AIBU to be really disappointed in DH for not confronting his mum?

[GreenAcreFarm22]

Bit of background - I have suffered really badly with PPA/PPD this year after a very traumatic birth experience. We currently live abroad, so both our families are back in the UK, which has definitely contributed to me feeling quite lonely and isolated.

My MIL and step-FIL were visiting last month, arriving a day after my birthday. DH did absolutely nothing for my birthday this year, which was very out of character for him and, honestly, something I probably needed more than ever. After feeling so awful and invisible this year, I would have really appreciated some kind of special gesture - even just a cupcake or chocolates. It caused an argument between us on my birthday because I told him how much it had upset me.

Because there was some tension between us when MIL and step-FIL arrived, DH told me that he had explained to his mum that I was upset because he hadn't made me feel special on my birthday.

Two days after they arrived, DH then went away for a few days on a stag do, leaving me at home with MIL and step-FIL. Absolute nightmare.

The first thing MIL did was tell me off for being "jealous" of my husband's attention towards the baby, as if this was the reason for me being upset with him around my birthday.

Then, the following day, she explicitly asked me how our sex life was. Yes, while her son was away on a stag do. I know. She then went on to say that if she had been "all shredded down there" she wouldn't want to have sex either. I had very severe tearing during birth, which she knew about.

I found the whole thing absolutely disgusting and incredibly insensitive, particularly given how vulnerable I've been this year.

I spoke to DH about it when he got back and told him how uncomfortable and upset I was. It's now been weeks of him avoiding confronting his mum. He says he doesn't really understand what the point would be and thinks she was probably trying to connect with me. He wasn't there either.

I've told him that I am perfectly happy to speak to her myself if necessary, but he doesn't want me to do that either.

I'm honestly feeling really disappointed in DH. It's not even necessarily about what his mum said anymore, it's about the fact that I've told him something made me feel deeply uncomfortable and vulnerable in my own home, and he seems completely unwilling to do anything about it.

I'm struggling with the feeling that people can come into our home, speak to me like that, cross really personal boundaries, and then just get away with it because DH doesn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation with his mum.
AIBU to expect him to say something to her? Or am I making too much of this?

You are not at all unreasonable OP. Your husband is an arsehole and his mum isn’t much better. Do you think he had been complaining to her that the two of you hadn’t been having sex (or not as much as he wanted) since you gave birth? I genuinely cannot imagine why she would out of the blue ask you that without something that made her think there was a “issue” (issue in HER mind, not that there actually is an issue). I would ask him outright if he had spoken to her or his step dad at all about it. If he did, and if you haven’t been having sex, I wonder if the forgetfulness on your birthday was deliberate, a form of punishment for not fulfilling your wifely duties. Seems a little odd if he normally makes an effort for this one year that he does nothing. I might be completely wrong - but if I were you I would have a think about whether it could be.

I can’t believe he arranged to go on a stag do whilst his parents were staying with you. What an absolute twat. I’m impressed though that you didn’t tell them to leave after she spoke to you the way she did. I would make it very clear to my husband that under no circumstances is she EVER setting foot in your home again. If he wants to see her/them, he visits them or they stop in a hotel and he arranges to see them somewhere else.

Why do you need his permission to speak to her about it? You don’t, to be clear. You can talk to anyone you want! Does he need permission to talk to your parents? If your parents had upset him in a similar way, would you have been prepared to soeak to them and tell them it wasn’t ok?

It would have been better to address what was said at the time, but if you are wanting to get an apology to be able to move past this, I can understand the want to bring it up. I suspect your husband doesn’t want to talk to her about it because it was agreed with him that she was going to have this conversation though…

I would be paying close attention to my husbands behaviour and actions going forwards. A lot of abuse will start during or after pregnancy. You are living abroad with no family or friends support around you. You have PND/PNA. You had a traumatic birth. You have a small baby. You are EXTREMELY vulnerable right now. I would make sure you get a passport for your baby, if you haven’t already, have all important documents etc in an easy to grab place, and just be prepared to leave and return to your family if he does become abusive. He might just be an insensitive prick who’s acting like a cunt because he wants sex…. Or he might now have you exactly where he wants you thinking you are trapped.

Good luck - I hope he’s just a prick and that he makes up for his behaviour!

I would feel comfortable discussing sex with someone I trust, MIL is clearly not someone OP trusts. Do you feel comfortable when people you dont like/trust as you about your sex life? Very weird if so.

