather spend time with family was also probably a bit rude. If you'd just said you were all too tired from the delays, that would have been easier to get away with.

However, seeing as you're always unreliable, I'd probably not want to make plans with you again anyway.

The problem is, OP, that, when you're flaky (or 'not known for being reliable') other people see that and are affected by it.

Your friends will give you some leeway for that because you're their friends. But you anticipatnthe flakiness and rather than seeing them being something you look forward to, it starts to become something you make parallel plans around to have a plan B. There is a stress around whether you're going to turn up or petnthem down again. It starts to become something that irritates. It's annoying rather than endearing.

It sounds like this was mentally a last straw for them. If you mess people about, eventually their patience will run out.

You needed to have been really really apologetic, and given them more notice.

They had (from you general info) needed to make a change rideable effort to co ordinate a time they could all be together to meet with you, and instead of apologising you effectively told them their effort was being passed over and they were not a priority

Of course they were irritated (at best)

And you have doubled down by leavjng the group. What they said was that they would make individual arrangements to meet with you but couldn’t do another hard-to/arrange group meet.

But you have taken offence at that.

It sounds as though you genuinely tried to honour a commitment to your friends despite the circumstances turning against you, and you only realised quite late that it was beyond your capacity.

From your friends perspective, you said you could still make it and then changed your mind at short notice, and it isn’t the first time. But a 24-hour flight delay while travelling alone with a four-year-old is an exceptional circumstance.

Once you knew the connection had been missed, it would have been better to manage expectations immediately rather than reassuring everyone that you’d still attend and then later reversing the decision. I know in reality, you were navigating a stressful travel situation with a young child, and it’s understandable that you hoped you could still make it work.

I also wouldn’t have framed it as prioritising your parents and daughter over your friends. The real issue was that an extra 24 hours of travel had left both you and your daughter exhausted and no longer up to a social gathering.

I would apologise for the mixed messages and for cancelling at the last minute.

Beyond that, it may be worth reflecting on whether you sometimes commit to things before properly considering your own capacity and your daughter’s needs. You seem to have been trying very hard to make everyone happy, but the result was no one being happy, sadly. Sometimes the most realistic answer is, “I don’t know if I’ll manage that after a 24-hour travel delay.” And that’s perfectly okay.