To think there is no good death?

[SurvivorInstinctIsJustInconvenient]

It's either preceded by a long and drawn out period of pain, suffering and loss of dignity or it's quick and painful. Well, I guess in both cases it's painful. It's always painful, isn't it? And shit. No matter how good your life has been the end is always crap. Not that all levels of suffering are the same but I'm just saying that there always is suffering. A lot of suffering. (And even if you satisfy the criteria for euthanasia you are already suffering immensely.) Maybe if you are religious there is some comfort you can take from your faith or maybe it makes it less terrible. I don't know. It's not something I have.

I'm just terrified for my parents. My dad is 90, has a neuro degenerative disorder and dementia. Lost most of his vision and hearing. Can't walk or do anything independently anymore. He is in constant pain. Has paranoid delusions. And he is aware enough to know how much he has lost and that there is little left for him. But he could go on for years like this. And he's always had quite strong faith but the dementia has taken that away as well. I think. And my mum is healthy but equally beholden to his dementia and 24h unreasonable demands. It's a shit life for her as well. I don't even know why I'm posting. Especially not in AIbu. I think it would be nice to hear stories of good deaths. If they exist.

I dont know, lots of my relatives have had a pretty short end, heartattack and over or dying in their sleep. Im sure it hurts but so does being born, for both the mother and the child. I think this western notion that life shouldnt contain any suffering is childlike and unrealistic. I can imagine the situation with your father is extremely distressing and im very sorry , but i dont think most endings are like this.

YABU. My Nan had a lovely death as they go. Out shopping having a lovely afternoon and then by the next day was surrounded by all her family as she painlessly drifted off.

Some people die in their sleep.

Some people have no warning at all and just drop dead out of nowhere.

Obviously not everyone is lucky enough to have a good death, but they do exist and are not uncommon.

People go sleep and just don’t wake up. I would think that was a peaceful way to go.

YABU, my nan went a lovely way, very short illness in hospital and then passed with family around her. She would not have been a fan of dementia or being in a nursing home or losing her faculties so I think there are better deaths than others

My beloved DM had a sudden turn in the garden killing ants' nests one sunny Saturday, sat down awkwardly and needed help getting up. She had a comfortable early night, and we talked on Sunday morning when she complained about having a bruised bum. Another quiet day and another early night: she went to bed with a dram, took out her hearing aids and went quietly to sleep and beyond. She was 89 and had been well all her life; had not been to the doctor except for vaccinations (Covid and flu) in nine months. It was very gentle and peaceful, and she lived independently, with some help doing the shopping, to the end.

I think a good death comes from not being scared of dying, it’s a process. We’re born, we die.

YANBU to be terrified though. Although again at least they have you to be terrified and to help them get the best care. Others die alone or have children who die before them

This.

Yes several people I know have had horrible long illnesses and hospital stays, but also know of a fair few who said goodnight to their loved ones and just never woke up. Guess it depends if you're the type who wants time to prepare and get affairs in order or just slip into oblivion in blissful ignorance.

My dad had quite a ‘good death’. 88. Managing ok. Things went pear shaped. In hospital for two days. Thought he was at home. I sat with him. DD and DH arrived. He grabbed DD’s hand, then mine, then went. To be honest it was the best it could be.

My parents' next door neighbour was an older man leading a full life. He went for an afternoon nap and didn't wake up again. He'd had a heart attack but if he was aware/called out then his wife didn't hear anything. If he did suffer it must have been very brief. His wife, and the wider family, on the other hand were completely devastated as it was so out of the blue so although you could argue it was a good way for him to go there was a lot of suffering for those left behind.

My dad went in his sleep. Nodded off in his favourite armchair with a blanket over his knees, having not long since eaten his dinner (tray still on his lap). I don't think it gets much better than that to be honest. If you could have asked him, that's how he'd want to go.

Of course there's a good death.

Becoming old but still maintaining good health, getting into bed one night, putting your head on the pillow and falling asleep forever is a good death.

Take it from someone who has seen many deaths.

One of my grandparents died of a heart attack. It's likely it was almost instant, based on how they were found.

I'd be very content if that were my ending - independent still, in my own home.

My friend recently went to bed and just did not wake up. He had been building a shed in the garden before he went to bed.

My OH had about a decade of slow decline and misery, then 9 months of total helplessness and paranoia before he died.

Luck of the draw ........

My parents both died suddenly, it may have been briefly painful but quick

How weird to think that,I was a nurse for over 40years,been with no end of people when they die.Lots have a peaceful pain free death.I have no fear of dying whatsoever.

I’ve certainly known a few painless or appeared to be painless deaths. One elderly relative was sat watching tv, stood up and dropped down dead on the floor.

my dad died from cancer but was kept pain free most of the time due to morphine.

I’ve known a few people die in their sleep and one person die playing tennis….but they were all younger so although painless I wouldn’t say they were a “good death”.

my gran died quite peacefully in her 90s. Had a uti and deteriorated the following day. Was dead by lunchtime with us sat by her bed in the nursing home. Didn’t appear to be in pain.

I’m very sorry OP, it sounds like you are having a very difficult time. 💐

Very few people are lucky enough to have a “good” death I think.

It seems to me a quick, sudden death is probably better for the person but very shocking and hard on their loved ones.

But then a long drawn out illness and death isn’t easier on your loved ones (but does at least give them time to prepare and plan)

I think that all I hope for is to be grateful for every year I am granted, and approach the time I have with as much cheerfulness and positivity as possible. It would be nice to be able to maintain that so that my relatives would enjoy spending time with me.

I would hate to become a chore to my DC a “duty” visit only.

My mum died last year
She had been disabled for years but full of life
But got a chest infection a few weeks before she died
She slept alot in the last few weeks and she day she died she just slipped away pescefully she was 82

I think what makes it a "bad death" is being in pain. That must be awful. Fortunately we have the NHS and pain relief so it's not such a problem here.

Both Grandparents were ok - Grandad had a short illness, pain was never really unmanageable, bit unsettled the last day until the morphine driver went in then just drifted off age 88 with us all around him. Gran had dementia but it was very late onset (nearly 90 at diagnosis and had some level of awareness until the last few months), died in her sleep at 93.

And she was in her own home and own bed .

Most deaths are comfortable (and I've seen a lot as an icu dr)

I feel for you for you and your parents. My mother lived a full and interesting life, was a truly magnificent women in my opinion, she had a sudden stroke, brain activity pretty much gone immediately and then a couple of weeks for her body to follow. She had no pain, no gradual decline, maybe 30 seconds of confusion as the stroke happened. I have always imagined it was just like the end of the sopranos. She could have done with another 5 years healthy, but I suspect that everyone who has ever lived has wanted at least that!

THIS! Not being afraid and pain relief to the eyeballs if needed, that’s my idea of a good death.