AIBU to be really disappointed in DH for not confronting his mum?

[GreenAcreFarm22]

Bit of background - I have suffered really badly with PPA/PPD this year after a very traumatic birth experience. We currently live abroad, so both our families are back in the UK, which has definitely contributed to me feeling quite lonely and isolated.

My MIL and step-FIL were visiting last month, arriving a day after my birthday. DH did absolutely nothing for my birthday this year, which was very out of character for him and, honestly, something I probably needed more than ever. After feeling so awful and invisible this year, I would have really appreciated some kind of special gesture - even just a cupcake or chocolates. It caused an argument between us on my birthday because I told him how much it had upset me.

Because there was some tension between us when MIL and step-FIL arrived, DH told me that he had explained to his mum that I was upset because he hadn't made me feel special on my birthday.

Two days after they arrived, DH then went away for a few days on a stag do, leaving me at home with MIL and step-FIL. Absolute nightmare.

The first thing MIL did was tell me off for being "jealous" of my husband's attention towards the baby, as if this was the reason for me being upset with him around my birthday.

Then, the following day, she explicitly asked me how our sex life was. Yes, while her son was away on a stag do. I know. She then went on to say that if she had been "all shredded down there" she wouldn't want to have sex either. I had very severe tearing during birth, which she knew about.

I found the whole thing absolutely disgusting and incredibly insensitive, particularly given how vulnerable I've been this year.

I spoke to DH about it when he got back and told him how uncomfortable and upset I was. It's now been weeks of him avoiding confronting his mum. He says he doesn't really understand what the point would be and thinks she was probably trying to connect with me. He wasn't there either.

I've told him that I am perfectly happy to speak to her myself if necessary, but he doesn't want me to do that either.

I'm honestly feeling really disappointed in DH. It's not even necessarily about what his mum said anymore, it's about the fact that I've told him something made me feel deeply uncomfortable and vulnerable in my own home, and he seems completely unwilling to do anything about it.

I'm struggling with the feeling that people can come into our home, speak to me like that, cross really personal boundaries, and then just get away with it because DH doesn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation with his mum.
AIBU to expect him to say something to her? Or am I making too much of this?

it seems like you need to pack up and go home mate, your postpartum stage sounds difficult enough. Seek professional support, don’t suffer in silence, your baby needs you.

If DH forgot my birthday, he'd be mortified, he wouldn't be arguing with me about it. What was your husband arguing about?

Because your MIL raising your sex life with her son is wholly inappropriate. Ditto your mother, aunt, colleague, neighbour.

Your husband is the problem.

Working abroad often brings about a dynamic where the working partner is consumed in the new social and professional network and his attention is diverted from the home. The non working spouse feeling isolated is typical, as is PPD.

He needs to find balance between pursuing his professional and social life and supporting you emotionally.

Does he include you in work related social events? Has he made efforts to bolster your social networks? Did he tell you why he did not celebrate your birthday?

Once you feel valued and integrated in your husband's new life, the surrounding noise will seem a lot more manageable.

Take baby and go visit your parents for a while op. It sounds like you need some support.

You're obviously going through a very hard time and your DH was wrong to ignore your birthday and then go off and leave you. But I suspect you are directing your anger at the wrong target and being over-sensitive. Your MIL may have had good intentions and may have been trying to sympathise with you about your injuries and about his lack of attention to you, however badly she worded it. Did she actually use the word "jealous" or is that your interpretation?

In any case, the moment to object to what she said has passed. You or he would just be arguing about exactly what was said in the past. If she is so awful there are likely to be plenty of opportunities in the future to object to the way she speaks to you.

YANBU to feel frustrated with your cowardly husband, HOWEVER I do feel that these comments would have been best handled in the moment, and since your DH wasn’t there, it was up to you to stand up for yourself… I wouldn’t put up with someone speaking to me like that in my home.

What does does absolutely nothing for your birthday equate no - no card, no present, no verbal Happy Birthday wish kind of thing?

what was his reasoning to you during the arguement?

it sounds like when he spoke to his mum either he told her the reason was the attention on a new baby, or she assumed it was that.

Not sure how old the baby is but I’m guessing a few months? Regardless I don’t think a new baby is any excuse for not acknowledging a birthday with card or gifts.

And either way someone does need to say something to MIL. As it stands no one has told her she spoke inappropriately and rudely to you, so that’s currently a green light to do it again.

You should be disappointed with your H for ignoring your birthday. That was truly shit. What his mum does and says is not his responsibility. You are two grown women, if you didn't appreciate what she said you should have told her when she said it. That is much more efficient than "confronting" her later on.

Another one who thinks there is nothing to be gained from confronting MIL- I think YABU for demanding this of your husband as it will just make things worse. The moment to say something was at the time, so practice a pre-prepared response if she crosses your boundaries like that again.
It was outrageous for your DH to go away and leave you hosting his parents- definitely don't allow that again.
Sorry about your birthday that sounds really shit.

I think what MIL said is the least of your problems and you are focussing on the wrong person to channel your anger onto.
Your husband sounds totally thoughtless and inconsiderate. For him to go away and leave you with his parents when you are struggling with PPD and a baby is so selfish.
I’d personally let what she said go but if you do want to have it out with her, you do not need your husbands permission.

No-one with good intentions suggests to her DIL that DIL's vagina has been 'shredded' following a difficult birth and especially when DIL has PPD.

