AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the family mental load and childcare?

[Daydreamer94]

I am really just so annoyed with DH. I love him and he is a good person and the children adore him. We’ve been together for 10 years and had our ups and downs but he has helped me through some really tough times, I am always grateful for that. We also get on really well and generally have a happy life.

However a recurring argument we have is that I feel I have the majority of the mental load, for example with the children I do all their school club admin, I am always at the teacher parent meetings, I do the homework etc. I take care of all their doctors appointments/hospital visits. I sort out all their clothes and buy new ones. I do the food shop and plan all our meals and cook them. I do the laundry.

DH helps with paying 70% of the bills and cleaning, his argument is he has a very demanding job, not wfh and he pays for majority. He mostly pays for our days out but I do contribute. We both work fulltime but my job is more flexible.

I said I feel overwhelmed with it all holding a fulltime job and also all mentioned above. He said he can’t do anymore and it shouldn’t matter as someone will always do more than the other but thats family. I said but it feels like I am doing most.

He got angry and said I am accusing him of not doing anything, but the children never want for anything and he tries to do as much as he is able ( work permitting )

I just feel really depleted, am I being taken advantage of? Is this normal in other families, do women just do more?

Im afraid that what you are describing is quite normal. He sounds like he is doing quite a lot and generally a man wont have that kind of initiativeabout an after school club. Stop dwelling on this idea of its not fair, I do more than him because etc...it will fester and make you even more miserable. Focus on finding some practical ways to deal with these "normal" facts of family life.

So he pays 70% of your household expenditure, all the house maintenance and admin and a lot of the cleaning and bath and bedtime when he is home?
That seems very reasonable and hands on to me.

To be honest it sounds like he’s trying and doing a fair bit too. After school clubs don’t require both of you thinking about it, it’s not that taxing. Have you got a cleaner?

I think 2 parents working full time and 2 young children is just super super hard work. Both parents need to do so much.

I only knew 3 families who did this (others had one parent either part time or sahp) and they outsourced so much. Cleaners, Nannie’s, gardeners etc

it does sound like he does pull his weight already, but it’s understandable you’re knackered, so I think the idea to sit down together and make a list, with hours needed, and divide it up is a good one.

every family has a different ‘mental load with kids’ time required, so ignore the posters above who don’t possess the imagination to work that out, my personal situation was that I worked mine out to be an hour a day sorting just kids stuff out. So include whatever yours is in your list.

yes it does tend to be one person and yes that tends to be the one with the lowest hours or more flexibility

and I think for a lot of things - having one person is simpler - one person doing doctors and another doing school will get messy. You will inevitably book the appointment at the same time as the special assembly. Even meal planning cooking and shopping - the person who knows that DD doesn’t have gym this week but does have a party on the Friday night and needs an early tea on Monday will manage better than the person who isn’t responsible for all the household management

at the end of the day you both need to have the same amount of proper free time though maybes focus on that long term - make sure you both get a break and do something for yourselves. We each would have an hour and a half to go to the gym a few times a week. Space to breath

short term - perhaps trying to have a weekend where each of you gets a full day off to recharge because it IS exhausting. if there is money it’s easier - because the one left with the kids can pay to go somewhere and even buy lunch out to make it easier for them to manage

if you could afford to go down to 4 days that would make it so much easier. A cleaner would cost less but might help. Online shopping might help - once a month for bulk items, tins and frozen , so that you can just pick up the fruit and vegetables and meat

and cut back whatever you can - good enough not insta ready

You need to start letting balks drop. And allowing your kids to be disappointed in the for father when the ball drop.

you both work full time - you shouldn’t be doing the majority of the unpaid shot work all if the time.

divvy up the jobs, give him the list (and when he gets angry calmly explain you tried to talk with him but he angrily dismissed you and played the big ‘I pay more and I gave v important job’ card so now you’ve spilt up the jobs and those jobs are now his responsibility. And then let the resulting shit show happen and make it abundantly clear to those who end up let down that these were his responsibility

and then walk off and enjoy your free time

It is difficult, because when it’s things that would directly affect the children, it matters more than something like forgetting to send Aunty Doris a birthday card. People often say ‘oh just lower your standards’ but it’s hard to do that when it means your children miss out, and there’s only so much of your standards that can be lowered, really.

My DH is good at splitting the day to day care with DD - drop offs and pick ups, bedtimes, plus stuff like cooking, washing up, grocery shopping. We both had fairly flexible jobs which helped (mine more than his) and I worked four days a week, not full time. I usually deal with child related admin because I knew that DH is very much a ‘leave it to the last minute’ person, and I didn’t want to risk DD missing out on something she enjoyed such as dance class because DH hadn’t signed her up for the next term by the deadline, for example. I am the opposite of DH and honestly a bit of a control freak (we balance each other out), and it’s easier for me to remember and do it myself than constantly remind him and stress about it. He was like this when I met him, so I knew what I was getting into!

I booked afterschool club and holiday club because I knew that places were booked quickly, and as I had the more ‘flexible’ job, it would be me who’d have to deal with the repercussions of no after school care or holiday club. Likewise I did DD’s school applications because I didn’t want to miss the deadline. There was a thread on here a few years ago where the OP’s husband was responsible for their secondary school application, and forgot about it - I think she didn’t find out until the offer day 😮

It’s a common problem, as you can see!

Agreed. Two adults involved in organising after school club is a recipe for a situation of double bookings, missed pick ups and miscommunication. I think jobs need to be clear and not having you both doing it at the same time. For example I manage after school clubs and activities, but DH is responsible for the school lunch bookings, I get DD ready in the morning, DH takes her to school, etc etc.

@Fiftyandme
He does the majority of the cleaning, all of the house maintenance and the household admin. As well as paying 70% of the family costs.

