AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the family mental load and childcare?

[Daydreamer94]

I am really just so annoyed with DH. I love him and he is a good person and the children adore him. We’ve been together for 10 years and had our ups and downs but he has helped me through some really tough times, I am always grateful for that. We also get on really well and generally have a happy life.

However a recurring argument we have is that I feel I have the majority of the mental load, for example with the children I do all their school club admin, I am always at the teacher parent meetings, I do the homework etc. I take care of all their doctors appointments/hospital visits. I sort out all their clothes and buy new ones. I do the food shop and plan all our meals and cook them. I do the laundry.

DH helps with paying 70% of the bills and cleaning, his argument is he has a very demanding job, not wfh and he pays for majority. He mostly pays for our days out but I do contribute. We both work fulltime but my job is more flexible.

I said I feel overwhelmed with it all holding a fulltime job and also all mentioned above. He said he can’t do anymore and it shouldn’t matter as someone will always do more than the other but thats family. I said but it feels like I am doing most.

He got angry and said I am accusing him of not doing anything, but the children never want for anything and he tries to do as much as he is able ( work permitting )

I just feel really depleted, am I being taken advantage of? Is this normal in other families, do women just do more?

This is why I work a 4 day week. Not ideal for my pension etc but gives me time for the life admin/mental load stuff and I can usually fit in some time for me. We pool money because there is a huge disparity.

I think if he isn't WFH and your job is more flexible then it seems logical that you pick a lot of this up. To split it between 2 people still requires someone to organise and delegate, unless this is someone physically going somewhere then it's often easier to just do it. Personally, I know I'd get it irritated if stuff wasn't the way I would do it, and my DH is competent at many things and wouldn't do it on purpose.

It's annoying if he doesn't understand what energy it all takes. If there is any cooking or laundry he could pick up when he's home then maybe that would be a routine option for him to take on a little more.

I could have written the same post myself, except we both financially contribute equally from our jobs and I have chronic health issues now. I also do all finances and everything to do with the car and house maintenance too. I understand my husband has a physical job but boy am I over everything falling to me

Ok, I do all of what you mentioned with one exception - my DH does all the food shopping and most of the cooking which is a huge contribution.

You haven’t mentioned any of the household stuff apart from laundry. Who cleans, does the garden and DIY, household bills and admin? We have a cleaner but DH does the vast majority of household stuff.

We both work FT in demanding jobs and both high earners. I work longer hours but DH manages our personal finances and investments.

She said he does most of the bills, cleaning and house maintenance

@utahsainthood
She did - she says her dh does the bulk of the cleaning and he does the house maintenance and the household admin.

DH says he can't do more.
You are feeling like you do too much.
How about you drop your standards a little.

Teach the children to do more for themselves and be happy with the result.
Book fewer holidays.
Enrol in fewer clubs.

Your life seems pretty fair and fine.
I hope your child recovers quickly.
The stress of a sick child is hard for the two of you.

Is he actually around long enough/has the time to do things and just doesn’t (think or want to do it)?

I always did more than DH, but that’s because I was actually around to do it. Plus I got into a routine/had a system and changing that would stress me out.

So sorry I missed that!

In that case OP - apart from the cooking, which perhaps you could share more, it seems fairly even to me.

. Maybe get some help with cleaning or think about before/after school clubs some of the time rather than arguments about who is not pulling their weight or how much they contribute. Sounds to me you both do a lot.

https://amzn.eu/d/02Jqa08w

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

This is basically me. CONTROL FREAK😂 DH does do a lot with them all but I admit that I like doing things my way especially with cooking and the laundry.

So if he pays for the food and thinks you should do the rest (plan, shop, cook etc), who pays for the nursery/childcare bills and the children's clothes etc? Does the same apply here? You could always suggest to swap who pays for what if that helps organise his thoughts a little more?

He sounds awful, sorry. My DH isn't perfect but I wouldn't be able to live with what you describe here.

