AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the family mental load and childcare?

[Daydreamer94]

I am really just so annoyed with DH. I love him and he is a good person and the children adore him. We’ve been together for 10 years and had our ups and downs but he has helped me through some really tough times, I am always grateful for that. We also get on really well and generally have a happy life.

However a recurring argument we have is that I feel I have the majority of the mental load, for example with the children I do all their school club admin, I am always at the teacher parent meetings, I do the homework etc. I take care of all their doctors appointments/hospital visits. I sort out all their clothes and buy new ones. I do the food shop and plan all our meals and cook them. I do the laundry.

DH helps with paying 70% of the bills and cleaning, his argument is he has a very demanding job, not wfh and he pays for majority. He mostly pays for our days out but I do contribute. We both work fulltime but my job is more flexible.

I said I feel overwhelmed with it all holding a fulltime job and also all mentioned above. He said he can’t do anymore and it shouldn’t matter as someone will always do more than the other but thats family. I said but it feels like I am doing most.

He got angry and said I am accusing him of not doing anything, but the children never want for anything and he tries to do as much as he is able ( work permitting )

I just feel really depleted, am I being taken advantage of? Is this normal in other families, do women just do more?

I don’t think either of you should be framing your financial situation as “he pays X% of…”. IMO you shouldn’t even know how much you each contribute to the bills etc. in terms of a percentage. The point is you’re a family and a team, you’re both working hard for your family, you’re both working long hours in terms of the paid and unpaid work you both do. I prefer the set up of having a joint bank account where both partners salaries (and any other income) are paid into and then all family & household expenses come out of that account. Research shows that men’s income increases after they have children and women’s decreases, you’re not on a level playing field in terms of your earning potential so it’s unfair of him to hold that over you and it’s not a helpful way to frame the situation.

Then you need to deal with the unpaid labour. You both need to contribute to the unpaid labour that goes with running a household and raising children. If there is unpaid labour to be done outside of yours and your DH’s working hours then you need to divide that up between you. Play to your strengths. In our house I definitely do almost all the anticipating, planning, organising, research type tasks. It does seem to come more naturally to me. My DP is better at routine based tasks so he is in charge of bins, meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, car stuff, washing dishes, bathroom cleaning (plus ad hoc DIY & garden maintenance). I do laundry, other cleaning and everything else that goes into running a home and family life. Look into ‘Fair Play’ system by Eve Rodsky - there’s a book and a card activity, it really helped us make things fairer when we moved in together.

Do give him opportunities to learn how to do tasks that you might automatically do though e.g. packing the kids bag for a day out or planning their meals & snacks for the day. It’s easier to share the load when you’re both equally competent.

I work PT and look after our toddler on my NWDs and DP works FT. We take turns doing morning and bedtime routine with DS. We share childcare at weekends. It’s not always perfect, I can still feel the pressure of the mental load sometimes but we adjust our home/childcare responsibilities depending on what’s going on in each others lives (stress, illness) and just try to be understanding and fair to each other. It sounds like you’re both tired and overwhelmed, try not to make it a competition, you’ll find it easier to reach a solution if you’re both compassionate to each other and try to discuss things calmly.

It's normal in a lot of families, but it doesn't mean it's fair. You're both working full time but you're having to absorb more labour at home because he hasn't compromised his career by having to factor "childcare flexibility" into his list of options. It's a massive source of inequality & one of the reasons women with aspirations are refusing to have children. Why should we limit our options & do 20hours a week more labour? Far easier to throw an extra 20% £ in to the pot. If it wasn't for your extra labour he wouldn't have that 20% because he'd be in a job limited by "flexibility". So don't you dare feel "grateful" for that 70/30 split, he's getting an absolute bargain.

@DeathNote11
The op has said that her husband does the majority of the cleaning, all the household maintenance and the household admin. Does that make it seem likes he's getting such a great bargain?

I smell someone who has never gone it alone, or you'd know the vast difference in the mental load of the OPs description of their distribution of labour.

I’ve just seen the bit where you said you’re uncomfortable with joint finances due to your family history. Absolutely have your own personal bank accounts and finances, that’s vital for your financial security and general safety. However, what I was suggesting is that all the money goes in one pot to begin with, all the family/household expenses come out, and then you should have a standing order set up from the joint account where you both receive an EQUAL amount of personal money per month into your personal accounts. It should be enough for personal spending and for you both to have personal savings, investments, pension etc.

He also does all pick ups and then does bath and bed times when he’s home so it’s not like he expects OP to do all the childcare either. This is just 2 adults with busy lives and small kids both feeling stretched

I think unfortunately this is pretty normal in most households. But doesn't mean its ok. Women are now expected to work full time but still do everything at home and its just ridiculous.

Personally I think if he does bath and bedtime thats quite a decent chore that you cooking every evening looks fairly balanced. But I totally get how horrendous the school admin etc feels. I did every single drop off and pick up (bar one or 2) for the first 3 years my eldest two were at school. It made more sense as I worked part time and down the road from their school, but i made sure I put my DH as first point of contact. He does all school related admin...paying for trips..school meals etc and that made a big difference. When I started working more he has had to do more and now does around 40% of the pick ups.
I cook most evenings (he does 1, sometimes 2 a week) and I also food shop but we plan the meals together.

Snap! I do have children of my own too and tbf my DP does most stuff for his children (my step-children) and certainly does all the school stuff etc. he just asks me about it and it drives me insane that he doesn’t remember and now I have the extra mental load of remembering their school schedules and extra-curricular activities as well as my own kids one’s. He will organize things if pushed but mostly has a care-free attitude to life and does things on a whim (like saying let’s have a BBQ yesterday at 4pm with no idea if we even have the stuff in for one). For our holidays it’s always me planning it all as we simply wouldn’t have one if it was down to him.

OP, you say you have no free time but you both will have pockets of time. It's so important to work out what that time is being spent on. It's equality of time, not how much money you are bringing in.
So - does DH take a lunchbreak? What does he do during that time? What do you do during yours? What about his commuting time, if you WFH do you get any sort of opportunity to leave the house before or after your working day?

What is one of you doing while the other puts kids to bed?

What do you both do after the kids bedtime?

I wouldn't be surprised if your DH isn't one of those who says he doesn't take a lunch break or is still working after hours, but actually spends little pockets of time scrolling on his phone or taking a leisurely shower/toilet time etc. It sounds petty but, as a mum, when every minute seems to matter it is so hard to accept that your other half gets mental peace and can call his time his own outside of the working day!

I felt very similar to you (albeit no income disparity and no counter-argument from my husband re his longer work hours). We now alternate who does bedtime and who cooks, and each night my husband is responsible for sorting dishwasher/cleaning up kitchen surfaces. While he does that, I do all the packing of bags and prepping lunches/other bits of admin. We've still not got the balance right, but it brought me down from boiling point and I feel the penny is slowly dropping in regards to the imbalance as I am occasionally allowing stuff to "fall apart" to show him just how much I am juggling, which has led to some good conversations.