To think there is no good death?

[SurvivorInstinctIsJustInconvenient]

It's either preceded by a long and drawn out period of pain, suffering and loss of dignity or it's quick and painful. Well, I guess in both cases it's painful. It's always painful, isn't it? And shit. No matter how good your life has been the end is always crap. Not that all levels of suffering are the same but I'm just saying that there always is suffering. A lot of suffering. (And even if you satisfy the criteria for euthanasia you are already suffering immensely.) Maybe if you are religious there is some comfort you can take from your faith or maybe it makes it less terrible. I don't know. It's not something I have.

I'm just terrified for my parents. My dad is 90, has a neuro degenerative disorder and dementia. Lost most of his vision and hearing. Can't walk or do anything independently anymore. He is in constant pain. Has paranoid delusions. And he is aware enough to know how much he has lost and that there is little left for him. But he could go on for years like this. And he's always had quite strong faith but the dementia has taken that away as well. I think. And my mum is healthy but equally beholden to his dementia and 24h unreasonable demands. It's a shit life for her as well. I don't even know why I'm posting. Especially not in AIbu. I think it would be nice to hear stories of good deaths. If they exist.

Palliative care and the people who work in it are incredible ime and helped two of my loved ones a lot on their way out, I was really moved to see how well that end of things is done. Of course there are many less good deaths but it is possible to go out well with good pain management and the right people around you.

My mother had a good death. I was there as were all my siblings, my children and my nieces. She wasn't in pain. She just gradually slipped away. Of course at the time I was devastated looking back I am grateful that it was as it was.

I've seen good deaths.

A short terminal illness with no pain (not all cancers hurt), time enough to say their goodbyes, slipped away on morphine with loved ones at her side.

Lived 28 years longer than heart surgery anticipated. Shortness of breath and chest pain intermittently on final week. Aneurysm that caused pain for 40 minutes at best, and died with his sons at his side at nearly 90.

Pain management and a lack of fear are possible. Both of the above were busy living their lives until the very end.

"Busy living until the end" is the key. IMO.

Death isn’t always painful, at all. I’ve been with quite a lot of people at the end of their life and very very few have been in pain. There is an EOL medication package thst can be prescribed if dying at home , for managing secretions, pain relief, agitation, anxiety, etc, no need for most people to be in pain. I’ve seen many good deaths .

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I was almost going to delete my post because I thought it didn't make sense but now I'm glad I posted. It's good to know that death isn't always miserable and painful. I know that for my dad it's just going to get worse and worse but at least for my mum there is hope for a good death though hopefully not for many years. Many healthy years. And for the rest of us too though I wonder what the world will look like at that time and what the NHS if it still exists will be able to provide.

I guess my dad isn't exactly dying. He isn't getting end of life care. He isn't getting morphine and other painkillers are just not helping. There are non medication things he could do to make his life better but the dementia won't let him do that. I know it could be worse but it's still not good. Not even close to it.

Anyway thank you. 🍀

My mum died alone in a hospital bed at the start of Lockdown 1, my dad died 7 months later at home surrounded by his loved ones. I know who had the "better" death there.

My mother died recently. She had dementia heart failure and advanced cancer. Whilst she was in pain on some days by the end she was on a morphine syringe driver with sedation, she was sedated for 4 days and just slipped away, no pain just a gentle death

My Dad died of kidney failure, not a lot of pain, a bit of anxiety at the end but well controlled with drugs. He was fine til 3 weeks before he died and pretty good for the next two. I reckon at nearly 90 that's a pretty good death and he would have hated to be incapacitated mentally or physically for any period of time so good for him I reckon.

My grandmother fell asleep in her armchair while knitting and watching TV. She just didn’t wake and some young lads who used to pop in on her found her the next day.

So sorry for your troubles OP - it sounds really tough ❤️‍🩹
I work with the dying and their families a fair bit. This is one of the videos I often send to them. It describes the process of the body dying when someone is at end of life. The voice is Dr Kathryn Mannix. Wishing you all the best as you navigate these days.

My grandad died at home in his favourite armchair. He drank a beer, smoked a pipe, fell asleep in front of the tv and never woke up.