You have said he does the bulk of the cleaning, the household maintenance and the household admin as well as paying for 70% of everything.
Is it just the food shop and cooking that is a bone of contention? Why not do an online shop and have it delivered?

And why not have a joint account, all money goes in, all spends come out and that way there is no point scoring over who pays more for what.

I sort of see it from both sides. In my marriage I am definitely carrying the mental load for the family and I try to offload to my husband a lot but even I struggle with the whole 'it's easier just to do it myself'. But my husband does probably most of the cooking and all of the washing up / clothes washing / putting away etc. The reason I struggle is because my job IS more demanding and I travel for work sometimes. My husband WFH all of the time and has a very flexible schedule. And that's not always reflected and I wish he respected that more. So I do think that needs to come into play too.

Personally I would look at your chunks of time per day for each of you doing things and assess how much 'free decompression time' you both get and that's what you need to try and balance so you both get equal. Working long / stressful hours doesn't mean he can't do anything...but it might mean he can't realistically take on 50% of the household tasks and mental load. We have hello fresh type bags for our meals each day which is the only way I share some of that mental load of what to cook and don't have to make sure he's doing the right thing! Meal planning would work the same so you could delegate without needing the do the mental load of guiding him... I know it's so hard to delegate and not keep the mental load portion.

Have you considered a weekly ‘planning meeting’. When my kids were smaller and needed more organising we used to do this. Once a week or so, usually at the weekend (I work shifts so it was flexible) I would get dh to sit down with me and a cup of tea/ glass of wine, with a planner page and we’d go through what was going on for the week, including joint meal planning, and then agree who was doing what.

It helped me a) feel like there was more of an understanding of the smaller tasks that actually made up the week b) the load became more shared and c) gradually he took more responsibility for various jobs because they were planned to him each week. It may or may not work for you, but might be worth a try.

Thank you for showing me that it’s not just me! I am so particular about everything, always have been, I’ve always liked things being a specific way and I like my systems because they’re great 😂

momwell.com/invisible-load-inventory

This was quite helpful for my husband to see all the invisible stuff I was doing.

Scale back. Pick easy meals to cook and clean up after (one pot, tray bake etc). Make the same things on rotation so you don't need to think about it. Tell him to do his own laundry. If the kids are on packed lunch put them on school meals if you can. After school clubs only when it's childcare related. Can you afford a cleaner? If he has a problem with eating the same things all the time or washing his own pants tell him you're making things easier for you and he'll need to step up.

we are in a similar situation work wise. But at home we share the load in a way that works for both of us. I do most of the kid admin and childcare/bedtime/ baths/taking to clubs. He does the shopping, cooking and cleaning.

You can’t expect him to suddenly be good at it if you’ve taken on everything up til now though. So start with asking him jobs that are immediately essential (e.g feeding hungry kids who will pester him themselves if he doesn’t do it vs cleaning). Send him on a food shop so he knows the type of thing you buy before he graduates to writing the list and doing the shopping weekly.

What he contributes financially has nothing to do with the mental load split in the household and isn't really a valid argument from him. Is there a way to take the finances out of this conversation - for example all earnings go into one account, bills come out of this, as well as personal spending / savings etc. I think separate finances can serve a purpose but can also create a strange power dynamic whereby one inevitably feels they 'contribute more', confusing other conversations about family life. Do you feel able to list every single job that needs doing and sit down with him to go through it - taking into account both working patterns and what feels feasible. If this isn't a conversation he is open to, maybe some kind of mediation or marriage counselling would be helpful if this is something you benefit from?

To me the issue isn't so much about whether it's evenly split, or if one person is doing more, but the fact you told your partner that you're struggling to cope and that was met with defensiveness and hostility.

Not the same situation at all.
You are with a complete loser.
These are not your children and you are being used.
It's really sad to read posts like yours where nice women clearly lack any self esteem.
You are his skivvy aupair AND you are pay for it too.
Unbelievable that this is all you think you deserve.