AIBU to up my hours despite DH objecting?

[WhiskAverse]

Hi all, I have been working 2 days per week since having DCs. I discussed increasing hours to 2.5 days per week with my boss last year and discussed with my DH at the time about how to approach it with boss etc how the week would split etc.

I raised the issue with DH earlier as new hours are going to kick in in a couple of months and he was really frustrated and unhappy and claimed I hadn’t told him and that this is going to massively impact our family in a negative way, as the week will be too “broken up.”

He said “Right, well if you want to work another half day I’ll pay for the extra half day at nursery but then you can’t ever complain about being stressed or looking after DC4 and DC2 ever again.” Then said if I “want to work so much”, I should work full time and he will stop working and raise DCs and I can “find the money to pay for everything.”

Him forgetting the conversation around upping my hours aside, does the phrasing “I will pay for the nursery fees then” sound odd? Isn’t it all family money? Makes me feel like he’s doing me a favour so I can go to work? Eldest DC starts school in September and both DC have been going to nursery 2 days per week since 14 months. It’ll only be 1 extra half a day per week for DC2. Eventually they’ll both be at school so I think it’s a good idea to keep a foot in the door at work etc. If I worked full time, my salary would be a quarter of DH’s.

AIBU or does DH have a point and I should leave my hours as is?

And the thing is that some people are so sure they want to be at home with the kids that they find someone who also wants their partner home with the kids. Then they have kids and they don't want to be that parent any more.

I called him out on finance stuff a few times. He said ‘I feel like you just want access to all the finances, you’re bad with money, I should have control of our budget, I’m the head of the family, I’m in charge of our spending.’ Etc.

He also once said ‘Women spend too much money when the man earns more, I’ve seen it way too many times.’…. Called him out at the time but he just brushed it off.

I’m not driven by money, spend carefully (have been through many periods of having v little money). I think he puts money on a pedestal.

When I suggested a joint account we sat down and listed out all expenses/ outgoings etc and it was done in a “Ok, FINE, if this is what you want to do” kind of way - then he made me delete the spreadsheet we’d just made as he didn’t want me to “sit and stew over the numbers”.

Do you like him?

He doesn't sound very nice.

Enough to marry him and have children. He obviously has fantastic qualities as well and these are the worst aspects of his nature. I want to salvage it

When I suggested a joint account we sat down and listed out all expenses/ outgoings etc and it was done in a “Ok, FINE, if this is what you want to do” kind of way - then he made me delete the spreadsheet we’d just made as he didn’t want me to “sit and stew over the numbers”.

Oh OP, he really is VERY controlling indeed. Why are you putting up with this?

To be honest, would they not just go to nursery FT if you weren't there?

They’d have to, yes

Which would cost a lot more money

@WhiskAverse

I’ll be honest, the more you’ve posted, the more concerning it sounds.

Made you delete the spreadsheet?! WTAF?!

He’s financially controlling you. He doesn’t respect your career, your independence, or even you by the sounds of it.

What ‘facts’ is his view of you being bad with money actually based on? I imagine there aren’t any really, he’s over generalising.

He sounds like he needs therapy. It sounds like his role modelled parental roles are playing out and repeating here with you and your family.

Maybe you should attend therapy together. But he needs to change his attitude before he looses his marriage.

Call his bluff on things if you can, at least to give him the reality check maybe.

Maybe get some advice from SA support, that may help you see what’s going on more clearly, what’s ok and what’s abuse.

called him out on finance stuff a few times. He said ‘I feel like you just want access to all the finances, you’re bad with money, I should have control of our budget, I’m the head of the family, I’m in charge of our spending.’ Etc.

He also once said ‘Women spend too much money when the man earns more, I’ve seen it way too many times.’…. Called him out at the time but he just brushed it off

Yikes. Yikes. YIKES.

This is horrible. His behaviour is vile, you are under reacting, he is a misogynist who looks down on you.

This.

The current set up is not fair in the slightest!

And those bills include the cost of having children!!

He sounds vile. Does he not now give you ick? Head of the family is the wildest thing I’ve heard in a while.

This must feel difficult and confusing for you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, to want to work and raise children. It sounds as if you and your partner have a few issues to work through. Some thoughts on your post: 1. Why are you responsible for the bulk of childcare and parenting? 2. If he believes that you (alone) are raising the children incorrectly why is he only bringing this up now? 3. What does compromise mean/ look like for both of you? It shouldn’t mean you back down to keep the peace. Why is he against you having the same chance he has to grow and progress in a job and be a parent?

He believes that children should be with their mum. I agree to an extent for the early years (but that's just a personal belief, no judgement whatsover on different set ups and also fully realise not everyone has the option), which is why I wanted to retuen to work part time.

Thank you - I've been on hold to a chat agent at Refuge for the past 3 hours, waiting to speak to someone about financial abuse.

Well done!

Goodness! That’s a challenging time to wait, how nerve racking!

(Most vulnerable people too, that’s such a shame. Limited opportunity, phone credit etc..)

I hope you get through soon and that it’s helpful, one way or another. Knowledge is power and all that.

Good luck.

I've got through to someone. She is saying that the controlling behaviour, intimidation and financial situation are characteristic of DA. Feeling a bit sick,

Jeez. You poor love. I am feeling sick on your behalf.

Well, it's good that you've recognised it for what it is, OP. That's a first step, and sometimes a difficult one.

Can you get counselling for yourself to help you figure out what you want to do next?

So are you saying that only mums can properly parent..Really. There are plenty of dads who stay at home and do an amazing job.

You've taken a huge step by doing that OP, I applaud your courage in doing that. If you don't get through today please do try again.
I think that you also need to remember that your pension will be affected by part time work too. If you're in your twenties or thirties that will seem a long way off but once you hit mid fifties it is much more important.

She's saying what posters on here have written but I guess it feels worse hearing it in real life. Did she say that you could call again if you needed to. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

Doesn't matter since he bunkers all the joint money and doesn't give you access. Honey, with this type of man you can't afford not to go to work.