To think there is no good death?

[SurvivorInstinctIsJustInconvenient]

It's either preceded by a long and drawn out period of pain, suffering and loss of dignity or it's quick and painful. Well, I guess in both cases it's painful. It's always painful, isn't it? And shit. No matter how good your life has been the end is always crap. Not that all levels of suffering are the same but I'm just saying that there always is suffering. A lot of suffering. (And even if you satisfy the criteria for euthanasia you are already suffering immensely.) Maybe if you are religious there is some comfort you can take from your faith or maybe it makes it less terrible. I don't know. It's not something I have.

I'm just terrified for my parents. My dad is 90, has a neuro degenerative disorder and dementia. Lost most of his vision and hearing. Can't walk or do anything independently anymore. He is in constant pain. Has paranoid delusions. And he is aware enough to know how much he has lost and that there is little left for him. But he could go on for years like this. And he's always had quite strong faith but the dementia has taken that away as well. I think. And my mum is healthy but equally beholden to his dementia and 24h unreasonable demands. It's a shit life for her as well. I don't even know why I'm posting. Especially not in AIbu. I think it would be nice to hear stories of good deaths. If they exist.

What I meant to say but forgot to actually type is that drugs do help. And I’m so sorry for anyone who has to watch it x

I guess there isn't really a lot you can do to increase the chances of having a good death. Except for maybe making sure you have good social and medical care in place and enough money to buy you comforts. But there isn't that much in terms of self care. My dad was always super healthy. Very active. Very disciplined. Very good diet. Kept learning new things. Maybe that kept the dementia at bay for so long or maybe it just ensured that he lived long enough to have to endure his body falling apart from old age. It's just all so horrible. Mostly for my mum and my dad of course and I guess what scares me is knowing that it will still get worse but there isn't anything we can do.

My father died of multiple organ failure exacerbated by heart disease and end stage kidney failure. He was a doctor and said that when it comes to the point when he needs dialysis, he will refuse it and will choose to let it take its course. He said he will become progressively sleepier and it is not a bad way to go.

He passed away in his sleep. The day before, he was still walking, talking and even driving. He was not in pain, just very tired. He did not tell anyone he was close though he must have known at some level. He would have hated the fuss.

It is a good death on his terms. It gave my mother comfort to know.

My husband’s grandmother died in her sleep on the sofa at 90. She’d been feeling a bit under the weather the last few months but was still out and about. It turned out she had pneumonia which is what killed her. I couldn’t imagine anything much better than that.

I’ve lost four friends to bowel cancer in their late 40s. Two left young children, one left teenagers. Three left devastated widows / widower trying to parent their bereaved children alone. All left mothers whose lives are completely changed by grief.

It has completely changed my way of thinking - living to see your children to adulthood is a bonus, as a child having parents until you are in your 40s or 50s is a great privilege.

I don’t mind admitting that I envied my SiL, whose father died instantly of a heart attack while trying to open a garage door, and whose DM died instantly of a massive stroke while eating her breakfast.

My DF died after maybe 3 years bowel cancer, while my DM went on to 97 after around 15 years of dementia, and during the last 5 or 6 it was advanced - she was doubly incontinent, no longer recognised any of her family, could hold no conversation, had no clue about anything.