For his kids, it was very sad - he was only 52 and it was his son who found him. But for him…I’ve always thought going in your sleep is the best way.

Similarly, my grandma (not his wife; other side of the family) was pretty healthy and mentally very sharp well into her 90s. She had a series of small strokes just before her 95th birthday and was taken into hospital on Boxing Day. Her son visited every day, she knew where she was, and she was absolutely ready to go. She slipped away in her sleep 2 weeks after coming into hospital. We all got to tell her we loved her. I miss her, but it was not a bad death.

Many of us have no control over our death: I think all you can do is make sure you live the best life you can. Have no regrets. Tell the people you love that you love them.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time, OP.

Nonsense, my great gran was 86, sharp as a tack and up every morning at 4 am to “light the fire” (she’d been a maid back in the day). One day she said she felt tired around lunchtime so went for a nap and never woke up.

My uncle died similarly, in his sleep, 85 years old, no illnesses. His wife was lying right next to him and knew nothing about it until the next day.

My gran was sat in her chair watching telly with the whole family, when suddenly her head fell back, and she was dead. Never uttered a sound, 92 years old.

Even my grandad, who died of cancer aged 78 had his pain well managed and when the time came, he just slept more and more, until finally he never woke up.

Maybe my family are lucky, but I’d call all of those, good deaths.

Most people don't die in pain. Many just die in their sleep. I think there are so many situations where death has to be preferable to being forced to go on living, and death is absolutely nothing to be scared of, and not even the worst thing that can happen to a person.

What's wrong with dying alone? Many people choose it, or would want it.

No, it's not always painful. When my dad passed, we were sat at his bedside and it was peaceful, he just gradually stopped breathing. He wasn't in pain or agitated. When my grandad died, he went to bed and just passed in his sleep. Again peaceful and pain free.

As you are worried about a long and drawn out death for your dad, you and your mum can discuss what treatments you are happy for him to have/not have. Plan for his future health care, alzheimers have good info about this. Your mum may have an idea of what his wishes would be.

My remaining parent and I have spoken anout this recently, as he is 78. And he will be giving me power of attorney and looking at an advance directive for healthcare. He doesnt want to be kept going at all costs, if he has a dementia.

My Dad died of cancer 3 years ago, and it's an experience I never want to relive. His last week was appalling until he finally got put onto a syringe driver 3 days after it was ordered by his consultant. The nursing care was a shambles.

I think the worst thing must be watching loved ones suffer, whether they are dying or not, but especially to see them die in pain.

Legendary entertainer Josephine Baker.
She’d just finished a performance of her blockbuster career retrospective show in Paris, went to bed late with the early editions of the papers giving her rave reviews. Went to sleep and had a massive stroke. She never woke up and died two days later.
That’s a fabulous death.

My parents both had what I’d call really good deaths. Both in their 90s, my mum went to bed one night at home and died in her sleep. They’d been out for dinner in the evening before. Bit of a shock to my dad in bed with her, but who wouldn’t want to go that way?

My dad died 3 years later after an extremely short (one week) illness and again,
he slipped away in his sleep.

They were fit and healthy and independent until their very last. They didn’t have cancer, infirmity, mental decline - nothing.

My grandpa woke up with a slight headache, had breakfast, did his gardening then had a lie down in the afternoon as usual and then just didn’t wake up!

there Is a severe lack of syringe drivers in the nhs. It’s like the hunger games for staff trying to get/ locate/steal one . It can be ordered/ prescribed but the difficulty is in actually getting hands on one that isn’t being used.

The idea of death has been on my mind a lot lately. I've been battling a health condition for nearly seven years to stay alive. I've recently terminated all treatment by choice because of the toll it takes on me. There's a good chance I won't make it through the end of the year. For me, death will end the extensive battle. That will be good. I'm 44.

We're blessed to live in a time and place with access to palliative medicine that makes death as pleasant as it could possibly be, and those who live to old age and get to be around loved ones when they die are lucky.

It's always sad to see loved ones decline but all things considered it could be so much worse, young people dying of their cancer treatment rather than their illness for example.