To think there is no good death?

[SurvivorInstinctIsJustInconvenient]

It's either preceded by a long and drawn out period of pain, suffering and loss of dignity or it's quick and painful. Well, I guess in both cases it's painful. It's always painful, isn't it? And shit. No matter how good your life has been the end is always crap. Not that all levels of suffering are the same but I'm just saying that there always is suffering. A lot of suffering. (And even if you satisfy the criteria for euthanasia you are already suffering immensely.) Maybe if you are religious there is some comfort you can take from your faith or maybe it makes it less terrible. I don't know. It's not something I have.

I'm just terrified for my parents. My dad is 90, has a neuro degenerative disorder and dementia. Lost most of his vision and hearing. Can't walk or do anything independently anymore. He is in constant pain. Has paranoid delusions. And he is aware enough to know how much he has lost and that there is little left for him. But he could go on for years like this. And he's always had quite strong faith but the dementia has taken that away as well. I think. And my mum is healthy but equally beholden to his dementia and 24h unreasonable demands. It's a shit life for her as well. I don't even know why I'm posting. Especially not in AIbu. I think it would be nice to hear stories of good deaths. If they exist.

My husband died very suddenly in our house. One minute he was alive, the next minute he was dead, well that's what the medic said. I take comfort from that and from him being in our home,which he loved. My deepest regret is that I wasn't there. I was at work.

Three of our parents died in quick succession. My mum was in hospice and her pain was under control and she was sedated and peaceful the last two days. That was the best experience we had. I've been with five people at the end of their life. Only one of them they struggled to get her pain under control.

I work in acute medicine and have seen a few truly awful deaths which I won't detail here. On the other hand, I've also seen a great many good deaths. Sudden illness in elderly but otherwise well people, very rapid decline and quickly recon by Dr's and family alike that it was the end. Pain managed effectively and passed peacefully surrounded by loved ones.

My grandad had a good death, was mobile and self caring. Took himself the half mile uphill to church every Sunday, would then go for a wee drop of the craithur after mass and be given a lift back by the priest who was his cousin. He just went to sleep one evening and never woke up.

My grandmothers didn't have good deaths. A friend of mine did but died far too young. Another had a horrible death that really haunts me.

So yanbu to be worried about yourself or loved ones dying comfortably, but it is possible and it does happen, surprising often. I try to take solace in that fact and just hope I get a good one when the time comes

I'm sorry. Wishing you all the best 🍀

A friend's dad was 85, had made himself and his wife a cup of tea, put it down on the side, sat down in his armchair and then died. Probably as good as it gets where death is concerned.

But you're right OP, most don't get those good deaths, sadly.

It was good for him, but not us... my DF dropped dead earlier this year. He was out on a walk and witnesses said he just hit the ground. They did CPR, as did paramedics but he was gone. Didn't even go to hospital... straight to the coroners.
We are just glad it happened somewhere we can avoid. If it had been at home, then I think DM would have been going through the stress of bereavement and having to move house at the same time.
Sudden deaths easy for the person, but not the loved ones left behind. So many "what ifs"... did we miss something? Was a little headache he had two days prior to do with it? etc etc.

I watched my grandad die a death that sounds like the one your dad is dying. I wouldn't want that for anyone.

One thing I would say, is that you/he can start making choices that may reduce the length of time he suffers for. My granny kept insisting he needed vaccinating, and that infections should be treated. This prolonged his life and I don't think it improved his life to live longer.

My other grandparents died better deaths.

I would really recommend Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. It was a book about dying well.

With the end in mind is a good book to read

For balance I honestly am not aware of anyone I know who had a 'good' death, I'm being honest. I don't know anyone who died in their sleep. I have seen relatives struggle before dying. It scares the hell out of me. Honest opinion.

Can't imagine anyone being a fan of dementia.

I'm sorry your dad is suffering so much, op, and your mum is too in looking after him - it's no wonder you feel like you do.

Well that’s just not true is it. Some people have a very quick and sudden death where they don’t even know what’s going on and others are able to use assisted dying facilities well before the real suffering begins.

I always wish you could just choose to go if terminally ill by GA, just get sent off to sleep as you do for an op then once you’re under deeply give you something else stronger to finish it.

Look up Kathryn Mannix's TED talk. She has a lot of knowledge to offer on the topic of a 'good death.' Some of what you've referred to in your post though is about ageing, rather than death and I have nothing reassuring to say about that. Unfortunately people are living longer, but unfortunately the years we have added to life expectancy with the development of medicine often seem to not be worth living for many.

Following

It's not always the case, but many people have hard things about their deaths.

But that's true about lives as well.

I think the important thing is to try and live meaningful King. Which is possible even with serious illness. But it does take a thought and work to figure out what that looks like. With three of you, I suspect it would involve finding it in being together and supporting each other. Maybe you can also find ways to support your dad's faith. Which we tend to think of as intellectual or emotional in many cases, but for people who are in pain or in cognitive decline is often more about the body. Familiar rituals, smells, prayers, music, art.

I don't think this is true. You can simply not be ready for death - particularly if you have no religious or spiritual beliefs and you are young. Or you can die a very painful death - being ready to die doesn't make that pain easier. I think death can be a short or long process and the long deaths are often more traumatic for everyone.

Sounds really tough. I think a good death is limited pain, being with loved ones after a well lived long-life, ideally at home or somewhere comfortable.

I have incurable yet supposedly treatable cancer ( x two types!) I hope to dear God, when the time comes, it's quick and painless because right now, it’s comparable to being sat on death row with pain! ☹️

I had a similar experience with my dad, 8 years ago (today, as it happens). Not cancer but the pain was horrific until he got suitable pain relief in the last 36 hours.

I’ll never forget it.

In contrast my Grandma died in her 100th year, of old age. Peacefully, at home, having seen everyone. On no medication. She died gradually over a few weeks. It was peaceful and without fear or pain (although she wasn’t thrilled about dying, in the initial period).

@SurvivorInstinctIsJustInconvenient I’m sorry for what you are dealing with; have you any support to help manage / plan ahead? 💐

My dads was awful long and drawn out after his stroke. Sad for him no life at all. My fil was quick issue with heart then sepsis. Both sad of course. Not nice all they suffered though at end

This 👆, omg this.
I always comment how much I love going under on general anesthetic threads, purely because theres a side of me that wishes I stay asleep I like the feeling of drifting off blissfully.

I'm sorry for the loved ones you have lost and for the ones you have had to see suffer. 🌺

My dad isn't dying. But he won't get better, he can only get worse, and maybe that's why it feels as if he's dying. He could go on for years. When death finally comes I hope it will be quick and less painful than this.

My great aunt died as well as anyone could hope, I think. Sitting on the sofa chatting with her daughter, then it was like someone flicked a switch. Off.

Not so great for the daughter, admittedly.

Personally, I would prefer to go on a cloud of opiates, when I am so tired that it’s like falling asleep. MIL was a nurse and she told me that was a thing. We made sure she and FIL were both very fully painkillered for their respective ends.