OP, I think it's reasonable to be angry with both your DH and your MIL. MIL sounds horrible. If you don't feel up to confronting her about what she said to you, you could ask step-FIL how his sex life is (make sure MIL is present) and say that you're concerned as MIL is in her 50s/60s/70s now that she's probably a bit loose and sloppy down there and you could understand him not wanting to have sex with her with all that going on. See how she likes it.

You’d be more than justified to say that was the last time they can ever stay unless he is going to be there for the duration of their visit. Can’t believe he expected you to have them there while he was away - unless they were genuinely helpful. The birthday failure by him is also appalling in the circumstances.
Also agree he should tell his Mum to wind her neck in - but I very much doubt he will and you need to be prepared for him to avoid saying anything the next time she steps out of line (which she will).
Full on confrontation maybe too difficult for you - but there is no harm in ‘that isn’t something I will discuss with you as it is private’ to at least stop her in her tracks.
Hope DH improves over time…..💐

Ridiculous.

I’d have told her to piss off out of my house and never come back!!

All of your threads are about your MIL. You don't even live in the same country and she still manages to occupy most of your head space. Just let it go.

On the other hand, your DH was wrong to invite them to stay then bugger off on a stag weekend, leaving you with them when he's well aware that you don't even like either of them.

Honestly… he shouldn’t have shared that kind of intimate info with the old bat in the first place. Have you asked him how he’d feel if you told your mother that he had a micro penis or erectile problems? He’s being a jellyfish and I am concerned that the combination of forgetting your bday and this would have me questioning the marriage.

How is it a MIL’s place to discuss her DIL’s sex life with her? Unless the DIL initiates it, of course.

Your DH sounds very unsupportive. Your MIL sounds like a witch! I’m a MIL and absolutely no way would I talk to my DIL about their sex life! What the hell? Massively overstepping boundaries. And the jealousy comment was just awful.

If DH refuses to speak to her, then depending on how brave I was feeling I’d either plan a conversation- bullet point on paper what I want to say and call her, or write her a letter.

She absolutely needs calling out. This was not a supportive, concerned conversation at all that she had with you. And for DH to bugger off on a stag and leave you with them was not good. At least you know for next time. If they want to visit then DH must be there. If he’s working, he needs to take time off to entertain (endure) them. Don’t put yourself in that position again.

Just here to send a massive hug 🫂 to you @GreenAcreFarm22
The first year of parenthood can be utterly brutal. You're exhausted, traumatised, and bearing the most unrelenting responsibility you've ever had.
I know on Mumsnet this is taboo, but I really struggled with how overnight my DP went from treating me like the most special person in the world, to seeing me as a mechanism in family life and, if I'm brutally honest, trying to shove as much of the scary, exhausting elements of parenthood over to me as possible. Before DD we were a team, after DD I was nominated leader and manager immediately and it was horrible!

He should have celebrated your birthday like he always has, if not more so with all you've adapted to this year.

His mother sounds insensitive and foolish and I wonder if she was left to just get on with things and so thinks that is the right and normal way for women?! The mentality of "it never did me any harm" in relation to a stressful and lonely postpartum experience has always felt bizarre to me - a twisted trauma response that just perpetuates the next generation of mothers having an awful time!

All that said, I think I would try not to focus on a delayed confrontation that doesn't solve anything, but make it clear that if she ever oversteps like that again, you will be having words with her if DH doesn't tackle it himself.

Do you find sex disgusting?

How on earth did you think asking that question was a good response to the op? Seriously overstepping boundaries. And completely inappropriate and slightly weird question especially when the op is struggling with PPD.

Your MIL sounds absolutely delightful (not) and your DH is totally out of order to clear off on a stag do and leave you to host his parents! I would never have entertained that.

I had a similar situation OP. I had terrible PPA and my MIL said something that really upset me and made me very uncomfortable, although it was in front of my husband. He couldn't understand why I was upset at all and refused to address it with her. In the end I just couldn't move past it so I spoke to her about it myself, but it definitely didn't help the situation, she just made excuses and deflected. I was really hurt that when I was feeling so vulnerable my husband couldn't understand and refused to back me up. So I think I understand how you feel.

I now have little contact with my in-laws (but the relationship was strained for lots of reasons). No happy resolution unfortunately.

I was watching a thing the other day about how to deal with nosy questions and one of them was to turn it round on the questioner. So like MIL oh is that something you’re bothered about? Are things not going well in that department? We should talk about it! I’m kind of joking but not really. Anyway I hope the thought of it makes you laugh just a bit.

I am a MIL although not technically as they not quite married but I would rather fly than talk to my DIL about her sex life. And I would never interfere with their relationship unless I felt she was being abusive which is a very high bar.

BTW your DH is being really unsupportive and needs to step up generally.

As ever, this is really a husband problem, not a MIL one. I’m sure you’ve had a rough time but you need to stand up for yourself and make your husband understand his behaviour is not acceptable. Good luck.

Your MiL sounds a bit irritating but your husband sounds like the real problem.

Are you deflecting feelings that really should be focused on your husband being rubbish into your MiL? Perhaps that feels like a safer outlet than recognising your husband is behaving poorly by failing to mark your birthday and leaving you with a small baby and his parents to go on a piss up.

Your hope that he confronts his mother is a test to prove to you he cares rather than a productive way to build a relationship with your MiL with appropriate boundaries and you are upset because he does not appear to care.

In short, your husband should be the focus, not the MiL