AIBU to be really disappointed in DH for not confronting his mum?

[GreenAcreFarm22]

Bit of background - I have suffered really badly with PPA/PPD this year after a very traumatic birth experience. We currently live abroad, so both our families are back in the UK, which has definitely contributed to me feeling quite lonely and isolated.

My MIL and step-FIL were visiting last month, arriving a day after my birthday. DH did absolutely nothing for my birthday this year, which was very out of character for him and, honestly, something I probably needed more than ever. After feeling so awful and invisible this year, I would have really appreciated some kind of special gesture - even just a cupcake or chocolates. It caused an argument between us on my birthday because I told him how much it had upset me.

Because there was some tension between us when MIL and step-FIL arrived, DH told me that he had explained to his mum that I was upset because he hadn't made me feel special on my birthday.

Two days after they arrived, DH then went away for a few days on a stag do, leaving me at home with MIL and step-FIL. Absolute nightmare.

The first thing MIL did was tell me off for being "jealous" of my husband's attention towards the baby, as if this was the reason for me being upset with him around my birthday.

Then, the following day, she explicitly asked me how our sex life was. Yes, while her son was away on a stag do. I know. She then went on to say that if she had been "all shredded down there" she wouldn't want to have sex either. I had very severe tearing during birth, which she knew about.

I found the whole thing absolutely disgusting and incredibly insensitive, particularly given how vulnerable I've been this year.

I spoke to DH about it when he got back and told him how uncomfortable and upset I was. It's now been weeks of him avoiding confronting his mum. He says he doesn't really understand what the point would be and thinks she was probably trying to connect with me. He wasn't there either.

I've told him that I am perfectly happy to speak to her myself if necessary, but he doesn't want me to do that either.

I'm honestly feeling really disappointed in DH. It's not even necessarily about what his mum said anymore, it's about the fact that I've told him something made me feel deeply uncomfortable and vulnerable in my own home, and he seems completely unwilling to do anything about it.

I'm struggling with the feeling that people can come into our home, speak to me like that, cross really personal boundaries, and then just get away with it because DH doesn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation with his mum.
AIBU to expect him to say something to her? Or am I making too much of this?

I’m sorry you are having such a rubbish time with him. I think for me the worst things are ignoring your birthday and choosing to go away whilst you were hosting HIS parents though. Can you come home for a bit and be with your own family whilst you continue your recovery?

While I think he's a complete penis for not treating you on your birthday after a very hard year, and that his mother sounds like a delight, I'm not sure what you'd achieve by confronting her. Better imo to tell him his parents aren't welcome in your house, they can get a hotel.

Oh, poor you. I'm sorry your baby's birth was so nightmarish, that your husband doesn't seem to understand its effects, that he ignored your birthday and that he went off on a jolly leaving you with baby and house guests.

I think you're refocusing some anger towards him, which would be quite reasonable, onto his mother. Obviously I don't know her, but it sounds like she sees that you're unhappy and feels some tension between her son and you. She may well have been trying to show sympathy and/or invite you to open up.

Whatever her motives, your window for complaint has passed. DH is right about that. The proper window, of course, was when MIL made these observations. How did you react? What's the reason you didn't answer back?

I haven't voted because you're NBU to feel as distressed as you do, but your perspective is BU.

I don't think the main problem is your MIL. It is your childish husband. Why did he abandon you for a stag do when you have been so unwell? They aren't exactly inportant, unmissable events. What did he say about the reason he did nothing, not even a cake, for your birthday? He sounds quite pathetic and like he needs to really get a grip and grow up.

Expecting to host your MIL and her DH whilst he goes away for a few days is completely unreasonable.

I would ignore what DMIL has said, yes it’s a little insensitive but I’m not sure what a conversation with her will achieve.

The people who do need to talk are you and your DH. It’s not about being made to feel special, it’s about showing you that he’s there for you and loves you.

If your DH had been more supportive when you had your child and made a fuss for your birthday and not gone away on the stag do would you still feel as upset about his mum's comments? Because it sounds like you wouldn't have been, meaning this isn't about your MIL who (rather clumsily) was trying to sympathise and relate.

Your DH shouldn't have invited his parents to visit when he knew that he would be going to a stag do leaving you alone with them. His mum certainly shouldn't have asked you explicit questions about your sex life, particularly as you are still recovering from your birth injuries.

Do your PILs normally overstep boundaries or is this something new?

He obviously would rather you be upset than his mum so is refusing to speak to her about her inappropriate behaviour.

Is he normally a kind and helpful husband and father or is this part of a pattern of behaviour? Some men definitely behave worse after their wives/partners have given birth as they think that they are now trapped and unable to leave.

I see that you were treated badly and I see that your DH is not giving you the support you need. I'm not sure I agree that you have a right to insist he handle it by talking to her. But, especially if he doesn't want you to speak with her, he needs to handle it some how.

YANBU to be disappointed in your DH if he just wants to sweep the whole thing under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen. I would be inclined to tell him that as far as you're concerned, you won't have anything more to do with her until you are convinced it won't happen again. He can then try and work out how to make that happen if he wants the two of you in the same room again.

But is your annoyance at MiL partly displaced anger at DH? He sounds like he's failed to step up to the plate in several ways and yet you're focused on MiL who, presumably, isn't as central to your life...

Tell him you're not hosting his parents any more and if they want to know why, he can tell them or you will.
Are you working out there? I went abroad with my husband when my kids were little and it was the worst thing I ever did for my own life quality. I didn't feel I had much option at the time but I really regret it. My kids are older now and I was really lucky to get back into my old career here but the times when they were little and I wasn't working and didn't know anyone, it was like being in prison.

