AIBU to be really disappointed in DH for not confronting his mum?

[GreenAcreFarm22]

Bit of background - I have suffered really badly with PPA/PPD this year after a very traumatic birth experience. We currently live abroad, so both our families are back in the UK, which has definitely contributed to me feeling quite lonely and isolated.

My MIL and step-FIL were visiting last month, arriving a day after my birthday. DH did absolutely nothing for my birthday this year, which was very out of character for him and, honestly, something I probably needed more than ever. After feeling so awful and invisible this year, I would have really appreciated some kind of special gesture - even just a cupcake or chocolates. It caused an argument between us on my birthday because I told him how much it had upset me.

Because there was some tension between us when MIL and step-FIL arrived, DH told me that he had explained to his mum that I was upset because he hadn't made me feel special on my birthday.

Two days after they arrived, DH then went away for a few days on a stag do, leaving me at home with MIL and step-FIL. Absolute nightmare.

The first thing MIL did was tell me off for being "jealous" of my husband's attention towards the baby, as if this was the reason for me being upset with him around my birthday.

Then, the following day, she explicitly asked me how our sex life was. Yes, while her son was away on a stag do. I know. She then went on to say that if she had been "all shredded down there" she wouldn't want to have sex either. I had very severe tearing during birth, which she knew about.

I found the whole thing absolutely disgusting and incredibly insensitive, particularly given how vulnerable I've been this year.

I spoke to DH about it when he got back and told him how uncomfortable and upset I was. It's now been weeks of him avoiding confronting his mum. He says he doesn't really understand what the point would be and thinks she was probably trying to connect with me. He wasn't there either.

I've told him that I am perfectly happy to speak to her myself if necessary, but he doesn't want me to do that either.

I'm honestly feeling really disappointed in DH. It's not even necessarily about what his mum said anymore, it's about the fact that I've told him something made me feel deeply uncomfortable and vulnerable in my own home, and he seems completely unwilling to do anything about it.

I'm struggling with the feeling that people can come into our home, speak to me like that, cross really personal boundaries, and then just get away with it because DH doesn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation with his mum.
AIBU to expect him to say something to her? Or am I making too much of this?

Wonderful mental revenge and something you could chuckle about as you see her...but not best in reality 🤭

OP you deserve love and kindness on your Birthday ~ really consider how DH treats you and how you want things to be...this is the critical thing...all steps flow from there.

I’m shocked by the number of husbands etc who seem to regard attending stag dos away from home as some kind of sacred duty and his human right, even when it’s very clearly a bad time yo be away from their spouse.
I would expect any decent husband or partner not to need to be asked to give such an absence a miss in these circs.
A stag do, for God’s sake! That’s no way for an adult to prioritise his responsibilities.

He sounds like a wimp.

You have a husband problem not a MIL problem. Sorry but he sounds awful.

I think you're pissed off at your husband, and quite rightly so, for being an insensitive bastard about your birthday, and then fucking off with his mates on a jolly little stag do!!! Your MIL is the scapegoat.

How did you respond in the moment?

I think you are very unreasonable to ask your husband to confront his mum over a conversation you had when he wasn't there, the opportunity has well and truly passed, ideally you should have shut her down at the time, and your frustration at that is what is playing on your mind now, but there's nothing to be gained now, no outcome will undo it. But I also think he is a massive knob to not celebrate you birthday, I think that about all selfish men who can't be arsed to do the most basic things for their spouses and expect them to be okay with it.

The only thing you can do now is refuse to host them if he isn't there, he obviously got them in so he could swan off for a few days, but now you have experienced what that actually entails you never have to agree to it again! Also practice some phrases designed to shut down any conversation that make you uncomfortable.. you need to be prepared for next time she tries to stick her nose in where it doesn't belong.

I completely agree but I think OP already knows that and is trying to punish him by wanting him to confront his mum.

I think OP needs to forget out the MIL and focus on her DH and his behaviour.

If my husband treated me the way yours has treated you it would take a lot for me to forgive him and be able to move on from it. He should start by telling his mother how out of order she’s been. Actually no, he should start by taking responsibility for igniting this by telling tales on you to his mother, fucking off on a jolly with his mates to leave you to host his dogshit parents and not being there to defend you. Then he should give it to
his mother with both barrels. He’s got a shit load of growing up to do.

Agree.

“Would you like me to interrogate you about your sex life with Colin, Margaret? No? Well I’m sure you’ll understand why I’m not willing to discuss mine. I was upset because your son forgot my birthday, despite everything I have done for our family this year. Perhaps you should have brought him up better?”

With DH - let him know why he has upset you. Ask him to back you up immediately next time his mother says something inappropriate. And make sure you get a trip of your own when you are ready to leave baby.

Well your dh isn’t doing great is he? On what planet was it a good idea for him to invite his parents then leave?!?!? His mum was out of order but I feel I have to stand up for her too- her saying shredded down there sounds like a clumsy way she was just saying of course you’re not ok (and being too graphic). I disagree with a lot of people here, ye have a young baby and life is exhausting and stressful for ye all. I don’t think dh needs to talk to his mum except to remind her of that

You’re a better woman than me if my husband had done that and then abandoned me with a MIL who proceeded to ask me invasive questions I would have thrown all their shit on the lawn and chased her out the house. Then got myself a massive birthday present and take away.

Your husband sounds like a loser and your MIL sounds insane. Make it clear you’re not hosting them again and tell him if he doesn’t come back with something really fucking special for your birthday he’s sleeping in the shed.

I love my in laws and DH likes my parents, but the rule in our house is - you deal with your own parents unless the other person offers. Sometimes I’ll take MIL out for lunch, but I’m not entertaining her for days on end while he’s at work. He will go out with my dad, but I wouldn’t expect him to spend a weekend with him while I was off with the girls. I think that’s fair.

you have a dh problem. when did he decide he was going on a stag do. his parents visit should have been rearranged. i wouldn't have hosted my go laws alone

OP I can sympathise. When I had DD and had an emergency c section and DD was in special care, MIL said to me it was all my fault as I’d had an epidural and was therefore to blame for the birth!

I also have a SIL who told me her brother was sexually frustreated, did I understand men have sexual needs and was I sealed up!

You need to put boundaries in place. I have now grey rocked SIL and limit contact generally.

My DH minimised it all with me too. It took a very stern conversation with him for him to understand I wasn’t putting up with it any longer and going forward he could manage the relationship. I also limit contact my daughter has too as found comments were said to DD.

Is that normal behaviour for her? To post stir and demean you or is it out of the blue?

why did DH agree to a stag do when he knew his parents were visiting? I think it’s something for you to have addressed in the moment unfortunately, telling someone off for something you weren’t present for between adults is a minefield. It just becomes he said she said back and forth.

as others have said the best solution is to create distance and no to have them stay when they visit. If she brings it up then he can address it.

at most he can say please don’t talk to greenacre about our sex life or ask how it or our relationship are doing. It’s private.