Well you need to discuss with your husband what happens to the farm when he dies and no you dont then have to live on it you can sell it, if i were you i would go to australia for a few months to see how you feel with your husband!

If my husband was going away for a few days, fine I could live with that. If he went away and expected me to host HIS parents on my own, absolutely no way. I’d be telling him to reschedule the visit for when he was actually able to do the hosting himself.

What sort of stupid question is that? who wouldn't be disgusted at their mother in law asking such intrusive questions?

@GreenAcreFarm22 you need to speak to your mil. You don't need his permission to do this. I can guarantee that even if he does grow a spine and speak her, it will not be in any way an effective conversation, so you might as well do it yourself.
What was his reason for not making any effort on your birthday? Does he think now that you've had a baby, he doesn't need to bother?

I'd have shut his mum down myself at the time, so that isn't actually the part I'd be most annoyed with (although he should still back you up anyway). I'd be furious if he's planned to be away during their visit without consulting you about it first though. It's also shit of him to ignore your birthday. I'm assuming he ignored it rather than forgot, because if it was a mistake you'd have had a grovelling apology not an argument.

I just can’t imagine a world where any person would feel it appropriate to question someone else about their sex life. Under any circumstances!

The good news is, she doesn’t live around the corner so you don’t have to see her every week. The bad news is you do live with a weasel who is too afraid to do the right thing.

It’s very convenient, isn’t it? How he swept the lack of effort for your birthday under the carpet? He wasn’t too afraid to share that argument with his parents was he?

I hate to say it, but it’s time to find your anger or nothing will change. Every year you’ll be made to feel ungrateful for the minimal effort he puts in. Miserable way to live.

What was his excuse for not bothering with your birthday?
He was shitty for clearing off on a stag do while his parents were visiting and he’s shit for not calling his mum out.

This is a DH problem with an extra helping of MIL. 1 Don't do anything for his birthday - you are busy being a new mother 2 Don't confront MIL - just dont speak to her and refuse to host them again - hotel only 3 Don't do birthdays/ Chtistmas for his family - I'm sure MIL will soon set him staright about the importance of celebrating4 Consider if you want to be with someone who buggers off on a long stag do leaving you with a baby and his family

that is a horrid thing for a MIL to say also sounds like she was trying to rile you up to get upset and make you look unreasonable. Your vagina isn't her business. My son would be so angry at me if i ever treated his wife like that

Because there was some tension between us when MIL and step-FIL arrived, DH told me that he had explained to his mum that I was upset because he hadn't made me feel special on my birthday.

Yikes. First of all, it was inappropriate and unnecessary for him to tell his mother this - if absolutely necessary, he could just say that the two of you had had a disagreement and things were still a little tense but he was sure they'd smooth out soon. But what he did choose to say suggests that he doesn't take any responsibility for issues that he may have caused or that are the result of miscommunication or differences that you've both contributed to. It's irritating that he's performing for his mum and I'm sure it makes everything seem worse from your perspective - but mum or no it's a big issue if he's too self-centred to enter into the necessary communication and compromise to make a relationship work. And the fact that he's just saying no when you explain how upset you are is a symptom of the same problem.

I think all you can do is be VERY clear that something has to change and that requires his good-faith engagement and two-way communication, at the least. Would he consider couples therapy, and take it seriously? (And of course you can tell his mother to back off if you need to - and tell HIM to stop telling her personal things, or YOU will stop telling him anything).

Nobody wants to discuss their sex life with their husband's mother for goodness sake.

Your mother-in-law sounds really weird and disgusting. Who the hell makes conversation about someone else's genitals, especially their son's wife. Just, yuck.

I'm sorry, but your husband doesn't get to decide whether or not you talk to his mother about her recent behaviour. Especially when he had the nerve to fuck off to a stag do and leave you to manage his weirdo mother.

Your husband doesn't sound great on any parameters either.
He didn't acknowledge or celebrate your birthday.
He tattled to his mother about your private issues.
He invites his parents and goes on a stag do at the same time, leaving you alone with them.
He's spineless and refuses to tell his mother to back off.
But he also says you can't talk to her about her bizarre behaviour.

What does this "man" bring actually bring to the table? I don't believe there isn't more negatives to him, this is probably just the tip of the iceberg...

I'm sorry OP

Your husband doesn't have your back. And it sounds like he's stopped trying ... ignoring your birthday entirely is a red flag in that regard.