He already does quite a lot!

Not really fair though is it? I wouldn't expect so little in a relationship. My partner works full time and I am part time. I do carry more mental load but house work is equal. I went part time to spend time with the kids. Not be someone's skivvy 😄

He already does 70% of bills and cleaning, all house maintenance, bath and bed times when he’s home, and all pick ups. How is that ‘so little’?

Children are allowed to want to play sports, it’s really healthy and good development, and if they want to play competitively they have to play a lot, and if they want to play in a team parent volunteering is a condition of entry. Also our nursery is run by a committee of parents, a common management structure here. So if you’re not willing to volunteer you’re just a freeloader off other people’s efforts. Ditto school events- the excursions the kids love, reading support, school events, parent events. By all means mock or judge but the world outside your day job is run on volunteers and we all know who the parents who can’t be arsed doing that for their kids are. It’s never the busiest parents with the biggest jobs or least children, they are the ones with sleeves rolled up pitching in.

This is so spot on. I think a couple of people on this thread have almost sneered that the mental load for kids is ‘not that hard.’ Sure - if your kids don’t do the whole pile of possible stuff which makes their life richer.

accept that sorting it a chore like any other, and allocate an appropriate amount of time when divvying up the tasks.

He seems to be conflating income with organising the home and the children. You both work full time so his income isn't relevant. The effort of doing everything should be shared particularly when youve pointed out you need more input. Raising a family isn't an optional extra tell him.

The problem is that he says he can’t do anymore, and doesn’t do anymore. You say you can’t do anymore but then pick up everything he doesn’t do.
I think you need to say that you can’t do any more either and that therefore you’ll get a cleaner/send out laundry etc so that the extra that you pick up is the organisational stuff.

He does pull his weight with household chores but still majority falls on me. And I am starting to resent him for it. His argument is that if he is paying for all the food ( which he does ) then it seems fair that I plan and cook. I have sent him to do the food shop before but he comes back with the wrong things - which is annoying because he sees what we buy - his attention to detail isn’t great!

I like working and like my job and in terms of free time we both have no free time tbh. Weekends we spend together as a family and I tend to go out more with friends as DH has moved to UK from abroad so doesn't have many friends - I have encouraged him to make some but he says the time he has he would rather spend with us.

I will suggest making a list but he hates that sort of thing and finds it trivial. He is happy with how things are, happy to pay more as he isn’t good at planning or being organised - his words. But he just doesn’t get how mentally taxing this all is.

It seems to me he's doing quite a lot. I did all of that but rationalised it by the fact that even when I went back to work, on a nano percentage of his income by then, he left the house at about 6.45 and got home at about 9/9.30. I worked locally, took the DC to school, was at my desk at 9.15 and home by 5.45. I fulfilled everything by about 7.30/8pm and therefore had more downtime than him and it was fair.

We rendered equal time, him a bit more actually. Very early on we agreed the way fkrward because his career prospects were significantly greater than mine. If they hadn't come to fruition, we'd have had a rethink. And no he wasn't spending three hours a day napping on a train or reading at leisure. 40 minutes in the car.

But it being mentally taxing isn’t all his fault, it IS exhausting both working full time with 2 kids. That doesn’t make it his fault. That’s just the life you’ve both chosen and the stage you are at in it. And he is doing quite a lot too. If he quit his job and got a less stressful lower paying one could you afford everything you do now?

I was going to ask this exact thing. Peoples lives seem so busy but then they plan them like that, here there and everywhere. Whats the need?

Get a cleaner
Get a food order on repeat and rotation from the supermarket
Cook the same meals largely so you;re not really putting any thought into it
Dont wash things so often

Approaching from a different angle, are you getting enough time to be just you, not mum?

I find everything harder when I don't get regular small pockets of me time. An uninterrupted bath with fancy candle and good book. Weekly yoga/gym class. An hour with a good coffee in the park. A walk with a friend.

Why are you paying 70/30 ? Isn’t it family money?

But do you ever do the finances/bills? Would it make sense if you both did something you currently do or would that be pointless? Do you want him to take on something so you no longer do it? I resent picking up after my Dh-classic yesterday, he put the inner part of the bin on top of the bin lid, he puts the dishes on top of dishwasher, but he does all research for buying anything, did a 6 hour round trip for something recently, all the finances, mortgages, savings, insurance claims for the dogs, tax returns, takes my car for the service etc.

I think writing down everything is helpful and handing over a task or 5 might be useful.

There is a flexibility that WFH affords people that those working out of the home just don’t have. When DS was younger, I was 100% office based and also traveled to EU for work. DH earned 20% more than me, worked the same, on average 50 hour week but because he was predominantly home based he did more than I did. He could pop a wash load on whilst boiling the kettle, or put away the shopping once it was delivered. I would do most of the admin because I could fit that around my working day. We have always played to our strengths, worked as a team and checked in with each other to ensure no one was overwhelmed. However, I am a naturally organised person and a planner. DH is better at doing the tasks that need doing in the here and now.

It sounds as if you have fallen into defined roles and neither appreciates what the other is doing. When DS was younger, DH and I used to sit down every Sunday evening with diaries and cover off who was doing what. Would that work for you?

How many hours do you work (paid) vs him? If he ends up working double your hours then I'd expect you to do the majority of the mental load. But if its more equal then I wouldn't. Also, I think it's a bit cheeky for him to say 'well I pay more so I'm absolved of responsibility' without your agreement. Unless you contribute nothing. What would he do if you said 'well I'm not putting anything in the joint account this month, or ever again actually, because I do the majority of the mental load.' That would be mental. What happens if you come into money one day (lottery, inheritance, big promotion) and end up contributing more than him to the household finances, would he be fine with you just stopping all organising?