AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the family mental load and childcare?

[Daydreamer94]

I am really just so annoyed with DH. I love him and he is a good person and the children adore him. We’ve been together for 10 years and had our ups and downs but he has helped me through some really tough times, I am always grateful for that. We also get on really well and generally have a happy life.

However a recurring argument we have is that I feel I have the majority of the mental load, for example with the children I do all their school club admin, I am always at the teacher parent meetings, I do the homework etc. I take care of all their doctors appointments/hospital visits. I sort out all their clothes and buy new ones. I do the food shop and plan all our meals and cook them. I do the laundry.

DH helps with paying 70% of the bills and cleaning, his argument is he has a very demanding job, not wfh and he pays for majority. He mostly pays for our days out but I do contribute. We both work fulltime but my job is more flexible.

I said I feel overwhelmed with it all holding a fulltime job and also all mentioned above. He said he can’t do anymore and it shouldn’t matter as someone will always do more than the other but thats family. I said but it feels like I am doing most.

He got angry and said I am accusing him of not doing anything, but the children never want for anything and he tries to do as much as he is able ( work permitting )

I just feel really depleted, am I being taken advantage of? Is this normal in other families, do women just do more?

I earn 70% of the household income and do all the family organising 😅. Honestly it’s just what works for you. That works for us. I personally mind if we split the stuff around organising the kids neither of us would know what was going on. I deal with it all and delegate out what needs done.
Can you afford to chuck some money at the situation? Get a cleaner? Or even something like a skylight calendar to keep everything organised better?

Join this group, it's great: https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879

Join this group, it's great for understanding the gaps between partners and how to discuss and redistribute them: https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879
A lot of people don't understand how much the mental load weighs - and most of it is usually done by the mums. There are lots of "influencer" type people on Facebook (mainly on Reels) who talk about it though, and this "cartoon" explains it really well: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
RE: finances, it shouldn't matter what he "pays for" and what you "pay for" - all money belongs to the family! It shouldn't matter if he earns more than you - if you both work full time then you should share childcare, cooking etc equally. You need to sit down and have a discussion and draw up lists.

Sorry no words of advice here but just to say I completely feel and get this.

Yet in our household I contribute to 50% of the bills, do 9/10 school drop offs / picks ups, all the school admin etc.. he doesn’t see it or get it. Then he’s almost bullying me to go back to work on a Friday when second & last DC starts school in Sept. Even though I do 4 long days. I’ve had enough to be fair!! (Sorry needed that rant).

You are not being unreasonable! In our house I am the larger earner, similar split with you and your husband but I know that just because I earn more doesn't mean my effort and time isnt more valuable than my partner. Okay we're able to put different mometary amounts into the pot but our effort in contributing to the house and kids is 50:50, and if either of us is overwhelmed the other tries to step up for a bit to give the other some breathing room. Tell your husband the Internet thinks he needs to get with the times!

It’s just so common for men to faff around at work to be ‘sooo busy’ and get home late, unfortunately missing bedtime, when women don’t have that luxury.

My husband and I have realised we used to faff around pre kids … we often finished at 6/630, these days I leave at 4 and he finishes at 4.50 and works efficiently (funnily enough he has a ‘big job’ and takes home at least 4 times more than me) he’s able to do bedtime 9/10 days.

OP does he do all the cleaning? You’ve broken down the jobs you do lumped all the cleaning into 1 job?

In our house I do a lot of the house and kid
mental load, but he does other stuff like bills mental load and car/home maintenance mental load.

it doesn’t matter who is paid what….its about how much you do.
You need to speak to him about what you both do - make a list and try to discuss if it’s fair. Look at ways to streamline (hint - getting one person to meal plan and another to shop is not sensible!)

It’s the age old story unfortunately. 🙄

This is an ongoing point of reflection for me as I do all the same things with my two children, I sometimes find myself annoyed with my partner not doing some of these things but then when I play the scenarios out in my head I can totally see what would end up happening if he took over more of the responsibility:

Haircuts - they’ve taken too much off
Parents evenings - “WHAT, you didn’t ask x, y, z?!”
Clothes - I don’t like these outfits, nothing matches 😅
Food shops - I’m not a fan of this meal
Laundry - I like things folded in this way and in these particular drawers

Honestly for me I get why my partner leaves me to it and reluctantly I have to admit to myself that I like to do things the right way my way. His way isn’t wrong and our children would function perfectly well if he took over but I wouldn’t like not having my system in place. I’m not suggesting that this is the case for you but I wonder if other women are like that too and that’s why the load seems unfairly split sometimes

Look up the concept of the triple shift. Unfortunately it’s nothing new and there are many women who have been experiencing the same thing for decades.
I know this doesn’t help you, but you are not alone.
My husband doesn’t even have the excuse of being the higher earner or having the most stressful job (I claim both of those titles) but I still end up doing all of the life admin as well 😟