AIBU to rethink old friends after they reacted badly to delayed flight and prioritising my family?

[WhiteDress86]

I (40F) am originally from an Asian country but moved to the UK a few years ago after meeting my English husband (40M). We now have a 4-year-old daughter.

I have a small, close-knit group of friends from secondary school: two women (Mary and Susan) and one man (James), all around 40. We've known each other for decades and have been there for many of life's major milestones. I was a bridesmaid at Mary's wedding, and Susan was my maid of honour. I consider them my core group of friends.

Since moving to the UK, I've been taking my daughter back to my home country roughly every six months because my parents still live there. I'm an only child, so it's important to me that my daughter gets plenty of time with her grandparents, especially as they are getting older. I also try to arrange meetups with my friends while we're there, but because everyone works full-time and our schedules are difficult to coordinate, it's not always possible for all of us to meet together. Sometimes we manage a group meetup; other times, I see them individually.

This trip, however, has left me extremely disappointed in my friends.

Because of the insane cost of airfare, I decided to try a new airline with a very short connection in Frankfurt. Unfortunately, we missed the connecting flight and were rebooked onto the next flight, which was 24 hours later.

The original plan was:
1/8: Land in my home country
2/8 evening: Meet my friends and their children

Because of the missed connection, I didn't actually arrive until 2/8. When I realised we'd missed the flight, I initially told my friends that I could still meet them because I could take a taxi directly from the airport to the venue, which was only about 15 minutes away.

However, just before landing, I reconsidered. My parents were coming to pick us up, and after a 14-hour flight, plus an additional 24 hours of waiting around at the airport while entertaining a 4-year-old, I was completely exhausted. I decided that it made more sense to go home with my parents and let my daughter spend her first evening with her grandparents rather than immediately going to meet my friends.

I texted the group to ask if we could reschedule.

I was immediately met with anger. They accused me of ruining their plans and being flaky and unreliable. I explained that our flight had been delayed by 24 hours, that we'd spent an exhausting additional day travelling and waiting around with a young child, and that I wanted my daughter to spend some time with her grandparents.
Instead of understanding, the animosity continued.

Mary, who is also a mother, said that my daughter had two weeks with her grandparents, so this pre-scheduled meeting should take priority. I reminded her that the situation had changed because of the 24-hour flight delay and that both my daughter and I were exhausted. I also said that I hoped she could understand why family came first in this situation.

Susan then chimed in with: "PM us individually to meet up and we decide if our schedules are free."

At that point, I left the group chat. I feel like the friendship is effectively over.

I do acknowledge that I probably should have told them immediately, when I first missed the connection, that I wouldn't be able to make the meetup rather than initially saying I could still attend and then changing my mind. I genuinely wasn't thinking clearly at that point, though. I'd just spent an exhausting day trying to navigate an airport with a 4-year-old and get us onto another flight.

What really upset me was the extent of their reaction. I expected some disappointment because they'd made plans, but I didn't expect what felt like anger, accusations and a complete lack of sympathy for the circumstances.

James, the male friend in the group, defended me in the chat and has been supportive. My husband also feels that my friends' reaction was unnecessarily harsh.

So, AIBU? More generally, how could I or my friends have handled this situation better? Was I unreasonable for prioritising my daughter and elderly parents after a 24-hour travel delay, or were my friends justified in being upset because I had already committed to the plans?

Instead of that long original post you could've just written

'I'm unreliable and often let people down. I cancelled on my friends at the last minute and they're pissed off.'

Well then, no wonder they were pissed off! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Which is it.
you were too tired or family comes first?? (who you were about to have 2wks with).

When you said you d go straight to venue surely you told parents not to come to airport?

child tired is fine. And you too. Totally reasonable.

you claiming families come first is odd and just sounds like a weird defence from you that pissed them off. and that’s what makes you look flakey.

You don't respect your friends Op.

The whole thing was poor planning.

As a one off, a last minute cancellation after a delayed flight should be a minor irritation for your friends and it does sound like they overreacted.

But if this is the last in a long line of flakey and unreliable behaviour, then maybe they have just had enough.

I don’t know about you dropping them, but I would drop you if you let me down more than twice. You have told them that you and your time is more important than them and theirs. Good for them for calling you out on it.

Really? And you’re blaming your friends for you straining their last nerve.