His Mum’s comment was horrid. You obviously don’t have the kind of relationship where it’s the ‘norm’ to talk about being ‘shredded’ and about your sex life with her son. How dare she.

Your husband is a dick. It sounds like he’s checked out, not bothering with your birthday (when he usually does) and not addressing his mum.
I would speak to her yourself, you don’t need his blessing to state your boundaries.

I feel for you. You've had a hard time and PND is hard and demoralising. I'd be concerned that you are in a vicious cycle arising from PTS at the birth, contributing to PND and exacerbated by a thoughtless DH who forgets your birthday and buggers off on a stag do when you are hosting his parents. But, because you aren't well you may have felt the birthday dispropprtionately although it was wrong and your DH might feel he needs a break and that the stag was a possibility if his parents were around to look after you. I'm not making excuses, he might be an arse but he might be struggling too.

As for his mum, addressing this sort of stuff afyer the event never works well and your DH wasn't there, didn't see or hear it and if he raises it, it's easy for the old bag your MIL to deny or misrepresent. I think moving forward you don't tell your MIL deeply personal stuff and if any similar comments are ever made, call it out immediately. I'd have closed mine down if she'd ever raised our sex life but she's so buttoned up I doubt she could utter the word without saying three Hail Marys.

I wonder if, taking account of the tough time you and yiur DH have had, whether some therapy might be helpful for you individually to address the birth trauma and for you both as a couple to reach a better understanding. I feel for you both although of course your DH isn't the one who sustained the birth injury.

Get well together and support each other to recover. When you are stronger you can plan how you will deal with MIL in the future.

Will your DH remember to get his mum anything for her birthday/Christmas or will it devolve to you? I wouldn't be doing anything for her in the future.

Hope you are getting help for your PND. Take care of yourself.

Why on earth was the visit planned at the same time that DH was going to be away for the stag do? Surely a different date would have been better?

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable to expect DH to confront his mum. I think that the personal nature of MIL's comment makes it rather embarrassing for DH to mention it to her. The thought of the two of them discussing your birth injury and sex life might be too much for him to handle.

It was rubbish of him to do nothing for your birthday. Has he been supportive generally during the difficult time you've had?

Wishing you all the best OP. I really hope there is a better year ahead for you.

How long ago was this visit from the PiLs?

Tell DH that you will not see MIL until either he talks to her or you do- end of story.

Op's dh can confront his dm about crossing boundaries, he just doesn't want to.

Imo @GreenAcreFarm22 your dh will only understand if he's put in the same position.
Get your dm or df to chat to him about being more proactive on your birthday
and how he shouldn't leave you with your in laws to go on a stag do.
He'll be mortified as you were and may then finally get how you feel.

No-one likes being told by in laws and inlaws should mind their own business.

It’s your DH that’s the problem. Just don’t see the MIL, and defo don’t let them stay. Him you have to deal with! I can’t believe he went away while his parents were there! Jeez.

Why did you find the conversation about your sex life disgusting? Do you find sex disgusting? I’m assuming that you knew he was going on his stag do whilst his parents were visiting - were they coming to help you in his absence?

You don't need his permission to speak to her, so do it.

Make it clear to him that he is not to tell her about your health issues.

And make it extremely clear that MIL is not welcome at your home unless he is there 100% of the time.

Tell him this the final and only warning about this.

I think most of these comments are best dealt with at the time they're spoken. I didn't have a particularly good relationship with my MIL when she was alive, but if she had asked me how my sex life was I'd have immediately told her it was none of her damned business.

We had trouble conceiving and tests showed the problems were with DH. Didn't stop MIL bringing round a magazine article she'd found about female fertility issues (because God forbid, it couldn't be her golden boy!) I said thank you, but that really isn't going to improve your son's sperm count.

As shocking as her comments are, try to find your voice and challenge her at the time.

I found it disgusting to accuse me and then proceed to tell me off for being jealous of my husband's attention towards our son, which could not be further from reality, and it felt very 'pot stirring' to ask about our sex life so directly. The conversation was clear to make me feel insecure and then to comment about the state of my postpartum injuries. It was not done empathetically.

He went away on a jolly with you in that stat e hosting his parents?

I’d be pissed off too

weasely fucker

he will never address it with his mum by the way, he will do nothing and hope it goes away

1. The total absence of a birthday celebration or acknowledgement, and 2. going away on the stag do are what I would be angry about.

As for his mother, there's nothing to be gained by confronting her later. People forget what they've said, esp brash people like her, and act the innocent.

I know you might not have felt up to telling her where to go, yourself, at the time (I am very feisty but I tend to get very blindsided and don't deal with rude people at the time, sometimes).

Or have I misunderstood and you did say something back to her at the time? It's not really clear.

You do not need his permission to speak to her. You can speak to whoever you want. You gave him the choice to speak to her instead, he’s declined. He is not the boss of you.
however like others I wonder if your anger is being refocused on your mil instead of directing it at your dh where it should be. Ask for a birthday re do, where he actually makes an effort. He should have bent over backwards ro support you if he’s going off on a stag and you had a difficult birth and pnd, my dh would not have gone.

He left you to deal with mil and fil whilst he pissed off enjoying himself on a stag do!
Good Lord.
I would be telling him straight that the next time he invites them over I am going out. Book a trip yourself if you have to and let him deal with them.
I would make it clear that you will not be accommodating them alone ever again.
Also, do not make a big deal for his birthday, match his effort and tell him why.
The Apple certainly didn’t fall far from the tree with your dh.