Can't imagine inviting his parents to visit you and then pissing off on a stag do leaving you to host them while you're feeling the way you do. And then to defend his mother's inappropriate comments. Wow

Is he normally like this? Or is this new behaviour ...

Why did they come and stay with you when you knew DH was going away?

Were they doing you both a favour and arranging to come and help because he was going away?

You don’t need any help looking after your own child and so I can’t fathom why either of you thought this was a good idea.

If they came and helped because DH was going away then I can definitely see why he’d be reluctant to say anything because he’s likely grateful to them for doing you both such a big favour.

The sex comment wouldn’t bother me - mothers do sometimes talk about personal issues with each other and she was being supportive of you.

I would be annoyed about the jealousy comment and explained how making an effort on someone’s birthday is hardly a big ask.

However, I’d be more annoyed that DH had told her about the argument.

I can’t help but feel you are still angry with your DH over the birthday situation and you want to punish him by causing issues between him and his mum.

I don’t find sex disgusting at all, but the last person I’d want to discuss my sex life with is HIS mother. 🙄

I think you now know what’s she’s like. So keep her at arm’s length. Polite but distant. It’s her loss.

as for your DH, I’d try to get past it. The upshot for him is that going forward he’s going to be responsible for all comms with his parents. That’s quite a good result as saves you the trouble and headspace.
Make it clear that if his parents are visiting, he’s there or you’re not.

Who the hell wants a discussion about their sex life with their MIL?

It's not compulsory to be a cunt to people on AIBU you know

The time to deal with the MIL was when she was asking you those ridiculous questions.
There's no point confronting her now.

I believe your husband should be confronting himself though; as he doesn't seem to care about you at all. I could almost swear his mother's questions have something to do with him complaining that he's not being 'looked after'. Disgusting lot!

Now you've birthed his child and suffered terrible injuries, it seems he no longer sees the value in 'maintaining the marriage'.
He's neglected you in not celebrating your birthday; and going off on a jolly while HIS parents are visiting. That's the issue here. He knows how vulnerable you are, but he doesn't care.

How is your relationship with your parents? Can you come home for a while so they can support you; or can they come to you?

Your MiL sounds vile, but there’s no point asking him to talk to her. By the sounds of it, he’ll just tell her you’re poised off but then agree with her when she says you’re being over-sensitive. If you feel something needs to be said, write her a letter and tell her how her words affected you - to the point that you were stunned into silence (and I understand why: you were presumably astounded at her ignorance and insensitivity and now can’t stop ruminating on it). Once the letter is written, you might not even feel the need to send it, but do it, if you want to, though be prepared to get a response (or no response) that poses you of even further. The real issue is your DH. I’d start with boundaries where his parents are concerned (he either needed to have given the staff-do a miss or rearranged their visit) and go from there.

Talk about missing the point.

You don’t have to find sex ‘disgusting’ to not want to discuss it with your husbands mother ffs.

Him bringing it back up with her won't change anything. She'll be defensive and know you've put him up to it.

Way forward is to address it yourself next time she says something inappropriate.
No need to be rude, but a "I'd rather not talk about that thanks" and change the subject.

He could also be scared of her.
I know my DH wouldn't bring it up as she'd twist it, cry and end up being the victim.

Your husband sounds really thoughtless ignoring your birthday and then leaving you to host PILs alone. Like others have said I think those are the real issues.

MIL was out of line but if your DH wasn’t so thoughtless I think your MILs comments probably wouldn’t bother you as much. I also wonder if her comments were prompted by something your DH has said to her as the jealous of the baby thing is just a really weird thing to say I think I’d have laughed if someone said that to me.

This is such bad advice. OP you must say something. How dare she be so rude. If you say nothing, you are simply letting her know that she can say horrible things to you and there is no consequence.

A simple text is all that's needed - "Hi MIL, in for future reference please don't bring up perosnal matters including intimacy with me. It's not something I feel comfortable discussing."

And that's it. You'll feel better for sending it, trust me.

And OP your DH is pathetic. He should be supporting you, but he isn't. No effort on your birthday, ditching his own parents during a visit to go on a stag do, and now refusing to say anything to his mum when she made unbelievably rude comments. It's just not good enough and I'm not surprised you're upset.

If you can travel home for a little while, can you do that? Maybe a little break from him will do you both some good.