Oh OP 😬 if you were too tired just say that, it's understandable - the family comes first thing is ridiculous, you knew the plans when you said you would still meet them after missing your connection. The only thing that changed in that time was you were more tired than you expected to be, I think this is fine but you should have given more notice. However with the back story I think you're going to need to grovel or write off the friendships.

This was my initial thought.

Is this the straw that broke the camel's back?

i think you should have told them immediately your knew you were not going to arrive at the time you thought that you needed to cancel and reshedule. I dont think saying your DD needed to prioritise seeing her GPs as a reason for cancelling,the reason was due to a missed connection you were delayed and therefore exhausted and needed to reshedule. Cancelling last minute unless unavoidable/emergency situation means you dont value the time of others. As a one off with an apology thats fine but if its a pattern of behaviour and happen regularly most people will object sooner or later.
I would apologise and explain your reason was you were exhausted/jetlagged and dint feel well enough to meet up . if its a one off and they are friends they will calm down.

This.

But also, you're half way around the world making plans as if you're local AND as if you're not a mother. Forget that on delay/cancellation you should have not kept the original meet up - you know that now.

I know my plans would have been - no meet ups the first 4 days of my trip. Also, the other women, whether single or not or mothers or not, would have responsibilities and a change/cancellation may upend their schedules. I need to have things in my diary locked in 2 weeks ahead at the least. But I also understand when my friends aren't available in such circumstances. There's things like travel time and distance, commitments, etc.

Culturally, men have it easier (not always, but mostly) and are able to make last minute plans with no repercussions or responsibility.

Not fair. But reality still in so many parts of the world.

P.S. I'd never leave a conversation/ group in a huff. Especially if it's close friends.

You are allowed to go silent...and have 121 conversations in your own time.

And Frankfurt is notoriously difficult to change at, aGoogle would have told you that. I know that and I travel very little.

Are you neurodivergent?

Lol

And it's all THEIR fault?

I think you owe your friends a heartfelt apology

And you need to stop being a dick

Well that plus having said that you were prioritising family despite having two weeks planned with family makes their response completely understandable.

Why on earth didn't you say that you were exhausted from the journey including 24 hour delay with a four year old, rather than the totally bizzare statement that you were prioritising an extra evening with your parents over the long planned group meet up?

Is this a reverse (in light of the single line update quoted above)?

This!

I think you are looking at this a bit wrong.

They will feel real excitement when you go home to see you. But, never ever ever plan to see friends the day after you land. You were there for eight days - acclimatise and see family first.

You also and I say this as someone who lives abroad can’t have the same relationship with life long friends in another country. The sheer exhaustion of travelling long haul and then having to see endless amount of people was too exhausting for me. I now see family and a very few close people. You need to look at this differently.

Leaving the group was a bit childish and since you said you are unreliable you let them down even if your flight was delayed (see point above).

If you want to stay friends go to then half way through your next trip and be there!

I explained that our flight had been delayed by 24 hours,

It hadn't though had it?

You missed a flight, which may have been because the first flight was delayed or because you didn't through Frankfurt airport in time.

You had 24 hrs in which to think that actually you wouldn't be up to meeting them but instead told them an hour or less before meeting?

Well huge drip

Im not suprsed they are very annoyed and surprised you even you are being reasonable.

When I was leaving the UK nearly 30 years ago I was given some advice by a colleague who had lived abroad before. She said always carry a cardigan and set out visit home expectations early or everyone expects you to go to them and you will be on the M3 for most of your trip. Now I just say please remember this is my holiday. You dont owe them anything because you moved abroad. The cardigan has come in useful for freezing cold AC indoors alternating with 50c outside , dirty seats, picking up sick animals, covering a dreadful painting, eye mask and temporary sling after an accident. Cashmere is best.

Travelling to see friends and family is exhausting and I only have to do it across the uk.

do these friends ever come and visit you?

Then they arent the problem you are.

This instance, I think once you missed the connection you should have decided whether to rearrange your plans or not and stuck with it.

I dont think its unforgivable to have changed your mind. Unless you so this regularly.

Sounds like theyre sick of you messing them around. And thats fair

Well done for accepting and admitting this, but you need to seriously work on correcting this due to the impact on other people involved. You could well end up alienating yourself from your friends